we bought work

The mix of clover, grasses.. misplaced plants otherwise know as weeds underneath my rubber soles glisten with a crisp cool dew.  Not the dew of summer that seems to mist the plant but the rounded full reflective cold droplets of fall .. water that is transitioning waiting.. to be called frost.  

I step forward.. leash on the pup that has entered our lives... walking her.. allowing her to finish her business I make steps toward starting the task of the morning chores.  Chickens out.. ducks.. Hay to horses.. Head count on the cats.. Jay.. Feline...Mac...Kittty KItty .. ahh there is my yellow tiger looking as the indignant ruler of the farm.  

The fields are flat.. It seems as if they were harvested way to early but truthfully it was right on time.   Oh how time flies.. there as wisps of stalks left from the soybeans that surrounded us.. Next year most likely corn.. 

I sweep a gaze .. Remind myself to take a trip down to the pond tonight after work..Something was there about 3:30 making noise and I would like to spy the tracks if any are left in the bank.. This will tell me if a trap is needed.  

The guineas are screeching.. its a very abrupt wake up alarm and I wish to get away from it this morn.. but they follow me to file their notice of alarm.  They are the neighbor hood watch or a group of Gladys Kravitz. yelling about every little thing..I imagine its something like this:  Hey the cat is over there.. do you know what he said to us, the horses nosed Julie over here..  What is that dog doing .. another dog.. the little dogs aren't enough.  The Turkeys are hogging all the food.. you aren't going to get a hog are you.... and so on..   I hasten my pace.. 

The barn is a true red against the golds, greens and browns that are evolving.  apples fall to the ground in the orchard.. The pond reflects a blue of the Fall sky and is highlighted as the cat tails stalks have been spun to gold.  

Bo neighs his impatience with my ponder and wishes me to return to the task.. which includes throwing the hay that now lays at my feet into the Paddock.  All 6 equine noses and ears are turned my way.. Each looking at me as if to say .. Hello umm yes its nice you are appreciating the world around you.. but about that delicious breakfast at your feet.. umm could you throw that over and then continue with your wonder.  

I throw the blades to the horses.. Doling them out in three piles The snorting and neighs stop replaced by a munching sound.. The pup is as far away from the fence as possible.  she doesn't really know what to think of the horses at this time other then fear.  Will have to work on that.. add that to the task list.. Fencing, insulating.. patching.. dog horse normalization... sand in barn , drainage.. fall mulching.. composting, worming.. I whisper one thing at a time as I picture the hand written piece of paper with the list appear.. 

Look around.. Look to the watch.. the read out lets me know i need to get a move on.. I walk back .. up the rickety stairs.. the one hand rail has come loose.. noted ..and its mental hand written form takes another line on the to dos.. 

My grandmother stated that we bought work when we bought the farm and she was right.. but at the end of the night and the list that grows and the animals that relay their needs and wants.. We also bought peace, ponder, a place to grow, learn.. love.. a bit of heaven for us.. 


 

End days..

I stare at her lying in the bed .  Oxygen hooked up and cannula placed in her nose.  Cath bag hanging from the side of the bed.  Her grey white hair straighter then I have ever noticed it.  The strands are thin but its depth is thick .. much like mine.. She smiles.. 

Ittie approaches the bed.. "Careful of those tubes Ittie.. don't step on them OK" .. escapes my throat in the most controlled voice I can muster..  I am looking at my hero.. and now I must be brave.. I know what my role is .."Why mama?" Ittie states with the innocent pondering look.  "Because if you step on them you could hurt Grandma.. they are attached to her" .. "Oh" is my answer and Ittie proceeds with caution but love.  

"OH it IS Avery.".. my grandma exclaims.. Ittie's head is over the side rail as she says hi and reaches out.  "You yelled at me the last two times I appeared with out her, think I was going to do that again. I do listen you know.." leaves my mouth with a hint of playfulness and a smirk across my lips.  For a moment its just us.. as it has always been a playful exchange.  

Ittie curiously looks around.. answers the questions about school, shows Grandma the new puppy,.. and then as normal for a girl her age squirms and starts looking uncomfortable...She journey's to the other room.  Hell I am uncomfortable.  Its hard to see Mary Myers frail.. vulnerable... bed ridden.. She is an icon of my life.. I remind my self of the normalcy of this .. a life long lived.  My duty to my grandmother.. and then the tears come.. She looks me in the eye and pats my hand...  I fight to hold back the flood I feel.. I am now the 7 year  old.. 12 .. 15 .. 21  27... and again she consoles my aching heart as always.. I play with her hair.. It's really the only thing I can do.. I am honest in my tears .. but I am disappointed in myself  for not being STRONG .. funny.. but I was honest.. 

I grieve .. yes my grandmother is alive and I am thankful.. thankful for the time we have.. the moment .. the love.. but I also grieve for the loss.. the loss of her freedom.. some of her sharpness... and if I am truly honest the loss of the image I have always had of her.   I grieve what I know is the road to come.. The hardships.. My heart and shoulders are heavy and sink... but this can only last for a little bit.. I look back to her.  

She fades from the present for a moment.. She looks at me.. and says .." that was?".. pointing to the direction that Avery left.. She is going through the names silently.. Grandma is doing her best to try to mouth which one of us she thinks visited..   "Avery, grandma.. that was Avery.. "     "Oh" slips out in a exasperated sigh.. She is looking tired.  Then with a quick return to present.. "what are you doing with another dog?"   I smile and laugh thankful for the gift of presence... "the dog found us.. and did you see the wee ones face.. do you want to tell her we shouldn't have it?"  .. She looks at me with a look of usual suspicion that is questioning my true motives.. "I guess not"  with as much of a haughty laugh she can handle.  

She is looking tired again.. She looks from the TV to me.. and her eyes dull.. her lids start to close.. I call Ittie in and lift her up to kiss grandma..  Itties voice rings true.. "I love you grandma"  .." I love you too my dear " is Mary's return..   I look her in the eye.. again I am now the 7 year old..  and state with an innocence and honesty straight from my soul " I love you grandma.. "   her answer.." I love you to my dear.."

I cling to that sound.. those words.. her image of love for me ..The wonderful gift of her being and the 39 years I have had to spend hearing her reprimand, banter.. love.. console.. Sharing  the woman who she was and is  .. I am lucky to share time with her in her end days be it  a few days  of a few months or years..