The Bus is out there.. watch that curb.

I wake up cold sweat.. .... The grave chill  still feels on my body.  This time the dream about dark emptiness.. nothing.. the void..  My mind toys with me.. what if its true nothing after this life.. what if its not yours to have.. What if there are multiple lives but you don't remember anything so its as if you haven't lived before.. WHAT IF>>>>

I remind myself of my spirituality.. my beliefs.. I try to calm my inner psychosis that is going on..  and I tremble but feel some resemblance of calm settling back in.. The invisible hand lifts from my chest a little bit.

I know why I feel this way.. It is not about my eternal soul.  It's about Harriet's diagnosis.  It's about the health problems that loom over her and us and its my fear of life without her.  The void is my dark lonely place.

My world is a much happier place with her.  Not rainbows and unicorns.. OK maybe rainbows...(hmmm). Fulfillment is the word.  Yet it is threatened and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.  I can coach, cheer, nag.  I can cook the right things.  But I can't control what is happening inside her.  This for a control freak as myself.  The puzzle solver that I am, a work around queen.  A believer that there is always a solution. is a nightmare.  My solution is acceptance and I am not there yet.

Acceptance..Damn that word.. not my forte.  I have survived and moved ahead by challenging not accepting. I have embraced myself, found my love by not accepting the "rules" but my listening to my heart and using my head.  So acceptance.. I growl.. I find it unsettling.

My mind shouts:.. She has worked so hard.  she is trying..  This is not fair.. My anger at the reality.. Her heart is weak.. And life is forever different.  It is unpredictable.. But these statements are true about everyday.  However the statements of: you don't know from day to day.. I mean you could be here and gone the next,  don't bring me peace.. It freaks me out.. I want to scream at the person.. I understand that .. you don't think I understand that I am living that scenario.  But the metaphorical you could get hit by a bus is Harriet's heart.  It's real and everyday I step off that curb knowing a bus is waiting.

I realize that my intense focus isn't helping.  My cognitive realization isn't doing much to help settle the anxiety that is boiling up and over into my dreams and reality.  So I search believing that more understanding will give me a better place to work from.  I read the prognosis.  The transition of the disease... This is not helping.  I go and talk to my experts.. The solemn expressions.. The gravity to their tone.. not exactly soothing.. its just kindling to my already blazing worry.

Now I wish for ignorance.. but I can't turn back that clock and not that I really want the lack of knowledge, but I want the ability and freedom to not worry because I don't understand the magnitude of the situation. Just for a moment.

Do I think I am being dramatic about this.. yes.. do I believe the reality is severe? absolutely.  Do I realize that by freaking out about Harriet's heart like I am is not helpful to either one of us.. on a second by second basis which truly makes me annoyed with myself.  I know mind wrenching right..

I wish I was a better person in that I rise above this madness all the time to be there for the person I love.  I have failed and honestly will fail from time to time again.  I do what I can.  I tell her ever day that I love her.  I appreciate the moments for what they are and I dance with her when given the opportunity.. and I do love a good slow dance..

Ya that bus is out there.. but I am hoping it continues to stall... I will continue have this fear.. but with it I have my appreciation for the person I love.. I am lucky .. 3 years to 40 .. I don't know what we will have together.. I know it will be full of love, a bond that grows, strength and endurance.. I keep telling Ittie that bravery isn't the lack of fear its facing your fear and dealing with it.. So time to live that one for myself and Harriet.

Life on the Farm .. The New Normal

Ahhh.. Stop him.. .. BUNNY.. get Jay.. NO RILEY.. BUNNY...

The little rabbit is now only sheltered by Harriet's hand as the dog flanks from the right and the cat from the left.  Harriet playing the role of the Pelican in Finding Nemo.. Just jump in my mouth aka hand bunny its your only chance.

A few minutes later Harriet is holding a baby rabbit with a bouncing Ittie and a bouncing Affenpinscher by her side.. both wanting to see the bunny for polar opposite reasons..

Harriet if we just find the "hole" we can put it back.. Me umm I think the hole was found and that is our survivor..  Rabbit looks nervously but takes the cuddles and pets.   So now the question.. what to do with the bunny that we just kept from being Jay or Riley's afternoon snack. 

"Harriet if you want it to survive we can put it in the last rabbit hutch and raise it until its bigger.. We have hay.. and sweet mix .  We have the bunny water bottles.". I get a look of really it should be let go.  I reply with. " If you let it go.. it will be dinner.".  Not that I disagree with her but the reality of effort that was just put forth to save the bunny makes it seem that we should continue on with this effort.  So now we have the rabbit with no name living in a hutch under a lean to.. another mouth to feed until she (yes we sexed the bunny) can be let go to free range.

This is our life on the farm.. A balance between trying to trap or shoot the muskrat that is digging holes in the side of our pond and destroying a resource to saving lives of the animals that we can save.  Raising animals to "consume" and raising animals for joy companionship and work.  I look at the turkeys that follow me when I come outside and feel a twinge of guilt of knowing what I am intending their future to be.  They look at me.. they peep.. They have personalities.. and they also have a purpose for this farm.. for this family for this business.. So as long as they are here they will be treated with dignity and grace and given treats and grains.. so they can enjoy the sun on their feathers and the dirt and grass beneath their talon feet.  Little feathered dinosaurs running around the acreage.. I pacify my guilt with the ideal of these turkey's have a life that is filled with Sun.. frolic and good food. Most Turkey's in this world unless wild don't get that.  Yes my friends its a justification but its the one that lets me sleep at night if I and my family are going to be a meat eaters.

I am signed up for shooting lessons to be a better shot.  We have a coyote issue in our area.  We also have had a few coons, a couple opossums in the barn.  These are varmints for us as we have lost some livestock to our local traveling predators.  My job is to protect our farm, our livelihood.   This task as nasty  as it may sound is done with a gun.   I must learn to use the tool and it is a tool around here.  As needed as a hoe, shovel, plow or bridle.  I believe that with such a lethal tool, I need to be able to be accurate and use it diligently and wisely so I have lessons with a local marksman.   Again.. it is not something that I am not overly proud about.  Its just the new normal. 

My new normal is dawning Muck boots over red and white plaid pajama bottoms as I go out in the morning remembering to try to find the PJ's without the whole in the butt so the neighbors don't see the moon rising in the morning.  Muck boots with shorts at night.. (its quite the fashion statement).

It's realizing that from the barn to the house when you have hydrated properly is a really long way .. So getting over a bit of public nudity is OK vs wet pants...If men can mark their corner so can I..

 My new normal is trying to help my daughter get over her fear of the geese when she  with other animals is fearless. Realizing that Ittie now believes cowboy boots go with every outfit including sport shorts.   Enjoying a good lightning bug hunt, a dream and story of clouds.  A discussion of constellations and their myths.

Coffee on the stoop in the AM  and a beer or glass of wine on the porch in the PM  Smell of grilled garden veges and the laughter that comes with a certain "simplicity" of life.   It's not easy.. As my grandmother said.. we bought ourselves a whole lot of work.  But at the end of my day.. I feel good.  I look upon the world .. and our corner of it.. sigh at the the baby bunny in the hutch.  Look at our 1000 lb yard ornament munching on grass.  The sigh I have is not one of resignation but of relaxation.  I am enjoying this new normal.. as crazy as it may be.. as distracting and sometimes messy .. It's what at the end of the day refreshes and enlightens me.. It's my zen .. It's my niche.. It's my normal..