She lays here quietly sleeping.. So hot to the touch but I continue to rub her bare back. She moans.. and aches.. I place the cold rice bag upon her neck.. making sure that it crosses the arteries. I am exhausted.
What time did this start.. 4:30.. OK not really last night she was a bit winy and then there was the complaint of the sore throat before bedtime. .." Go gargle Ittie .. " was my reply in the motherly voice that half took her seriously and half believed she was delaying bedtime. When will I learn to add up the scenarios
4:30 .. the looming feeling of something over my head.. a poke to my arm.. another.. "mama" in a hushed whisper. huh.. Ittie what time is it? I flip the phone over .. see the time.. 4:30 seems to glares out wincing my eyes at the harsh reality of time and brightness from the phone. Reality: it is way to early. the long breathe in..
"OK Ittie lets go back to bed" some how is pushed out by air from my lungs at a hushed voice. "mama..I don't feel good" I reach up feel her head.. Its cool.. a bit clammy but I write this off as I had adjusted the thermostat and Ittie is a famous cover tosser. She has perfected the sport.. Even to the point of tucking it in all around her and then finding her butt up in the air. Face sideways on pillow.. Sheet beneath her pulled up and covers pushed down.. At the thought of this picture.. this is why she is cooler. "OK Ittie , you don't feel hot, throat still sore.. probably post nasal drip" my inner voice finishes the rationalization you were playing outside today probably exposure to grass and such. All logical right. "mama I feel like I am going to throw-up" .. OK Ittie.. there is a bowl next to your bed figuring to myself if its post nasal drip nausea is possible.
Then it happens.. I hear the cry the cough.. the sound that is regurgitation.. and then the foot steps "Mama.. I just threw up.. " but I am getting up. She is a bit warmer of course this goes along with the up-chuck of the remainder of last nights meal. It was an easy night Kraft mac and cheese and applesauce. I am thankful for this both for her sake and mine. I dispose of the evidence.. Get out the thermometer.. Avery on queue opens mouth, lifts tongue.. insert device.. drops tongue and closes mouth. In a 10 count.. BEEP BEEP .. 99.9 with a yellow background. "I am yellow, she declares" Yep Ittie Yellow not bad but not great.. lets get some ibuprofen. I sloth down the stairs now mostly awake and trying to get my legs to realize that returning back to bed is not really an option.. The young pups bark at the creek the golden announcement to them that someone approaches to let them out .. Shhhh comes out of my mouth.. "not yet" They can't understand you is the thought that immediately goes through my mind. They don't get that she is sick upstairs and you are muddling through finding the ibuprofen.. I get the sacred med. and fumble through the everything utensil drawer looking for a medicine syringe. Found one awesome.. OK now back up the stairs.. Cry.. Cough.. regurgitation.. "Mama."..... ugh this is going to be a long day
I don't remember Harriet leaving for work. I remember my sick kid on the couch. Cartoons on.. Me trying to get her to sip some flat sprite. I called the school to inform them she wouldn't be in.. It's the principal he knows me by voice and name and immediately states "Avery ....s Mrs G.... not in today. I hope she feels better is the reply on the phone." "Me too is mine" as I look over to the limp noodle that has become my daughter on the couch. "mama I hurt.. my stomach hurts." Ok Ittie lets try a tums and see . munch munch.. she downs ones.. sips sprite.. 20 minutes go by she feels a bit better.. then the dash.. she doesn't quite make it.. "Sorry mama" Its OK Ittie you tried did you get it on you? So much for the sprite and tums. She goes between warm and clammy. moaning and somewhat watching TV.. Then to a crawl on my lap.. I hold her as if she were a babe again.. a 6 month old cuddled up.. I hold her close, stroke her head .. gently kiss it. Oh this child..
8:30.. thank god I can call... I get through on the second try. HI there.. This is Gretchen Binney, my child.. has been not able to keep anything down since 4:30. Can we come in today. I hear the secretary say ohh partially in empathy I suppose and partially in looking for a time. "I have a 4:20".. an answer that came with this is all I have and I know you wanted maybe needed something sooner. "We'll take it and if anything happens that worse, we have plan B. Plan B deals with going to the ER at a temp of 103 and or severe cramping. I am not getting her to hold anything down so the usual rotation of fever control isn't working today. She takes something 10 to 20 minutes both Avery and I are revisited by that which was once consumed. She bears the brunt of this. All I can do is comfort and think.. what next.. The day goes on. Ittie gets worse. Fever goes to 101 and doesn't come back down.. "Mama I am in the red, states Ittie with some concern" yes baby its red but just at the beginning of Red not late red so we are going to do this cool rice pack, wash rag.. no covers, and bare minimum to reduce how much heat is staying in your body.
"mama I am weak" and she shakes with the mug of water. I look at the time is 12.. Really 4 more ..$%^&*# hours.. OK its OK I tell myself. I put the cup down. Want me to read a book. "yes and a little smile. So I pull out a long story. It was about a pony who wanted to be with kids. Of course this is a good story its a kid friendly pony that wants kids to ride it. Ittie adds a question or observation here and there but mostly leans in. I am happy it gives me the illusion that I am protecting her more.. but truly it's an illusion .. Some microscopic bug viral or bacterial most likely is rampaging through her body. It's an internal war that I can only give support.
"mama stay up here with me" "ok Ittie.. and I start singing her lullaby. " I must admit it is an easy toon, and I make up part of the lyrics each time but she likes it and finds it soothing.. (not sure how I have heard my singing soothing is not quite the word I would use for it.. more like the gull from Little Mermaid.. and awkward squawk.. ) No Matter she likes and is falling asleep as I rub her back and stroke her hair.. She is hot and in pain. Her legs are cramping and she can't keep any liquid down. I am anxious and feeling helpless at the fact that I am waiting .. waiting for this magical time of 4:30 . Wanting magical powers to poof away the illness and pain.. The tingling of fear has just started. The fear that your kid is sick.. the one that works its way in with worry and fret. I push it back.
Harriet arrives home.. ahh some relief or another soul just to compare all the steps today with. All checks out. Then Ittie's dad calls. I had called several times today in-between things. He had left his phone in the car the night before. I have to say my last two messages were curt.. not mean but very direct.. Your child is sick, she is not at school, I need to know if you are going to take her to her Dr. appointment. It is his time with her so .. and we talk he comes out. picks Avery up. As she loads into the car. I give him the scenario the script of the day at least 3 times. "Makes sure to mention her legs are cramping and that nothing no liquid is staying down" "OK" he looks at me wearily but understanding.
I shut the door and they are off. We text while at they are at the Dr. Office. It's viral. so nothing to help make it go away quicker. If she continues to vomit then tomorrow the Doctor is having her hospitalized and of course if the fever shoots any higher and the cramping or symptoms get worse.. go to the ER tonight. Great so this could go either way in the next 24 hours.. Awesomeness..
8:30 PM.. Text received "she is keeping liquids down for an hour now" YAY... OK its a small thing.. but I know this means some absorption has happened in the small intestine. Phew I think.. I speak with her. She sounds weak. "I love you Ittie.." " I love you mama"
Maybe this is a story of love, of me being a neurotic, worrisome mom. Maybe both. I look back over the last 24 hours and the feelings and actions and all the emotions thoughts and behaviors that this experience contained. It was a microcosm of life. It is part of parenting. It is part of loving. Ittie is the force that grounds me, drives me and keeps me real. She forces me to pull out strengths that I didn't even understand I have had and patience that I needed. She tempers my fears with the need for rationality and calm. Every day, each moment I share with this wonderful being I am blessed and driven to be the best authentic me so I can be the best person for her, for me for my family.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Pirate Princess.
The Pink Princess strained to look over the vast plains around her.
Riley and Lilly by her side..
Lick ..
"Lilly" said with the joy of a child and the chagrin of a princess trying to concentrate on her surroundings.
To the pirate ship.. There in the midst of sea of green..Lay her ship. waiting to be boarded. The gust of wind whipped her shirt tails up around her with leaves of the season and pushed her onward as if to say .. It is a good day to sail my lady.
She ran.. leaving her four footed fury companions at the edge.. Mama, Harriet.... I am off to sail the pirate seas.. "Argg" is the sound from the garage where Mama and Harriet are having a deep discussion over the green grass cutting carriage. "Pirates" she says in amazement as she climbs up to the deck.. Her playset transforms into her ship and in an instant with her spyglass in hand she is sailing the seas of GBASH.
The winds batter the ship and The Mighty Pink Princess rocks to and fro.. PURRRR says Jay, her dusk grey first mate says as he leans on her for support. The clouds over head sail by in the blue sky and the golden rays cast down on them. A good day to sail it is ..
She saw the Island of Goat.. where Babs and Gabby made their home.. Quietly gnawing and chewing.. NAAAA they called out as she sailed by. HI BABS HI GAbby.. Next time I must remember to bring them treats Ittie thought. Jay Purred and they sailed on..
Land of the Cranky Roosters and their absent minded hens was next as they squawked and sqabbled. Avery loved to watch them but found the Roosters quite undesirable to spend any time with as they were persitently pushy and always on her heals.
Bob White BoBwhite was the salute from the Lavendare and Gray Guineas as she tore past.. Nervous foreign creatures they are however to take in. They could scale almost any summit, fly.. But they ran from here to there darting and weaving.. ducking and turning as they hunted for insects and bugs.
Suddenly if out of no where came the loudest haunting chill sending sound from the depths below.
HONNNKKKK .. HONNNNKKK .. Alarmed the pink princess sees her Nemesis .. GANDER the Gargantuan Goose.. As it wades through the green and squawks its evil call.
"YOU WILL NOT get me today .. you silly goose".. bellowed Ittie from the deck.."I know your willy ways and have come prepared". Ittie waves a stick in hand. Her last meeting with the goose did not go in her favorp; today it did not look good for the goose.
Sensing that the princess could not be taken today and seeing the mighty magical staff in hand.. one last HONKKKK was given and GANDER wandered on to find other quarry.
Wooo HOOO . with a Meow. was the conquering cheer as she rushed down the escape hatch to the dock below .. With a couple flips and flaps on the adjoining swings .. Ittie came back from the Seas to tell Lilly and Riley all about it. .
Mama emerged from the pirate hole.. with a red cap on that looked very curiosly like a pirate and Harriet sat up with black tar stained face and hands and a yellow cap...
How was your voyage captain.. spoke the pirate that looked like Mama..
"Mama and Harriet are Pirates" and a laugh came over the two women, "well I guess we are my lady and you must be a pirate princess sailing the seas and conquering geese... Was it a good adventure."
Yes it was .. said Ittie and she peered off over her kingdom to see what adventure was to be had next with Riley and Lilly by her side.
Riley and Lilly by her side..
Lick ..
"Lilly" said with the joy of a child and the chagrin of a princess trying to concentrate on her surroundings.
To the pirate ship.. There in the midst of sea of green..Lay her ship. waiting to be boarded. The gust of wind whipped her shirt tails up around her with leaves of the season and pushed her onward as if to say .. It is a good day to sail my lady.
She ran.. leaving her four footed fury companions at the edge.. Mama, Harriet.... I am off to sail the pirate seas.. "Argg" is the sound from the garage where Mama and Harriet are having a deep discussion over the green grass cutting carriage. "Pirates" she says in amazement as she climbs up to the deck.. Her playset transforms into her ship and in an instant with her spyglass in hand she is sailing the seas of GBASH.
The winds batter the ship and The Mighty Pink Princess rocks to and fro.. PURRRR says Jay, her dusk grey first mate says as he leans on her for support. The clouds over head sail by in the blue sky and the golden rays cast down on them. A good day to sail it is ..
She saw the Island of Goat.. where Babs and Gabby made their home.. Quietly gnawing and chewing.. NAAAA they called out as she sailed by. HI BABS HI GAbby.. Next time I must remember to bring them treats Ittie thought. Jay Purred and they sailed on..
Land of the Cranky Roosters and their absent minded hens was next as they squawked and sqabbled. Avery loved to watch them but found the Roosters quite undesirable to spend any time with as they were persitently pushy and always on her heals.
Bob White BoBwhite was the salute from the Lavendare and Gray Guineas as she tore past.. Nervous foreign creatures they are however to take in. They could scale almost any summit, fly.. But they ran from here to there darting and weaving.. ducking and turning as they hunted for insects and bugs.
Suddenly if out of no where came the loudest haunting chill sending sound from the depths below.
HONNNKKKK .. HONNNNKKK .. Alarmed the pink princess sees her Nemesis .. GANDER the Gargantuan Goose.. As it wades through the green and squawks its evil call.
"YOU WILL NOT get me today .. you silly goose".. bellowed Ittie from the deck.."I know your willy ways and have come prepared". Ittie waves a stick in hand. Her last meeting with the goose did not go in her favorp; today it did not look good for the goose.
Sensing that the princess could not be taken today and seeing the mighty magical staff in hand.. one last HONKKKK was given and GANDER wandered on to find other quarry.
Wooo HOOO . with a Meow. was the conquering cheer as she rushed down the escape hatch to the dock below .. With a couple flips and flaps on the adjoining swings .. Ittie came back from the Seas to tell Lilly and Riley all about it. .
Mama emerged from the pirate hole.. with a red cap on that looked very curiosly like a pirate and Harriet sat up with black tar stained face and hands and a yellow cap...
How was your voyage captain.. spoke the pirate that looked like Mama..
"Mama and Harriet are Pirates" and a laugh came over the two women, "well I guess we are my lady and you must be a pirate princess sailing the seas and conquering geese... Was it a good adventure."
Yes it was .. said Ittie and she peered off over her kingdom to see what adventure was to be had next with Riley and Lilly by her side.
Monday, October 8, 2012
words.. just words
“There exists, for everyone, a sentence - a series of words - that has the power to destroy you. Another sentence exists, another series of words, that could heal you. If you're lucky you will get the second, but you can be certain of getting the first.”
― Philip K. Dick, VALIS
In this day of the information super highway.. As I type these scripts together and they come to mean symbolize some recognizable "word". I organize them on this page into a sentence or thought and together create a message.
You read it.. Think it.. for a second internalize it and compare it to thoughts and other scripts that your have read.. As Mr. Morrocco use to sum up Analyzing over Accommodation= Integration..
Its a miracle that a few "symbols" in a rearranged orders can mean and send out millions of different messages. Can influence thought, attitudes, values, behaviors.
We have used them as weapons, we have used them to heal. We use them to get people to act to change thinking, behaviors, the world in which we live.
We transformed from a being that used grunts and utterances to a society across the world that uses thousands of symbols signs, languages to communicate intent, meaning, actions, non actions, trick, deceive, be honest, express humility, apologize, take down, build up, affection, love..
Words influence our thoughts our tolerance our behavior and our attitude and outlook of the world. If you don't believe me.. For a week try to use positive expressions. Don't cuss, grumble. Find the opportunity and see if you view life from the other side of the looking glass. Compliment people and things. Take measure of how you feel, your general outlook upon the world.. I am betting it will be a bit more positive.. maybe even smirkish... Word can changes who we are.
In this country .. land of the free.. including free speech.. at times I believe that we have forgotten how important and special words are. We throw them around without thinking of the consequences. We pair them with emotional pictures to "get our point across because we have the right to be heard".
While I agree with the concept. I believe we have forgotten the responsibility that goes with this freedom. There are reason there are liable and slander laws. Just because we can say it, we can print it, we can broadcast it again goes back to doesn't mean we should. And if we do we have the utmost responsibility to use the words with the gravity that goes along with the freedom that we hold so dear.
How we present ourselves, with these scripts that can be rearrange to thousands of different iconic symbols and meanings, thoughts and beliefs. How we read, interpret, and go forth with action.. Are all interdependent.
Right now what I see is a montage of angry words, fear and frustration and honestly rightly so. However, I have never known a person, a group or society to progress when this is the place that they continue to work from. I have seen this be motivation to lead to great discussions and discourse. but I have also noticed lately instead of discussion it seems to be leading to more of polarization. And honestly this is what scares me.
The words symbolizing, hate, blame, anger.. groups gathering behind them using them to move the masses "live lions running buffalo". FYI I believe this happens all over on both sides of the political arena before anyone believes I am taking a leftist approach.
I want honest discourse. Lets talk about why we believe what we do, lets talk about the history and real values that we have in this country. Lets work together and use our words to unite people and protect people verse divide conquer and "let the majority win" Because the truth about the majority today is that at some point in time it won't be the majority tomorrow.. and then what.
Lets use words to bring us together, motivate us to work to build and unite then tear down. Lets be humble about our limitations and weaknesses and utilize our strengths. Lets call out to the soon to be leaders that we aren't buying into the hype and the words on either side that try to scare us and make us angry.. We are looking for something that is honest, has integrity and protects everyone in this country because we all bring something to the table. We all have a voice. We all have this symbols..We all have value. Truly let us use our words.. and the power that they have. And while we have all had words to tear us down may this be a future of words, sentences and actions to move us forward and heal us..
― Philip K. Dick, VALIS
In this day of the information super highway.. As I type these scripts together and they come to mean symbolize some recognizable "word". I organize them on this page into a sentence or thought and together create a message.
You read it.. Think it.. for a second internalize it and compare it to thoughts and other scripts that your have read.. As Mr. Morrocco use to sum up Analyzing over Accommodation= Integration..
Its a miracle that a few "symbols" in a rearranged orders can mean and send out millions of different messages. Can influence thought, attitudes, values, behaviors.
We have used them as weapons, we have used them to heal. We use them to get people to act to change thinking, behaviors, the world in which we live.
We transformed from a being that used grunts and utterances to a society across the world that uses thousands of symbols signs, languages to communicate intent, meaning, actions, non actions, trick, deceive, be honest, express humility, apologize, take down, build up, affection, love..
Words influence our thoughts our tolerance our behavior and our attitude and outlook of the world. If you don't believe me.. For a week try to use positive expressions. Don't cuss, grumble. Find the opportunity and see if you view life from the other side of the looking glass. Compliment people and things. Take measure of how you feel, your general outlook upon the world.. I am betting it will be a bit more positive.. maybe even smirkish... Word can changes who we are.
In this country .. land of the free.. including free speech.. at times I believe that we have forgotten how important and special words are. We throw them around without thinking of the consequences. We pair them with emotional pictures to "get our point across because we have the right to be heard".
While I agree with the concept. I believe we have forgotten the responsibility that goes with this freedom. There are reason there are liable and slander laws. Just because we can say it, we can print it, we can broadcast it again goes back to doesn't mean we should. And if we do we have the utmost responsibility to use the words with the gravity that goes along with the freedom that we hold so dear.
How we present ourselves, with these scripts that can be rearrange to thousands of different iconic symbols and meanings, thoughts and beliefs. How we read, interpret, and go forth with action.. Are all interdependent.
Right now what I see is a montage of angry words, fear and frustration and honestly rightly so. However, I have never known a person, a group or society to progress when this is the place that they continue to work from. I have seen this be motivation to lead to great discussions and discourse. but I have also noticed lately instead of discussion it seems to be leading to more of polarization. And honestly this is what scares me.
The words symbolizing, hate, blame, anger.. groups gathering behind them using them to move the masses "live lions running buffalo". FYI I believe this happens all over on both sides of the political arena before anyone believes I am taking a leftist approach.
I want honest discourse. Lets talk about why we believe what we do, lets talk about the history and real values that we have in this country. Lets work together and use our words to unite people and protect people verse divide conquer and "let the majority win" Because the truth about the majority today is that at some point in time it won't be the majority tomorrow.. and then what.
Lets use words to bring us together, motivate us to work to build and unite then tear down. Lets be humble about our limitations and weaknesses and utilize our strengths. Lets call out to the soon to be leaders that we aren't buying into the hype and the words on either side that try to scare us and make us angry.. We are looking for something that is honest, has integrity and protects everyone in this country because we all bring something to the table. We all have a voice. We all have this symbols..We all have value. Truly let us use our words.. and the power that they have. And while we have all had words to tear us down may this be a future of words, sentences and actions to move us forward and heal us..
Monday, September 24, 2012
Cold Hands
My hands are cold on my face.. The water drops seem thickened as they glimmer in the morning sun.. Tiny pools caught somewhere between ice and water. I love this time of year.
This signals something in me.. A need to move a time of change. Action.
The Case International has made a couple passes in the corn field across the road.
The cats fur is becoming a bit thicker and dense.
The turkeys.. it is time to make some phone calls about our four male turkeys.
We are purging all that is not needed for the winter months. Stuff to be moved, sold, thrown out .. goes.. Everything else needs to be insulated, packed away .. saved..
I look at the barn.. Think we have a month. Finish the roofing repairs, get the doors on. Electricity to that barn will have to happen next year. Look to the small barns and start thinking of the path for the trench that will hold the conduit for the electric line and for plumbing.
Gaze at the pond wondering when I will get to sink a line in the coming days.. will I have time. The little row boat needs to be moved to the pole barn and put up for winter
There are lots of projects to be finished in the coming days. Lots of work to be done in the dwindling daylight and into the twilight hours.
Warm drinks to be enjoyed, soups to be tried and tested. Camp fires to be started a place to warm up while moving around outside. A place to stare and loose your thoughts and worries into the flames..
Ittie is in change also. From K to 1st. Her thoughts, her actions, her knowledge move and change like this season. Her ability to ponder and discuss with her bounding imagination and indulgence in humor flavors the soul with an essence that leaves me savoring each moment with her.
"Mama".. yes Ittie.."what does the mama tomato say to the baby tomato"... what Ittie.. "Catsup" A giggle and smile of an imp comes out of her as I can't help but smile back and be proud of the punch line.
The wind blows and the sounds of the metal roof, banging wood, wisping corn stalks, raking tree limbs, thuds of apples falling from trees, ducks quacking is the symphony that fills the air..
Ittie, Sam Harriet and I live in this spot.. This moment in time. Our bit of Heaven on Earth. I move to pick up kindling and stack it next to the wood pile. Smell the earth, take in the low orange waves that are appearing on the horizon. Breathe deep.. Feel my cold hands.. How I love this time of year.
This signals something in me.. A need to move a time of change. Action.
The Case International has made a couple passes in the corn field across the road.
The cats fur is becoming a bit thicker and dense.
The turkeys.. it is time to make some phone calls about our four male turkeys.
We are purging all that is not needed for the winter months. Stuff to be moved, sold, thrown out .. goes.. Everything else needs to be insulated, packed away .. saved..
I look at the barn.. Think we have a month. Finish the roofing repairs, get the doors on. Electricity to that barn will have to happen next year. Look to the small barns and start thinking of the path for the trench that will hold the conduit for the electric line and for plumbing.
Gaze at the pond wondering when I will get to sink a line in the coming days.. will I have time. The little row boat needs to be moved to the pole barn and put up for winter
There are lots of projects to be finished in the coming days. Lots of work to be done in the dwindling daylight and into the twilight hours.
Warm drinks to be enjoyed, soups to be tried and tested. Camp fires to be started a place to warm up while moving around outside. A place to stare and loose your thoughts and worries into the flames..
Ittie is in change also. From K to 1st. Her thoughts, her actions, her knowledge move and change like this season. Her ability to ponder and discuss with her bounding imagination and indulgence in humor flavors the soul with an essence that leaves me savoring each moment with her.
"Mama".. yes Ittie.."what does the mama tomato say to the baby tomato"... what Ittie.. "Catsup" A giggle and smile of an imp comes out of her as I can't help but smile back and be proud of the punch line.
The wind blows and the sounds of the metal roof, banging wood, wisping corn stalks, raking tree limbs, thuds of apples falling from trees, ducks quacking is the symphony that fills the air..
Ittie, Sam Harriet and I live in this spot.. This moment in time. Our bit of Heaven on Earth. I move to pick up kindling and stack it next to the wood pile. Smell the earth, take in the low orange waves that are appearing on the horizon. Breathe deep.. Feel my cold hands.. How I love this time of year.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Me and Faith... a road full of bumps, curves, and still being traveled.
First off: Note this entirely personal. Not a comment made to be bashed, thrown around idealized.. It's my philosophical journey. It is rooted in several different experiences, views, feelings and interpretations. This solely represents MY FAITH, SPIRITUALITY. VIEWS and Beliefs. So before journeying on into this written endeavour to weed out some of my philosophy and driving force on life.. Please free your mind enough to see that.. if you can't and you journey on or stop. Either way I am looking for discourse.. Because I believe through challenge and discussion we can find understanding, tolerance, truth.. or at least a path to civility.
I remember being 10.. crossing the street and thinking.. "if there is a God, then this God does not care about me and so I don't care about this GOD. IE God doesn't exist." It was an interesting time in the least at my house. My father had left for the second time in my life. All my siblings were away. Carl and Suzanne at College, Mike was out in the real world. I was home with Mom. What I saw at times was a woman broken. A woman who prayed and there was "no deliverance" for me, her, US.. I would go home to find her curled up in such despair that she was unreachable. Checked out.. At times she would snap out of it.. and be vested but alot of this time was alone and in my head. My father came back, chaos remained and I went along silently.
15 .. dad left for the last time. Mom broke permanently. Her saving place was church so I drove her there. It was a great way to practice driving. What I didn't know is how badly I needed to feel loved. The church, my friends, "god" gave that to me. I became a real Bible thumper for about 2 years until my youth pastor and I got into a discussion about my mother -her boyfriend and that by her having Sex out of Marriage with him and she did not ask for forgiveness this would mean she would go to Hell. Now I could think of many of the reasons / fights both my Mother and I should both feel the flames of fiery torment.. I mean the screaming matches we had, the abuse, the depression and suicide attempts.. But God would DAMN her for feeling and ounce of love toward a man that loved her back.. Hello Angry 10 year old.. I rejected the youth pastor.. Not God this time.. But I also started questioning the "Conservative rigid" side of FAITH, Religion.. ideals.
For example: If everyone is suppose to be Christian by God's order. Then why are there baby Buddhist, Muslims, Jews, Jains, Hindu's. God creates everyone as they are suppose to be created yes?? If Christianity is the faith of the world.. Why did Buddhism develop go on for so long and continue and well be separated by some of the tallest, highest most treacherous mountains in the world. God created the world correct, nature.. its all in his/her plan.. So therefore Buddhism, Hinduism , Judaisms had to have a place in this plan. ..
If we are all god's children and God loves us as a parent/ creator loves the world. Then isn't god's saving power to all of us not just through one messenger. I mean if Avery isn't listening I engage others, people of influence in her life to help. In the end I want her to contribute good to the world, stay healthy, love, be kind, responsible. Isn't this most hope of parents for most Children.. So if God is acting like a parent isn't that what God wants for everyone be the various belief systems that get us there??
If you can't tell I still play with these thoughts and tenants.. They drive me.. encourage me.
If we just focus on the reward of eternal life and not the life lived aren't we missing the point??? It's like Avery focusing on the GIFT at Christmas and not the reason for giving.
I found a church in College and a ministry couple and family that adopted me and my curiosity. The Lesson that I hear in my brain today 15 years later is the responsibility of a Christian is to find out how god is working in their life on a daily basis. "Thank you Brenda". It's a mantra that is said silently subconsciously.
I had friends of various religious backgrounds, ethnicity's, and sexuality and one of the best "CHRISTIANs" i ever have known happens to be extremely Jewish.. She is sweet, brilliant, kind,compassionate, and driven. I strive to have some of her kindness, thought and temperament in my life. Some would label:"it is Christ like" It is who she is.. born jewish, raised jewish and like many of us, her faith is part of her but not her entirety. I am blessed to have her as a friend. Some have answered it is my job to "save her", I have answered maybe it is she who is saving us.
I left college with the plan to go into ministry. And then I got married which actually was a bigger risk for me. During that time while I was going through candidate process the United Methodist Church banned three Ministers for performing Same Sex Marriages. I dropped out of the ministry route. How could I support an organization that excluded verses included. How could they deny the love of two consenting adults for one another and how could they ever accept me a Bi-Sexual Minister teaching about God's love and acceptance and forgiveness. Where was the GRACE in this?
I went to social work. I worked with dual diagnosis adults, homelessness and domestic violence. Addicts, geriatrics, at risk youth, boys detention/ counseling center for young families, and prevention programs for young mothers and fathers. What I learned: I became extremely jaded to shield myself from some of the atrocity's of this country where our biggest problem is exclusion. That religion can be an addiction, that many churches used the acceptance of god to give relief to the needy and that I really respect the local Catholic Charities at that time that said all people deserve to be safe, clothed and fed. God wasn't in the show but the need for power, control, feeling better then others was. Be it a mother quoting scripture to me about why I needed to support the less fortunate when she had spent money on cigarettes instead of diapers and spanked her child after he threw a chair during Jerry Springer, or the organization that chose to make women attend Bible study twice a week before giving them groceries for the month. The use of God as a weapon a tool to gain was everywhere..
I left religion, I left social work.. I went to computers and got divorced. I invested in friends, and created a family. I have had and do discuss God the Bible, truth meaning, it's actually one of my favorite discussions. I like to know why people believe what they believe, Sometimes its family of origin, safety, needing a 12 step plan to get the reward at the end, sometimes it an I am right issue. Sometimes its truly just faith, belief, interpersonal drive, quiet code that isn't discussed.. I have in my life those who I consider Authentic.. by that I mean they live a life because it is them and to the core know.. Be it Science, be it Christ, be it a mingling of church, family, friends.
Over time my belief of SIN is something based on selfishness.Honestly the MOP rules come to mind. Does it harm myself, others, property.. It focuses just on personal gain in no regards for all those that it affects. Be it addiction, hoarding, sex, religion, words.. and to that belief, I have sinned , i do sin and I am trying my best to lesson it on a daily basis, ask forgiveness of those I have wronged and move on with a life of authenticity by being aware, trying to make a difference in choices I make, behaviors I chose, and the way I interact with the world around.
I recognize the creation before me, the life as a gift and the wonderful souls that I am blessed to have time to share these journey's around the sun with. I have a child against the scientific odds and she is the best life changing choice I have had to make.. And in all this I find GRACE..
When going through the divorce I found myself one night curled up in a ball on the floor feeling pain shoot out from my heart to my finger tips.. My soul was crying out. It was so immense and intense that at that moment I knew why people took their own lives. If this was an inkling of what they felt.... My dog came over with a gooey raw hide and dropped in on my head.. I pushed it away.. Again Connor dropped it.. I prayed silently for strength, for endurance, for wisdom. Connor licked my face and the pain subsided and I felt calm. Not pain free but calm. In this moment with my dog's love and strength I also felt "God" and was reminded that I have everything I need to make it in this life. LOVE, Strength, Endurance, Kindness and Compassion. and the discipline to lift myself up off the floor, wipe me off and go take my dog for a walk.
I have many healing moments like this, with Atheist Scientific friends, huggers, non-huggers who spontaneously hugged, pick me ups, moments of stark reality. In all of this I find the connection, I find "God". I claim Christianity as my base of Faith not for the "Gift at the End" but because I find the walk of the life worth living. I find Compassion, Tolerance, Love, Discipline, Seeing past the muck and the grime toward the worth and the potential and encouraging people to be that as what we are suppose to be doing, no matter who we are.
It is the mantra in the daily of my life. It is my code..my value. It is my journey, my faith.
I remember being 10.. crossing the street and thinking.. "if there is a God, then this God does not care about me and so I don't care about this GOD. IE God doesn't exist." It was an interesting time in the least at my house. My father had left for the second time in my life. All my siblings were away. Carl and Suzanne at College, Mike was out in the real world. I was home with Mom. What I saw at times was a woman broken. A woman who prayed and there was "no deliverance" for me, her, US.. I would go home to find her curled up in such despair that she was unreachable. Checked out.. At times she would snap out of it.. and be vested but alot of this time was alone and in my head. My father came back, chaos remained and I went along silently.
15 .. dad left for the last time. Mom broke permanently. Her saving place was church so I drove her there. It was a great way to practice driving. What I didn't know is how badly I needed to feel loved. The church, my friends, "god" gave that to me. I became a real Bible thumper for about 2 years until my youth pastor and I got into a discussion about my mother -her boyfriend and that by her having Sex out of Marriage with him and she did not ask for forgiveness this would mean she would go to Hell. Now I could think of many of the reasons / fights both my Mother and I should both feel the flames of fiery torment.. I mean the screaming matches we had, the abuse, the depression and suicide attempts.. But God would DAMN her for feeling and ounce of love toward a man that loved her back.. Hello Angry 10 year old.. I rejected the youth pastor.. Not God this time.. But I also started questioning the "Conservative rigid" side of FAITH, Religion.. ideals.
For example: If everyone is suppose to be Christian by God's order. Then why are there baby Buddhist, Muslims, Jews, Jains, Hindu's. God creates everyone as they are suppose to be created yes?? If Christianity is the faith of the world.. Why did Buddhism develop go on for so long and continue and well be separated by some of the tallest, highest most treacherous mountains in the world. God created the world correct, nature.. its all in his/her plan.. So therefore Buddhism, Hinduism , Judaisms had to have a place in this plan. ..
If we are all god's children and God loves us as a parent/ creator loves the world. Then isn't god's saving power to all of us not just through one messenger. I mean if Avery isn't listening I engage others, people of influence in her life to help. In the end I want her to contribute good to the world, stay healthy, love, be kind, responsible. Isn't this most hope of parents for most Children.. So if God is acting like a parent isn't that what God wants for everyone be the various belief systems that get us there??
If you can't tell I still play with these thoughts and tenants.. They drive me.. encourage me.
If we just focus on the reward of eternal life and not the life lived aren't we missing the point??? It's like Avery focusing on the GIFT at Christmas and not the reason for giving.
I found a church in College and a ministry couple and family that adopted me and my curiosity. The Lesson that I hear in my brain today 15 years later is the responsibility of a Christian is to find out how god is working in their life on a daily basis. "Thank you Brenda". It's a mantra that is said silently subconsciously.
I had friends of various religious backgrounds, ethnicity's, and sexuality and one of the best "CHRISTIANs" i ever have known happens to be extremely Jewish.. She is sweet, brilliant, kind,compassionate, and driven. I strive to have some of her kindness, thought and temperament in my life. Some would label:"it is Christ like" It is who she is.. born jewish, raised jewish and like many of us, her faith is part of her but not her entirety. I am blessed to have her as a friend. Some have answered it is my job to "save her", I have answered maybe it is she who is saving us.
I left college with the plan to go into ministry. And then I got married which actually was a bigger risk for me. During that time while I was going through candidate process the United Methodist Church banned three Ministers for performing Same Sex Marriages. I dropped out of the ministry route. How could I support an organization that excluded verses included. How could they deny the love of two consenting adults for one another and how could they ever accept me a Bi-Sexual Minister teaching about God's love and acceptance and forgiveness. Where was the GRACE in this?
I went to social work. I worked with dual diagnosis adults, homelessness and domestic violence. Addicts, geriatrics, at risk youth, boys detention/ counseling center for young families, and prevention programs for young mothers and fathers. What I learned: I became extremely jaded to shield myself from some of the atrocity's of this country where our biggest problem is exclusion. That religion can be an addiction, that many churches used the acceptance of god to give relief to the needy and that I really respect the local Catholic Charities at that time that said all people deserve to be safe, clothed and fed. God wasn't in the show but the need for power, control, feeling better then others was. Be it a mother quoting scripture to me about why I needed to support the less fortunate when she had spent money on cigarettes instead of diapers and spanked her child after he threw a chair during Jerry Springer, or the organization that chose to make women attend Bible study twice a week before giving them groceries for the month. The use of God as a weapon a tool to gain was everywhere..
I left religion, I left social work.. I went to computers and got divorced. I invested in friends, and created a family. I have had and do discuss God the Bible, truth meaning, it's actually one of my favorite discussions. I like to know why people believe what they believe, Sometimes its family of origin, safety, needing a 12 step plan to get the reward at the end, sometimes it an I am right issue. Sometimes its truly just faith, belief, interpersonal drive, quiet code that isn't discussed.. I have in my life those who I consider Authentic.. by that I mean they live a life because it is them and to the core know.. Be it Science, be it Christ, be it a mingling of church, family, friends.
Over time my belief of SIN is something based on selfishness.Honestly the MOP rules come to mind. Does it harm myself, others, property.. It focuses just on personal gain in no regards for all those that it affects. Be it addiction, hoarding, sex, religion, words.. and to that belief, I have sinned , i do sin and I am trying my best to lesson it on a daily basis, ask forgiveness of those I have wronged and move on with a life of authenticity by being aware, trying to make a difference in choices I make, behaviors I chose, and the way I interact with the world around.
I recognize the creation before me, the life as a gift and the wonderful souls that I am blessed to have time to share these journey's around the sun with. I have a child against the scientific odds and she is the best life changing choice I have had to make.. And in all this I find GRACE..
When going through the divorce I found myself one night curled up in a ball on the floor feeling pain shoot out from my heart to my finger tips.. My soul was crying out. It was so immense and intense that at that moment I knew why people took their own lives. If this was an inkling of what they felt.... My dog came over with a gooey raw hide and dropped in on my head.. I pushed it away.. Again Connor dropped it.. I prayed silently for strength, for endurance, for wisdom. Connor licked my face and the pain subsided and I felt calm. Not pain free but calm. In this moment with my dog's love and strength I also felt "God" and was reminded that I have everything I need to make it in this life. LOVE, Strength, Endurance, Kindness and Compassion. and the discipline to lift myself up off the floor, wipe me off and go take my dog for a walk.
I have many healing moments like this, with Atheist Scientific friends, huggers, non-huggers who spontaneously hugged, pick me ups, moments of stark reality. In all of this I find the connection, I find "God". I claim Christianity as my base of Faith not for the "Gift at the End" but because I find the walk of the life worth living. I find Compassion, Tolerance, Love, Discipline, Seeing past the muck and the grime toward the worth and the potential and encouraging people to be that as what we are suppose to be doing, no matter who we are.
It is the mantra in the daily of my life. It is my code..my value. It is my journey, my faith.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Yelling from the Bleachers.. or Get in the Game
BLHAH BLAH.. Get in there, BAD Call .. BOOO HISSS.. Yells the parent, the fan, you know the guy next to you in the bleachers. Or maybe its you.
We hear the same mentality at work, on TV.. not good enough, can you believe she did that.. "This group is so bad, look at their incompetency"..
I have sat in the bleachers too.. having judgement.. at times throwing out my negativity in the winds that would carry it to whomever would listen. I have even framed it in the "well sometimes the truth hurts.. but reality is what it is."
I have also been the player on the field. The batter in the box, the coach, the worker, the manager, sister, aunt, consultant..wife, ex-wife, lover, ex-lover, Partner.. Mother.
What I am learning, have learned is that thinking before shouting is a good idea. That when my mother said if you don't have anything nice to say .. The message was truly about framing. Yes sometimes there is a bad call, a wrong that needs to be righted. Corrections to paths that are going astray. and in that when delivering the message Firmness is different from Meanness.
That yelling from the bleachers ..is just spreading negativity to the winds. Its like a sneeze in an airplane. Infectious and spreads quickly. It does nothing to make me a better person, does nothing to help the situation at hand. It doesn't bring peace, resolution, solidarity, gain. It just brings a caustic loudness that is painful to the soul and ones ears.
Yelling from the bleachers it does nothing .. hmm.. But players who have to be team-mates with people they don't like, runners who go back and help an opponent make it across the finish line. People who recover from their mistakes to come back and help the team win, and sometimes just finish or show up. Those are the people I admire.
I believe this metaphor, this experience, has influenced the way I look at leaders, success. I don't vote for the person who yells the loudest. I don't go for the "have to take a firm stand", no bi-partisanship, AKA no compromise, no getting along with people who have differences of opinion. How can we as a people of vast differences come together when we elect leaders who are rigid in their acceptance and actions. How can we be a team when the person we have raised up is one of the people that yells from the Bleachers and really isn't in the game.
When growing up playing sport, I was lucky. Our team (basic same group of softball players played together for about 8 years) had a block of parents that encouraged, clapped at our effort and our success. They picked us up when we were bruised battered and torn. When we showed "attitude" we were quickly reminded that this was about getting along, doing our job, with the Ref, the other team in some aspects, coaches and team-mates. The block of parents also weeded out the "Yellers." They would make statements like "don't listen to it.. Do your best.." Come on girls..There was always a pat on the back.
FYI: We did win the tournament, I believe 6 years out of the years I played and the other two we were runner up. Not back from 8-16. So the positive, the encouragement created an environment that we thrived in.
I admired these souls. These people who taught me as much about what it was to work in the real world, to manage, to participate to be an active member in my family, with my friends, my daughter.
As I look around to the world that I am raising Avery in, I wonder, probably as many of us have before me.. Are we taking steps forward or backwards? What is our morale compass? Who are the right leaders to continue to help our nation, our society be strong? How will we as the United States be united in respect, tolerance, growth? How will we be prompted to work with each other as a team? Because in this land of individuals .. We are are team.. Our individual performance and decision affects the group and the group affects the nation.. and in return. The guys yelling from the bleachers .. mostly are just hollow..
I am looking for a coach, a leader, someone in the game.. working to make a difference. Often these individuals are more quiet but stern, Thoughtful and take action when they need to. They tend to be about joining people.. not dividing people. Looking at the skills that are brought to the table .. not the reason why the person shouldn't be at the table. They utilize their players to make the team stronger.. Taking strengths to off set limits and they work to make the group stronger as a whole while still respecting the individual.
I am looking for that Coach in my leader this year. Someone with Vision.. Someone who can mentor, speak, change the plans/plays when they need to, surrounds themselves with wisdom. I am looking for depth, and wisdom. I am know I am in the game, I live it daily.. discussing with friends equal opportunity for all, supporting my local school, What is government truly meant to be, raising Ittie to be an appreciative, active and respectful citizen that has a voice and thinks for her self and also about the group...No yelling from the bleachers here.. We are all players .
We hear the same mentality at work, on TV.. not good enough, can you believe she did that.. "This group is so bad, look at their incompetency"..
I have sat in the bleachers too.. having judgement.. at times throwing out my negativity in the winds that would carry it to whomever would listen. I have even framed it in the "well sometimes the truth hurts.. but reality is what it is."
I have also been the player on the field. The batter in the box, the coach, the worker, the manager, sister, aunt, consultant..wife, ex-wife, lover, ex-lover, Partner.. Mother.
What I am learning, have learned is that thinking before shouting is a good idea. That when my mother said if you don't have anything nice to say .. The message was truly about framing. Yes sometimes there is a bad call, a wrong that needs to be righted. Corrections to paths that are going astray. and in that when delivering the message Firmness is different from Meanness.
That yelling from the bleachers ..is just spreading negativity to the winds. Its like a sneeze in an airplane. Infectious and spreads quickly. It does nothing to make me a better person, does nothing to help the situation at hand. It doesn't bring peace, resolution, solidarity, gain. It just brings a caustic loudness that is painful to the soul and ones ears.
Yelling from the bleachers it does nothing .. hmm.. But players who have to be team-mates with people they don't like, runners who go back and help an opponent make it across the finish line. People who recover from their mistakes to come back and help the team win, and sometimes just finish or show up. Those are the people I admire.
I believe this metaphor, this experience, has influenced the way I look at leaders, success. I don't vote for the person who yells the loudest. I don't go for the "have to take a firm stand", no bi-partisanship, AKA no compromise, no getting along with people who have differences of opinion. How can we as a people of vast differences come together when we elect leaders who are rigid in their acceptance and actions. How can we be a team when the person we have raised up is one of the people that yells from the Bleachers and really isn't in the game.
When growing up playing sport, I was lucky. Our team (basic same group of softball players played together for about 8 years) had a block of parents that encouraged, clapped at our effort and our success. They picked us up when we were bruised battered and torn. When we showed "attitude" we were quickly reminded that this was about getting along, doing our job, with the Ref, the other team in some aspects, coaches and team-mates. The block of parents also weeded out the "Yellers." They would make statements like "don't listen to it.. Do your best.." Come on girls..There was always a pat on the back.
FYI: We did win the tournament, I believe 6 years out of the years I played and the other two we were runner up. Not back from 8-16. So the positive, the encouragement created an environment that we thrived in.
I admired these souls. These people who taught me as much about what it was to work in the real world, to manage, to participate to be an active member in my family, with my friends, my daughter.
As I look around to the world that I am raising Avery in, I wonder, probably as many of us have before me.. Are we taking steps forward or backwards? What is our morale compass? Who are the right leaders to continue to help our nation, our society be strong? How will we as the United States be united in respect, tolerance, growth? How will we be prompted to work with each other as a team? Because in this land of individuals .. We are are team.. Our individual performance and decision affects the group and the group affects the nation.. and in return. The guys yelling from the bleachers .. mostly are just hollow..
I am looking for a coach, a leader, someone in the game.. working to make a difference. Often these individuals are more quiet but stern, Thoughtful and take action when they need to. They tend to be about joining people.. not dividing people. Looking at the skills that are brought to the table .. not the reason why the person shouldn't be at the table. They utilize their players to make the team stronger.. Taking strengths to off set limits and they work to make the group stronger as a whole while still respecting the individual.
I am looking for that Coach in my leader this year. Someone with Vision.. Someone who can mentor, speak, change the plans/plays when they need to, surrounds themselves with wisdom. I am looking for depth, and wisdom. I am know I am in the game, I live it daily.. discussing with friends equal opportunity for all, supporting my local school, What is government truly meant to be, raising Ittie to be an appreciative, active and respectful citizen that has a voice and thinks for her self and also about the group...No yelling from the bleachers here.. We are all players .
Friday, August 3, 2012
Making of Memories the summer of 6
The sun takes its time setting at the front of the house.
Golden rays paint the barn, grass and trees.. their shadows stretching out long and slow their finale grandeur at the end of the day.
We are gathered in the grass between the barn and house.. Working.. talking, playing.. alternating between.
Ittie runs between puppy, kitten, chicks and ducks... To her swing set/ aka pirate ship and then she sees the first one in the dwindling light.. The lightning bug rises and the hunt is now on..
I have moved to my usual herding of the poultry. Harriet is joining me or finishing up the evening touches on our current project before she moves to the barnyard to close doors and find hidden roosted feathery beings.
Long days to slow evenings/ nights and Ittie gets to linger in the twilight running chasing and caught into the disappearing/ reappearing act of the magical fireflies.
These are her summer days and ours. It's a different view on this side of the fence. I I remember gathering fireflies and putting them in a mayo jar that I had punched holes in the lid with an ice pick.. I loved this time.. It was amazing the relaxed non scheduled freedom to be me and discover.. I love that Ittie is getting a similar experience.
Sitting on the stoop watching the stars. The sky is illuminated with pin points of twinkles with little interference from the city lights. The brilliance is amazing and the depth of the darkness interrupted creates the perfect balance for pondering of dragons and quests.
I watch Ittie and I am thankful for the opportunities that this extended break gives her. The freedom to be 6 and vastness to exercise that energy and imagination. Ittie has the opportunity of shows and plays with papa, time with her great aunt, horse camp, and the general day to day discovery, growth, courage and balance. Ittie has the opportunity of childhood memories.
Golden rays paint the barn, grass and trees.. their shadows stretching out long and slow their finale grandeur at the end of the day.
We are gathered in the grass between the barn and house.. Working.. talking, playing.. alternating between.
Ittie runs between puppy, kitten, chicks and ducks... To her swing set/ aka pirate ship and then she sees the first one in the dwindling light.. The lightning bug rises and the hunt is now on..
I have moved to my usual herding of the poultry. Harriet is joining me or finishing up the evening touches on our current project before she moves to the barnyard to close doors and find hidden roosted feathery beings.
Long days to slow evenings/ nights and Ittie gets to linger in the twilight running chasing and caught into the disappearing/ reappearing act of the magical fireflies.
These are her summer days and ours. It's a different view on this side of the fence. I I remember gathering fireflies and putting them in a mayo jar that I had punched holes in the lid with an ice pick.. I loved this time.. It was amazing the relaxed non scheduled freedom to be me and discover.. I love that Ittie is getting a similar experience.
Sitting on the stoop watching the stars. The sky is illuminated with pin points of twinkles with little interference from the city lights. The brilliance is amazing and the depth of the darkness interrupted creates the perfect balance for pondering of dragons and quests.
I watch Ittie and I am thankful for the opportunities that this extended break gives her. The freedom to be 6 and vastness to exercise that energy and imagination. Ittie has the opportunity of shows and plays with papa, time with her great aunt, horse camp, and the general day to day discovery, growth, courage and balance. Ittie has the opportunity of childhood memories.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Eating Air and othe glorious ponderings..
"Mom"
Yes Ittie
"mom"
Yes Ittie
MOMMMMmmmmm
YES ITTIE..
My Tooth is loose .. look.. "she wiggles the front tooth bag and forth proudly"
Can I eat an apple, Will the tooth fairy be able to find my tooth if it got stuck in the apple and we threw it away.
Yes Ittie we would get it out of the apple before we threw it away.
Well .. The tooth fairy has magic and would find the tooth Ittie..
"Would I get money for it"
Yes Ittie the tooth fairy is in charge of tooth collection and she pays for any tooth.
"What if a dog ate the apple before we got the tooth out of it and it was in the dogs belly."
(note refrain from going through where the tooth will come out of)
Harriet pipes in at my ponderment of dog digestion and says.. The tooth fairy's magic wand brings the tooth up and out of the dogs tummy through the mouth while the dog sleeps so she would still get it..
(Thank God for Harriet because all I had was well she will do what mommy has had to do when the dog has eaten other valuables wait on nature .. all things pass)
Ittie goes back to waggling the tooth..
later at friends house>
"Diane look my tooth is loose"
We have some string and a doorknob.. wrap it around there all said with a smirk..
Avery looks at Diane suspiciously moves to the other side of the counter just for good measure.. "no" waggle waggle waggle with the tooth.. But look it wiggles.
"Do you have and apple" "mom'
Yes Ittie
"mom"
Yes Ittie
"Mommmmmm"
Yes Itttttttieeeeee
"When I have no teeth will I be able to eat"
(no teeth is she talking in senior citizen years.. nah.. OK>>> um how to answer)
Ittie your teeth aren't going to all fall out at once.. Some will fall out as others are growing in.
"MOm"
Yes Ittie..
"So when I have no teeth it will be hard to eat apples.. "
(OK well that one didn't work.. I look over to see her making the lips over teeth "gum face" smacking them together and making verbal like sounds.. trying to figure out what it will be like.. Yep she's lost in this ponder for a bit)
Yep Ittie you will have to eat it as Apple Sauce.
"HMMM"
Mom..
Yes Ittie
Mom
Yes Ittie.
MOm
Ittie..
If the ground caved into a big hole and the train with people crashed into it.. and no one was hurt but they lived underground and never came back up..
(What has she been watching at her fathers!! ) OK Ittie??
Except to eat catch and eat people .. and if it was for real not fake what would you think..
(WHAAAT.. channel calmness..) Well Ittie I would be happy that everyone was initially safe from the wreck but would find it gross and hope that they would stop eating people.
"OH.. What if they grabbed me and took me in the hole.."
That's easy Ittie I would have to dive down in the hole.. fight them and get you to safety because I am a mama bear and will protect you..grrrr (since we are talking about reality here)
<Ittie smiles>< yep that was what we were going for >
"AHHHHHHHH...."
What are you doing Ittie
"Eating Air.. .... AHHHH... It's good you should try it.. AHHHHH"
<two different >AHHHHH .. Yep Ittie this is Pretty good air.
This is my life right now.. an imaginative world full of adventure. Secret questions of safety and worth built into stories.
The world around me has become big again as clouds become the shapes of creatures named and in the imagination. Stories waiting to be told. The Pond on the farm I hear has a big sea creature sometimes nice sometimes not. Avery seems to be the only one who has spotted it so far.
There are wood sprites and water fairies. Angels and monsters. Wee People and giants. Magic and sparkles. Pirates and Mermaids. .. All in the land of the Mighty Pink Princess.
This brief moment in our journey is a glorious one..I bathe in it's energy and challenge of the ordinary.
Grit it's whats for dinner..
"Ittie it's not just about you, it is about everyone that is in this house" a phrase heard from time to time. When the I wants and why can't I have and but that's not fair... pop up.
I grew up believing in statements like provide opportunity for all, protect the weak, go for the WIN WIN, be a humble winner and a noble looser. Bullying and my or the highway isn't OK. Everyone has a voice. Don't go for what is popular.. go for what is right.
I am raising Ittie with the same sayings same ideals because I believe they show integrity and grit. I don't believe that these attributes come from "my way or the highway".. "We need people that make hard decisions". I believe the latter are cliches, slogans for the "tough guys" but not grit. Grit is sitting down in the muck and figuring out how to rescue everyone. Grit is leave no man behind. Be him Muslim, Christian, Jew,Hindi, straight, gay, black, red, yellow, white.. etc.. Grit is weighing down and going against the tantruming force that says I want it this way.. I have to have it this way and pulls for a process that brings people together.
Grit is being an individual that understands the world before them, the country, state, county, city, township they live in is more diverse and full of life and difference then they can every understand and that through this diversity comes growth, discussion.. movement and humbling themselves to that.
I want to teach Ittie to have grit.. The stay in the saddle, get dust on your jeans, work hard, enjoy the sun. Hang in there..Use your head, know when to hold them, know when to fold them (thank you Kenny Rogers, Gambler) type of Grit..
So why is this so important such a hot topic in my mind. I find myself ever increasingly thinking about the actions I and my fellow citizens take today and how it will impact not just the next year or four but the next 20-60. I have a walking investment. A beating.. breathing, imaginative walking investment in this world. Actually I have one directly and the other 5 my brother and sisters did the hard part. The current rhetoric that they are hearing and exposed to: The Attitude of Might is right, Me first.. Quick solutions to long term problems that will take some time to fix are being address with non answers, or red herrings.
It's everywhere, "Educated Liberal" so are we saying education is a bad thing, that gaining knowledge and learning to discuss makes you liberal. I just thought that education broadened my perspective, helped me problem solve with creative solutions.. "We need to stop the bi-partisanship" AKA stop working with the people on the other side. We need people who can make tough decisions. While I absolutely agree with this. I believe it has been misconstrued as if to say its tough to do it my way..verses the flip side of this belief must be its the easy that it is to sit down with a person or group of people with all different ideas and work to come up with a good solution that isn't group think" Which one do you think is harder.
Ittie hears these slogans, bumper sticker sayings on the air waves, TV, from adults around us or her little friends mimicking what they hear from their family and she asks and or repeats what is said. "mama.. why does he have a tough decision" We a family value.. At I sit and think about the future for her ... my family .. what the elections hold for direction of truly making a difference in our society. I want thinkers and negotiators .. I want mom in office that cut coupons and can run a household budget on nickels and dimes but still understand how important it is for music, art education, play to be part of life. I want Avery to have a world that the basis to life is protected. The slogan's i would like to here.. JUST because we can .. Doesn't mean we should. Personal commitments to work together to resolve big issues. I want people with grit that will work hard, stay in the saddle.. I want dusty hard work..
This is not be picking a side of Republican, Libertarian, Democrat.. I believe extremism within any group is scary.. They offer quick easy solutions that work for sometime but lets look at the outcomes: Marxism that became (Stalanism and Lennonism), Nazi's, al-Qaeda, Kach, Kahane Chai, the Taliban. All began as a belief and discussion as solutions to issues. Strict solutions for unjust, hard economic times. They promised fixes, order, a certain level of safety and a greater society. They all blame other groups for the problems in society verses looking at themselves, and the diversity around them and working for the harder solutions. They all were my way or the highway.
When I think about grit.. Ihave the traditional image of the Lawman who would stand alone at first to the "outlaws'. He didn't want to be there. He could have road away but someone needed to stand up against tyranny for everyone. There he is . in the dusty street, leathery skin.. shadow of his hat over his eyes, duster flapping in the wind and his hands ready for action.. flexing.. Grit.
I also think of Movies like Family Stone, Dead Poets Society, Eat Pray Love, Under the Tuscan Sun, Finding Forrester, Good Will Hunting. The character's in these movies have grit. They are not flawless but they have courage to stand, to make change.. to move and teach us something in their wake. They have grit to face life and make a change to themselves to others.
While the character's may be fictional in the movies the values and lessons are not. Nor is the ideal or what we can aspire to. The real life gritty characters are even more astounding including a few off the top of my head: Queen Elizabeth 1, Martin Luther King, Ghandi, Victoria Woodhull, Aung San Suu Kyi, Jeannette Rankin, Colin Powell and many more.
I head into this election with Ittie in hand, voting for people hoping to continue to employ smart decisive and cooperative public servants. My daughter looks to me to keep her world secure, safe, creative and free and diverse. Tonight at my house as we listen to the news and discuss politics and attitudes in society, we will be having Grit for dinner.. What are you having at yours.
I grew up believing in statements like provide opportunity for all, protect the weak, go for the WIN WIN, be a humble winner and a noble looser. Bullying and my or the highway isn't OK. Everyone has a voice. Don't go for what is popular.. go for what is right.
I am raising Ittie with the same sayings same ideals because I believe they show integrity and grit. I don't believe that these attributes come from "my way or the highway".. "We need people that make hard decisions". I believe the latter are cliches, slogans for the "tough guys" but not grit. Grit is sitting down in the muck and figuring out how to rescue everyone. Grit is leave no man behind. Be him Muslim, Christian, Jew,Hindi, straight, gay, black, red, yellow, white.. etc.. Grit is weighing down and going against the tantruming force that says I want it this way.. I have to have it this way and pulls for a process that brings people together.
Grit is being an individual that understands the world before them, the country, state, county, city, township they live in is more diverse and full of life and difference then they can every understand and that through this diversity comes growth, discussion.. movement and humbling themselves to that.
I want to teach Ittie to have grit.. The stay in the saddle, get dust on your jeans, work hard, enjoy the sun. Hang in there..Use your head, know when to hold them, know when to fold them (thank you Kenny Rogers, Gambler) type of Grit..
So why is this so important such a hot topic in my mind. I find myself ever increasingly thinking about the actions I and my fellow citizens take today and how it will impact not just the next year or four but the next 20-60. I have a walking investment. A beating.. breathing, imaginative walking investment in this world. Actually I have one directly and the other 5 my brother and sisters did the hard part. The current rhetoric that they are hearing and exposed to: The Attitude of Might is right, Me first.. Quick solutions to long term problems that will take some time to fix are being address with non answers, or red herrings.
It's everywhere, "Educated Liberal" so are we saying education is a bad thing, that gaining knowledge and learning to discuss makes you liberal. I just thought that education broadened my perspective, helped me problem solve with creative solutions.. "We need to stop the bi-partisanship" AKA stop working with the people on the other side. We need people who can make tough decisions. While I absolutely agree with this. I believe it has been misconstrued as if to say its tough to do it my way..verses the flip side of this belief must be its the easy that it is to sit down with a person or group of people with all different ideas and work to come up with a good solution that isn't group think" Which one do you think is harder.
Ittie hears these slogans, bumper sticker sayings on the air waves, TV, from adults around us or her little friends mimicking what they hear from their family and she asks and or repeats what is said. "mama.. why does he have a tough decision" We a family value.. At I sit and think about the future for her ... my family .. what the elections hold for direction of truly making a difference in our society. I want thinkers and negotiators .. I want mom in office that cut coupons and can run a household budget on nickels and dimes but still understand how important it is for music, art education, play to be part of life. I want Avery to have a world that the basis to life is protected. The slogan's i would like to here.. JUST because we can .. Doesn't mean we should. Personal commitments to work together to resolve big issues. I want people with grit that will work hard, stay in the saddle.. I want dusty hard work..
This is not be picking a side of Republican, Libertarian, Democrat.. I believe extremism within any group is scary.. They offer quick easy solutions that work for sometime but lets look at the outcomes: Marxism that became (Stalanism and Lennonism), Nazi's, al-Qaeda, Kach, Kahane Chai, the Taliban. All began as a belief and discussion as solutions to issues. Strict solutions for unjust, hard economic times. They promised fixes, order, a certain level of safety and a greater society. They all blame other groups for the problems in society verses looking at themselves, and the diversity around them and working for the harder solutions. They all were my way or the highway.
When I think about grit.. Ihave the traditional image of the Lawman who would stand alone at first to the "outlaws'. He didn't want to be there. He could have road away but someone needed to stand up against tyranny for everyone. There he is . in the dusty street, leathery skin.. shadow of his hat over his eyes, duster flapping in the wind and his hands ready for action.. flexing.. Grit.
I also think of Movies like Family Stone, Dead Poets Society, Eat Pray Love, Under the Tuscan Sun, Finding Forrester, Good Will Hunting. The character's in these movies have grit. They are not flawless but they have courage to stand, to make change.. to move and teach us something in their wake. They have grit to face life and make a change to themselves to others.
While the character's may be fictional in the movies the values and lessons are not. Nor is the ideal or what we can aspire to. The real life gritty characters are even more astounding including a few off the top of my head: Queen Elizabeth 1, Martin Luther King, Ghandi, Victoria Woodhull, Aung San Suu Kyi, Jeannette Rankin, Colin Powell and many more.
I head into this election with Ittie in hand, voting for people hoping to continue to employ smart decisive and cooperative public servants. My daughter looks to me to keep her world secure, safe, creative and free and diverse. Tonight at my house as we listen to the news and discuss politics and attitudes in society, we will be having Grit for dinner.. What are you having at yours.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Ignore a beautiful option
.....................<insert ring tone>....I reach over look and slide my finger from right to left.. IGNORE.. Yes really I did just ignore the call. Yes I may have ignored your call.. let me explain..
My current world. Emails, pages, phone calls, IM's, txts all day.. And now I live in a world that after work the prevailing belief is that if the phone beeps, toots, plays some melodic tone, vibrates, I need to pick it up. I must respond because whomever is sending me this message is so important that they need an immediate confirmation of receipt.. of their value .. of I have no idea.
I am from the days of rotary phones, long phone cords that gave you the privacy of talking in the stairwell when you were trying to have that private conversation with your friend. This was after you waited for the other family member to get off the phone. From the days when I heard stay off the phone I am expecting a call from your "grandmother" in the next hour. And you agonized as you waited for the hour to tick by.
The days that a busy signal meant something.. If someone didn't answer your call most likely they were doing something: dinner, being outside, hanging with friends or family.
Not that I want to return to rotary party lines and waiting on my daughter to get off the phone and the long distance bills of old.. I like my smart phone and I enjoy the convienance of it. However
Now we answer the phone during dinner, during the middle of a conversation with the person that we are actually having a face to face discord. We text while interacting with others. Courtesy and priority of who is in front of us has left the building in the need for instantaneous response. Have I done these very same things.. absolutely. Do I like myself for practicing this habit absolutely not.
I find it funny when I walk in a Doctor's office and there are now signs posted for you to put away your cell phone while you are meeting with the physician. REALLY we need a sign to remind us that our full attention should be given while consulting about our individual health???
Harriet and I are instituting a new rule at the dinner table. No CELL PHONES, no devices of any type. Yep its hard fast old fashion interaction for us and our younglings. Maybe we will even figure out the art of conversation again. Care about each other's day. Feel vested.
IGNORE is a beautiful thing. And if I ignore your call its not truly about you and your value to me. It's about valuing myself, my time and remembering there was a day when we couldn't always immediately get each other. We had to be creative. We had to learn to be OK in our silence, our alone space. It is about teaching Avery valuable lessons about boundaries, space, and silence, uninterrupted time together.
I am learning to value Silence.. I am learning to value attentiveness. More so today then anytime before. I am learning to value myself, my kid and my family and in that delayed gratification.
Yep delayed gratification aka impulse control.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deferred_gratification
Impulse Control helps us learn to wait, be patient, have realistic expectations of results. Helps us with our emotional responses control of our behavior. It lays a great foundation for how we interact in society. It helps us succeed, try again.. develop patience understand long term gains for work and effort and the continual need to perform.
http://www.timelessinformation.com/instant-vs-delayed-gratification/
With impulse control now couple that with silence: Silence is needed its a beautiful thing. It clears our minds. Allows me to focus. Listen truly listen be empathetic. Hear myself, hear my daughter, my partner come up with long term solutions that are creative and hopefully a win win for everyone involved. But the noise the immediate answering causes me to give short answers, bumper sticker thoughts. Quick answers to alleviate the stress the tensions of the demanding noise. I feel like my head becomes one big cliche, a front without much meaning. But the silence of the phone, the radio turned down or off gives such freedom.
In the end its about balance.. when to answer and when to not answer. It's about knowing with whom you are trying to communicate. It's getting some perspective and recognition that not all calls, texts, emails need an immediate answer. It's respecting that the individual we are trying to reach; well.. Has a life. It's understanding just because we can doesn't mean we should.
_____<ring tone> __ which way to slide my thumb.. right or left.. where am I .. who am I with. Who is calling? I'll call back. This moment I am enjoying for what it is.. this moment. Swish to the left.. Ignore .. a beautiful thing.
My current world. Emails, pages, phone calls, IM's, txts all day.. And now I live in a world that after work the prevailing belief is that if the phone beeps, toots, plays some melodic tone, vibrates, I need to pick it up. I must respond because whomever is sending me this message is so important that they need an immediate confirmation of receipt.. of their value .. of I have no idea.
I am from the days of rotary phones, long phone cords that gave you the privacy of talking in the stairwell when you were trying to have that private conversation with your friend. This was after you waited for the other family member to get off the phone. From the days when I heard stay off the phone I am expecting a call from your "grandmother" in the next hour. And you agonized as you waited for the hour to tick by.
The days that a busy signal meant something.. If someone didn't answer your call most likely they were doing something: dinner, being outside, hanging with friends or family.
Not that I want to return to rotary party lines and waiting on my daughter to get off the phone and the long distance bills of old.. I like my smart phone and I enjoy the convienance of it. However
Now we answer the phone during dinner, during the middle of a conversation with the person that we are actually having a face to face discord. We text while interacting with others. Courtesy and priority of who is in front of us has left the building in the need for instantaneous response. Have I done these very same things.. absolutely. Do I like myself for practicing this habit absolutely not.
I find it funny when I walk in a Doctor's office and there are now signs posted for you to put away your cell phone while you are meeting with the physician. REALLY we need a sign to remind us that our full attention should be given while consulting about our individual health???
Harriet and I are instituting a new rule at the dinner table. No CELL PHONES, no devices of any type. Yep its hard fast old fashion interaction for us and our younglings. Maybe we will even figure out the art of conversation again. Care about each other's day. Feel vested.
IGNORE is a beautiful thing. And if I ignore your call its not truly about you and your value to me. It's about valuing myself, my time and remembering there was a day when we couldn't always immediately get each other. We had to be creative. We had to learn to be OK in our silence, our alone space. It is about teaching Avery valuable lessons about boundaries, space, and silence, uninterrupted time together.
I am learning to value Silence.. I am learning to value attentiveness. More so today then anytime before. I am learning to value myself, my kid and my family and in that delayed gratification.
Yep delayed gratification aka impulse control.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deferred_gratification
Impulse Control helps us learn to wait, be patient, have realistic expectations of results. Helps us with our emotional responses control of our behavior. It lays a great foundation for how we interact in society. It helps us succeed, try again.. develop patience understand long term gains for work and effort and the continual need to perform.
http://www.timelessinformation.com/instant-vs-delayed-gratification/
With impulse control now couple that with silence: Silence is needed its a beautiful thing. It clears our minds. Allows me to focus. Listen truly listen be empathetic. Hear myself, hear my daughter, my partner come up with long term solutions that are creative and hopefully a win win for everyone involved. But the noise the immediate answering causes me to give short answers, bumper sticker thoughts. Quick answers to alleviate the stress the tensions of the demanding noise. I feel like my head becomes one big cliche, a front without much meaning. But the silence of the phone, the radio turned down or off gives such freedom.
In the end its about balance.. when to answer and when to not answer. It's about knowing with whom you are trying to communicate. It's getting some perspective and recognition that not all calls, texts, emails need an immediate answer. It's respecting that the individual we are trying to reach; well.. Has a life. It's understanding just because we can doesn't mean we should.
_____<ring tone> __ which way to slide my thumb.. right or left.. where am I .. who am I with. Who is calling? I'll call back. This moment I am enjoying for what it is.. this moment. Swish to the left.. Ignore .. a beautiful thing.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Perfect Spring Day
Quack Quack Quack... waddle waddle waddle..goes our flock of 12 ducklings and two geese.. They go up the ramp.. into the pink princes kiddie pool.. Quack Quack.. A puppy pops up to herd them then moves on.. the junior goose pops out nips the pup on the rump..just for good measure.
"Mamma ...come look.. come look.. Two have their eyes open.. Mamma" OK Ittie.. now don't handle them to much Bit.. they need to stay with their mom. "Mamma.. Flower is a good mommy isn't she" Yes Ittie she takes good care of her kittens. "Mammma" yes Ittie. "did you have to help her have the kittens and did they come out of......" No she had them on her own. and yes they did come out of prep yourself to say it to the 6 year old Flower's Vagina. "ok.. if one would have got stuck would you have helped her" Yes Ittie I would have done my best to help her.. ick oo ick.. oh god thank god that didn't happen.. Ittie is happy with this answer and continues with struggling not to pick up the week old kittens.
I look over her and she quickly lowers her hands back into the box.. Ittie.. "yes Mamma" I move on point made.
It's a beautiful Sunday.. It's unusually hot for May.. Beautiful glass blue sky..Avery is dressed in her finest pink bathing suit and is running through the sprinkler. Grass is green and there is a small rainbow in the midst of the spray.. "oo Mama rainbow" It's all yours to run through bit.. try to catch it" I believe she has picked up each puppy and ran through it with them. The terrier and Bichon are looking like drenched rats but come back for more and tolerate the rough handling that goes with the giggling and love.
My heart lightens to the squeals of delight that comes from Ittie petting the ducks, playing with the pups in the nossil turned upside down= sprinkler for the day. She runs to her swing, then the slide.. its a blur of pink and skin..
I walk around the property doing chores taking breaks from the heat..Stopping . listening Hearing the melody of Quack Quack Quack.. EEEEEEE from Ittie and a bark of a pup here and there..
Harriet and I look around at our mess that is our yard and garage. The projects in transition..the set up from projects to come.. The remnants of the move and the destruction of things that were left for fodder when life challenged us with the struggle for life itself and not physical things. We wonder both out loud and silently will we ever get this under control...
Quackkkkk.. Ittie.. don't chase the ducks.. "OK Mama.. Ok Harriet" Pink Blur..Giggle.. She's moved on .. Note.. bath tonight
There is happiness in the air. It's infectious.. As we pick up and move things.. Go over strategies for the duck/ chicken and turkey housing.. The little song from the smaller younger beings that inhabit this space around us infects our faces. We can't help but smile.
This is my life.. chores and fun.. Earth, Water, Wind,, Fire in a pit or the heat from the blazing ball in the sky. Life .. and its delicate balance and the appreciation of the moment in which I live. It's knowing that I am exactly where I am meant to be.. living exactly the life I am meant to be living with the perfect group of beings with whom I am meant to share this adventure.
Yes its a perfect spring day.
"Mamma ...come look.. come look.. Two have their eyes open.. Mamma" OK Ittie.. now don't handle them to much Bit.. they need to stay with their mom. "Mamma.. Flower is a good mommy isn't she" Yes Ittie she takes good care of her kittens. "Mammma" yes Ittie. "did you have to help her have the kittens and did they come out of......" No she had them on her own. and yes they did come out of prep yourself to say it to the 6 year old Flower's Vagina. "ok.. if one would have got stuck would you have helped her" Yes Ittie I would have done my best to help her.. ick oo ick.. oh god thank god that didn't happen.. Ittie is happy with this answer and continues with struggling not to pick up the week old kittens.
I look over her and she quickly lowers her hands back into the box.. Ittie.. "yes Mamma" I move on point made.
It's a beautiful Sunday.. It's unusually hot for May.. Beautiful glass blue sky..Avery is dressed in her finest pink bathing suit and is running through the sprinkler. Grass is green and there is a small rainbow in the midst of the spray.. "oo Mama rainbow" It's all yours to run through bit.. try to catch it" I believe she has picked up each puppy and ran through it with them. The terrier and Bichon are looking like drenched rats but come back for more and tolerate the rough handling that goes with the giggling and love.
My heart lightens to the squeals of delight that comes from Ittie petting the ducks, playing with the pups in the nossil turned upside down= sprinkler for the day. She runs to her swing, then the slide.. its a blur of pink and skin..
I walk around the property doing chores taking breaks from the heat..Stopping . listening Hearing the melody of Quack Quack Quack.. EEEEEEE from Ittie and a bark of a pup here and there..
Harriet and I look around at our mess that is our yard and garage. The projects in transition..the set up from projects to come.. The remnants of the move and the destruction of things that were left for fodder when life challenged us with the struggle for life itself and not physical things. We wonder both out loud and silently will we ever get this under control...
Quackkkkk.. Ittie.. don't chase the ducks.. "OK Mama.. Ok Harriet" Pink Blur..Giggle.. She's moved on .. Note.. bath tonight
There is happiness in the air. It's infectious.. As we pick up and move things.. Go over strategies for the duck/ chicken and turkey housing.. The little song from the smaller younger beings that inhabit this space around us infects our faces. We can't help but smile.
This is my life.. chores and fun.. Earth, Water, Wind,, Fire in a pit or the heat from the blazing ball in the sky. Life .. and its delicate balance and the appreciation of the moment in which I live. It's knowing that I am exactly where I am meant to be.. living exactly the life I am meant to be living with the perfect group of beings with whom I am meant to share this adventure.
Yes its a perfect spring day.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Ittie.. how is a little girl so wise..
Let me first say this is a long held belief.. Adults complicate the world way to much with justifications, fear, need to be right.. Specific Rules instead of things Like MOP.. (do no harm to myself, others or property.)
What I have learned from Avery it's simple really. The poster that use to be popular about all I need to know I learned in Kindergarten. I thought it was brilliant and true the first time I read it. Today I wish as adults we could use it as our running guide to life.
Lesson one be nice:
Harriet and I were discussing recent news about OBAMA's support for gay marriage, North Carolina's ban, and just the state of opinion. Avery had heard some of the news, and our discussion and asked. Mama when are you and Harriet going to get married.
Now I stopped .. and thought.. How do I explain that there are people in this world because of their religious convictions believe that Harriet and I are lessor. How do I explain that this affects the balance of church and state. How do I inform her that even though we pay taxes, own property, go to work, support our local school, give to charity, and raise her with some traditional values. There are som e that don't believe we are their equal..
My phrasing was something like this.. "Ittie there are people that have stated that Harriet and I don't have the right to marry." Her inquisitive mind instantly said "why". Well Ittie there are people that believe Harriet and I are wrong once again.. WHY.. because they believe that by being two women that are together like your Daddy and Deborah we are sinning.
Avery pauses.. she thinks. "but you love each other". Yes Ittie we do.." but your nice..and happy" Yes Ittie we are and we do our best to be. Avery thinks more.
"Is the government telling you you can't be married?" Well in this state yes but the people of the state inform the government. In other states like where Aunt Jess lives Harriet and I can marry. Avery looks perplexed.
Avery says "maybe you should talk to them".. Who baby.. Avery: "mama the people and the government.. you should talk to them." Oh sweetheart.. I have written my congressman, and signed petitions. I and many other's have talked and are talking to the government.
Avery chimes in "Maybe I should You and Harriet are nice and I love you... "
My heart beams with pride. Not for the ideal that Avery is standing up for the right to Marry. But that she sees something that she disagrees with and feels that she should speak to someone about it to make it right. It's courageous. It's thoughtful and I am so proud.
We love you too Ittie.
Really when it comes down to it.. It's that simple isn't it. If she gets it in kindergarten the straight forwardness of love, equality. That people can have different beliefs and celebrations of God but that rights go to all.. Why can't we as adults? I am perplexed by the very same issues as Avery.
What I have learned from Avery it's simple really. The poster that use to be popular about all I need to know I learned in Kindergarten. I thought it was brilliant and true the first time I read it. Today I wish as adults we could use it as our running guide to life.
Lesson one be nice:
Harriet and I were discussing recent news about OBAMA's support for gay marriage, North Carolina's ban, and just the state of opinion. Avery had heard some of the news, and our discussion and asked. Mama when are you and Harriet going to get married.
Now I stopped .. and thought.. How do I explain that there are people in this world because of their religious convictions believe that Harriet and I are lessor. How do I explain that this affects the balance of church and state. How do I inform her that even though we pay taxes, own property, go to work, support our local school, give to charity, and raise her with some traditional values. There are som e that don't believe we are their equal..
My phrasing was something like this.. "Ittie there are people that have stated that Harriet and I don't have the right to marry." Her inquisitive mind instantly said "why". Well Ittie there are people that believe Harriet and I are wrong once again.. WHY.. because they believe that by being two women that are together like your Daddy and Deborah we are sinning.
Avery pauses.. she thinks. "but you love each other". Yes Ittie we do.." but your nice..and happy" Yes Ittie we are and we do our best to be. Avery thinks more.
"Is the government telling you you can't be married?" Well in this state yes but the people of the state inform the government. In other states like where Aunt Jess lives Harriet and I can marry. Avery looks perplexed.
Avery says "maybe you should talk to them".. Who baby.. Avery: "mama the people and the government.. you should talk to them." Oh sweetheart.. I have written my congressman, and signed petitions. I and many other's have talked and are talking to the government.
Avery chimes in "Maybe I should You and Harriet are nice and I love you... "
My heart beams with pride. Not for the ideal that Avery is standing up for the right to Marry. But that she sees something that she disagrees with and feels that she should speak to someone about it to make it right. It's courageous. It's thoughtful and I am so proud.
We love you too Ittie.
Really when it comes down to it.. It's that simple isn't it. If she gets it in kindergarten the straight forwardness of love, equality. That people can have different beliefs and celebrations of God but that rights go to all.. Why can't we as adults? I am perplexed by the very same issues as Avery.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Just not Having what it Takes.
In my childhood I remember one of the hardest moments for both myself and Mrs. Rhul was the moment I was cut from the Middle School Volleyball Team. I played basketball, softball, took golf lessons, swam at the local quarry, ran middle school track (hurdles and relay), belonged to the bowling league on Saturday mornings.. I was a little jockette.. Sport I loved it.. Gym was one of my favorite activities in Middle school (except for the interpretive dance and tumbling).
So here we stood in the hallway that I used to get to the stage for band practice.. the big age of 12. My mentor, 6th grade basketball coach standing before. Binney.. I .. (she stammered a bit) I have to cut you from the team. We both teared up a bit. I was the only girl being cut. My coordination and skills weren't there. I would have made the team weaker, and I knew it. But still rejection.. failure.. especially when coming from someone you respect and admire so much is hard.
Mrs. Rhul though had another opportunity for me.. Manager. I could be part of the team. Just in supporting role, not on the floor. I asked her if I could think about it. Next day I accepted the offer. One which taught me alot about being behind the scenes, statistics, basic first aid, and responsibility. Out of the failure and the grace of acceptance I found other opportunity. This opportunity lead to a position as Manager with the High school team and networked me in as a freshman. Again before my first day of high school I already knew upper class men, and a couple teachers.
The way Mrs. Rhul handled it was truly amazing.. Full of compassion, grace and truth. I respected her that day more then before and still carry a high level of respect 25 years later.
I wonder what has happened that we try to shelter our children from this type of valuable lesson. And on the flip side that when delivering such sensitive hard news we have turned to .. just rip the band aid off quick, so no pain. It has become about the process not the emotion or heart. Because the lesson I learned from Mrs. Rhul was about both sides of the coin. Not only about sometimes the grace and opportunity of failure or just not having what it takes.. but also about letting someone know that maybe this isn't the best fit..
H and I were talking about children sports and were we bad mom's as we agonized at the length of the game that went on and watching the kids struggle. How a walk around the bases was rewarded like a home run. That at the end of the season all the kids got trophies.. Not just the first and second place teams. Are we awful parents in the fact that we believe this is setting the kids up for false expectations in life. When I walked I was told good eye.. when I was walked home.. it was not treated like as if I had stolen second or beat the throw. There was a difference.. Yes I was told good job, a pat on the back for doing what was expected.. But the extra-ordinary was rewarded with a scruff on the head.. high fives..
Sport and play for children are to prepare them for life. These activities are suppose to help them learn lessons that they can apply later in life. What are we teaching when we don't allow them to fail? The flip side: What happens when we encourage them to congratulate others on their successes? We teach them that often in life success and failure depend on that balance of power, grace, heart, skill and teamwork.
When they succeed. Do they do it with the humility knowing that many have contributed to their success. Or do they rub it in the face of the "losers". I wonder when watching college and pro sports as players stand over other players in a warrior like stance. Did they ever have a Mrs. Rhul. Did they have a Mr. Hubenthaul that demanded 100 percent effort and heart. A Bilskie who laughed with us but pushed us to be great players and good women. All of these coaches allowed the feeling of success but also demanded respect for the other team and the effort that they put forth in the game. Where are these lessons today.. What are we setting our children up for by giving everyone the trophy.
I am OK with Avery not getting a medal. She doesn't need a trinket at the end of sport. She has the tshirt. She also has me saying you did a great job Ittie.. Or It whats up tonight .. just not into it.. because your team needs you to be here.. The lesson sometimes its about more then just you.. its about how you affect others.
I use sport and play as a reference for this.. However, I had many adults in my childhood that pushed these lessons. My teachers were truly that.. teachers not just of the subject that they were 'experts" in but in life. They pushed me when they knew I was sluffing and worked with me when I didn't get it. I was rewarded with good work when I applied myself and just a grade when I did the expected.
Maybe I am just lamenting about the good ole days.. But I believe there is some value in the essence of letting children safely fall. We as adults deal with alot of grief. Lots of bumps and bruises. Why not do our kids a favor and help them get through it verses protecting them from it.
OK Ittie.. lets get ready to get that ribbon in 4 H.. or not.. either way there is a lesson in for both of us.
So here we stood in the hallway that I used to get to the stage for band practice.. the big age of 12. My mentor, 6th grade basketball coach standing before. Binney.. I .. (she stammered a bit) I have to cut you from the team. We both teared up a bit. I was the only girl being cut. My coordination and skills weren't there. I would have made the team weaker, and I knew it. But still rejection.. failure.. especially when coming from someone you respect and admire so much is hard.
Mrs. Rhul though had another opportunity for me.. Manager. I could be part of the team. Just in supporting role, not on the floor. I asked her if I could think about it. Next day I accepted the offer. One which taught me alot about being behind the scenes, statistics, basic first aid, and responsibility. Out of the failure and the grace of acceptance I found other opportunity. This opportunity lead to a position as Manager with the High school team and networked me in as a freshman. Again before my first day of high school I already knew upper class men, and a couple teachers.
The way Mrs. Rhul handled it was truly amazing.. Full of compassion, grace and truth. I respected her that day more then before and still carry a high level of respect 25 years later.
I wonder what has happened that we try to shelter our children from this type of valuable lesson. And on the flip side that when delivering such sensitive hard news we have turned to .. just rip the band aid off quick, so no pain. It has become about the process not the emotion or heart. Because the lesson I learned from Mrs. Rhul was about both sides of the coin. Not only about sometimes the grace and opportunity of failure or just not having what it takes.. but also about letting someone know that maybe this isn't the best fit..
H and I were talking about children sports and were we bad mom's as we agonized at the length of the game that went on and watching the kids struggle. How a walk around the bases was rewarded like a home run. That at the end of the season all the kids got trophies.. Not just the first and second place teams. Are we awful parents in the fact that we believe this is setting the kids up for false expectations in life. When I walked I was told good eye.. when I was walked home.. it was not treated like as if I had stolen second or beat the throw. There was a difference.. Yes I was told good job, a pat on the back for doing what was expected.. But the extra-ordinary was rewarded with a scruff on the head.. high fives..
Sport and play for children are to prepare them for life. These activities are suppose to help them learn lessons that they can apply later in life. What are we teaching when we don't allow them to fail? The flip side: What happens when we encourage them to congratulate others on their successes? We teach them that often in life success and failure depend on that balance of power, grace, heart, skill and teamwork.
When they succeed. Do they do it with the humility knowing that many have contributed to their success. Or do they rub it in the face of the "losers". I wonder when watching college and pro sports as players stand over other players in a warrior like stance. Did they ever have a Mrs. Rhul. Did they have a Mr. Hubenthaul that demanded 100 percent effort and heart. A Bilskie who laughed with us but pushed us to be great players and good women. All of these coaches allowed the feeling of success but also demanded respect for the other team and the effort that they put forth in the game. Where are these lessons today.. What are we setting our children up for by giving everyone the trophy.
I am OK with Avery not getting a medal. She doesn't need a trinket at the end of sport. She has the tshirt. She also has me saying you did a great job Ittie.. Or It whats up tonight .. just not into it.. because your team needs you to be here.. The lesson sometimes its about more then just you.. its about how you affect others.
I use sport and play as a reference for this.. However, I had many adults in my childhood that pushed these lessons. My teachers were truly that.. teachers not just of the subject that they were 'experts" in but in life. They pushed me when they knew I was sluffing and worked with me when I didn't get it. I was rewarded with good work when I applied myself and just a grade when I did the expected.
Maybe I am just lamenting about the good ole days.. But I believe there is some value in the essence of letting children safely fall. We as adults deal with alot of grief. Lots of bumps and bruises. Why not do our kids a favor and help them get through it verses protecting them from it.
OK Ittie.. lets get ready to get that ribbon in 4 H.. or not.. either way there is a lesson in for both of us.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Love .. what's so hard about it.. oh that..
There are hundreds of songs sang about, thousands of lines and quotes, studies and theories, hours spent mulling on do you have it, is it enough, how do you get it. I believe it is more valued then gold and some believe it is as fictitious as Fairy's and Leprechauns.
Love .. I believe Love is one of those essential feelings, acts, responsibilities, commitment, values and behaviors.. Yes Love is a combination of all of the above. It can turn our cheeks red, make our knees shake, our hearts quiver. The experience I have gained over the course of time the more I know that true love.. the essence of giving, and seeing those I care for happy is the Epiphany of all. The love = Joy.. It means a bit of healthy selflessness and respect.. Sometimes it means sharing in a burden, being strong, crying with or for... A firm hug that communicates I am here, you are valued and loved. A wink, a nod.. a smile.. Sometimes the silence when the retort in your head isn't what really should come out of your mouth.. Picking up and doing what you don't necessarily want to do but doing it because its the right thing to do... Love.. for those close .. for mankind .. for the earth.. Just love.
So while thinking about the ideal of love, I find myself frustrated today by the same issues that I finally left social work for, the same issues that drive me crazy on a daily basis and I try to be a better person internally.. But I find my self asking.. "Why does one person believe that he/she is so important but the person to the right or left isn't.. I ask this when I see a baby in the back of a seat with the parents puffing away in the front. I asked the same question when dogs are left in cars on 80 plus degree days. I ask this question when the woman the other night at Ittie's school carnival.pulled her hand away from Harriet in disgust as I introduced Harriet as my partner and the "utter mutter" (Avery and Harriet's phonetic nickname for Harriet).
My left side of my smile went up into the smirk that I swear I have had since the day I joined rest of the biped world. The mischievous I am now up to the challenge.. Really throw the low inside pitch.. I dare you.. but today it was for OK I saw that.. hmm how to handle this situation:
The four little girls were surrounding us after sacred "tickets" and trying to figure out which bouncy house to go into next. What should I do. Be upset.. nah..How I react to her says everything about me and nothing about her .. think... This woman was raised this way. She probably has heard, my child who is from a split home, how Harriet and I are the essence that is destroying the foundation of our country and wanted to rid herself of that taint as quickly as possible. I decided for it to be a passive educational opportunity. I start speaking to the grandmother about what an awesome opportunity the carnival is for meeting neighbors. How this is a great way to spend a fun evening in the community supporting the school. I talk about how much Ittie has wanted to see some of her friends here and it is so nice to meet up with her granddaughter who Avery has mentioned so many times.
The girls bounced through one course.. came back.. suddenly grandma had no more tickets.. ahh.. looks like they were going to have to walk away. "Girls we have some tickets.. here is 3 tickets for each of you". I continue to go with the positive about how nice the community is, .. more tickets given.. more conversation. Picture taken of all of the girls together.. Yes we went with tolerance and kindness in the face of rejection. We went with Love. Was it the easy path .. what do you think.. Love .. whats so hard about it.. OH ya that..
I have been reading some of the blogs from Single Dad Laughing. The man is eloquent in his writings and poignant in his delivery. I appreciate his look into issues and get back to the simple truths.. Love and True Happiness and that they can only exist together.
He discusses the difference in our society between two groups of people those that build within themselves trying to make themselves a better person. And those that see it as their job to make other people better. Religious and non religious.. I am right .. you are wrong. mentality vs tolerance, love and acceptance for who we are.
I find myself almost having a religious need to say amen brother to his writings. I find myself challenged to let go more..To be more understanding even of those who are not so understanding to me.
Isn't that it.. The idea of turning the other cheek.. Love.. It isn't about the other person. It is about love and how we, I as an individual see myself in this world.
Yes I still say things I shouldn't, the thoughts of anger seep from my lips. But I am trying. And when I am at a place that I feel "mean" I try to excuse myself aka go to time out.. to get centered again. I have unfortunately for myself and the people involved and close to me spent time dwelling for a couple years in a life that was based on quick reaction. Why I am right, you are wrong.. what you should do to better yourself. An angry judgemental.. bitter place.. It was easy to go there and it was toxic..
The reality is that 99% of the time the rebuttal, the anger, the grrr.. isn't needed nor helpful.
How I react, what I do says more about me then anyone else. And now it sets the example for Ittie on how to relate to the world. I would much rather leave her with the skills of tolerance, love, acceptance and understanding, humor. These skills will allow her to forgive, move, heal.. Have joy ..
This is the world I want for myself, for Ittie for Harriet, Sam and how I want to interact with those around me. Love ya.
Love .. I believe Love is one of those essential feelings, acts, responsibilities, commitment, values and behaviors.. Yes Love is a combination of all of the above. It can turn our cheeks red, make our knees shake, our hearts quiver. The experience I have gained over the course of time the more I know that true love.. the essence of giving, and seeing those I care for happy is the Epiphany of all. The love = Joy.. It means a bit of healthy selflessness and respect.. Sometimes it means sharing in a burden, being strong, crying with or for... A firm hug that communicates I am here, you are valued and loved. A wink, a nod.. a smile.. Sometimes the silence when the retort in your head isn't what really should come out of your mouth.. Picking up and doing what you don't necessarily want to do but doing it because its the right thing to do... Love.. for those close .. for mankind .. for the earth.. Just love.
So while thinking about the ideal of love, I find myself frustrated today by the same issues that I finally left social work for, the same issues that drive me crazy on a daily basis and I try to be a better person internally.. But I find my self asking.. "Why does one person believe that he/she is so important but the person to the right or left isn't.. I ask this when I see a baby in the back of a seat with the parents puffing away in the front. I asked the same question when dogs are left in cars on 80 plus degree days. I ask this question when the woman the other night at Ittie's school carnival.pulled her hand away from Harriet in disgust as I introduced Harriet as my partner and the "utter mutter" (Avery and Harriet's phonetic nickname for Harriet).
My left side of my smile went up into the smirk that I swear I have had since the day I joined rest of the biped world. The mischievous I am now up to the challenge.. Really throw the low inside pitch.. I dare you.. but today it was for OK I saw that.. hmm how to handle this situation:
The four little girls were surrounding us after sacred "tickets" and trying to figure out which bouncy house to go into next. What should I do. Be upset.. nah..How I react to her says everything about me and nothing about her .. think... This woman was raised this way. She probably has heard, my child who is from a split home, how Harriet and I are the essence that is destroying the foundation of our country and wanted to rid herself of that taint as quickly as possible. I decided for it to be a passive educational opportunity. I start speaking to the grandmother about what an awesome opportunity the carnival is for meeting neighbors. How this is a great way to spend a fun evening in the community supporting the school. I talk about how much Ittie has wanted to see some of her friends here and it is so nice to meet up with her granddaughter who Avery has mentioned so many times.
The girls bounced through one course.. came back.. suddenly grandma had no more tickets.. ahh.. looks like they were going to have to walk away. "Girls we have some tickets.. here is 3 tickets for each of you". I continue to go with the positive about how nice the community is, .. more tickets given.. more conversation. Picture taken of all of the girls together.. Yes we went with tolerance and kindness in the face of rejection. We went with Love. Was it the easy path .. what do you think.. Love .. whats so hard about it.. OH ya that..
I have been reading some of the blogs from Single Dad Laughing. The man is eloquent in his writings and poignant in his delivery. I appreciate his look into issues and get back to the simple truths.. Love and True Happiness and that they can only exist together.
He discusses the difference in our society between two groups of people those that build within themselves trying to make themselves a better person. And those that see it as their job to make other people better. Religious and non religious.. I am right .. you are wrong. mentality vs tolerance, love and acceptance for who we are.
I find myself almost having a religious need to say amen brother to his writings. I find myself challenged to let go more..To be more understanding even of those who are not so understanding to me.
Isn't that it.. The idea of turning the other cheek.. Love.. It isn't about the other person. It is about love and how we, I as an individual see myself in this world.
Yes I still say things I shouldn't, the thoughts of anger seep from my lips. But I am trying. And when I am at a place that I feel "mean" I try to excuse myself aka go to time out.. to get centered again. I have unfortunately for myself and the people involved and close to me spent time dwelling for a couple years in a life that was based on quick reaction. Why I am right, you are wrong.. what you should do to better yourself. An angry judgemental.. bitter place.. It was easy to go there and it was toxic..
The reality is that 99% of the time the rebuttal, the anger, the grrr.. isn't needed nor helpful.
How I react, what I do says more about me then anyone else. And now it sets the example for Ittie on how to relate to the world. I would much rather leave her with the skills of tolerance, love, acceptance and understanding, humor. These skills will allow her to forgive, move, heal.. Have joy ..
This is the world I want for myself, for Ittie for Harriet, Sam and how I want to interact with those around me. Love ya.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Mingling Essence and the Passage of Cupcake.
Cupcake the gosling died today. We haven't had cupcake long. She was the tag along side kick to the ducks and the other goose Banana. They are currently residing in a water tank with heat lamp in the garage.
The loss of cupcake hurts as does the loss of the other 4 ducklings and 6 turkey chicks that the cold snap has caused. It's an interesting hard painful lesson for everyone involved.
Avery is sad when finding a dead chick. She wants to hold the dead bird as if willing it back to life. Ittie pets the lifeless body in her hands. It is hard to watch but I let it happen; I understand. I held four of the dying birds in my hands as they struggled and passed on. She asks if we can bury it like we did her hamster. It is a moment of reality .. a moment of innocence and a moment of dignity that my daughter wants to give to this life that is lost.
My answer is" baby we can not bury every animal that is going to die on this farm". So she gets a rock and then asks me to write the word DUCK on it.. "mama so we will have something to remember it by"
Yes Ittie I will write Duck on the stone. I am going to need to find a bigger stone for cupcake. Cupcake was going to be a gray goose. Avery liked to pick the gosling up and hold cupcake close. Hmm.
I have another day before Avery returns home from her fathers to tell her that cupcake is with us no longer. Look at her face. She will feel sadness but she will be OK. That's the lesson in this isn't it. To have some loss, sadness and still be OK. To still enjoy Mac and Cheese and the licks of the waggly puppy that awaits her. To miss but to move forward and continue life. It's a lesson that will be revisited time and again through out the dealings with the farm and just in life.
Maybe this is that extra piece of wisdom the farm kids had that I didn't as a growing up city kid. There was something a bit more acceptance of life and earthiness. It was a sense of being. Now I understand a sense of stark reality. Perception changes when animals move from being revered in the wild, on the nature show or as the household pet to being an investment part of your livelihood.
We are walking a line between the hard cold view of just livestock and the reality of animals purpose. The ability to let go of the guilt of the loss of the life that we took the responsibility of nurturing and raising. The letting go that every one of these animals are not pets but keeping the ethics that all of the animals on the farm deserve a good, healthy, happy safe environment. Be it family friend or barnyard foul.
This is challenging my beliefs on life, purpose, souls. Ethics truly on animals. I see all sides of discussion. But in the end in the moment when my family and I look at the animals in our charge, it comes down to us to stay true to our vision of some self sufficiency and the "small farm" and balancing our love for animals and their life.
This philosophy as it evolves will surely challenge us and pull at our heart strings. This week has proven that. It shows the flip side to the romanticism of "life on the farm." Yet at the same time is the poetic balance.
We will continue to learn and I need to look for a good place for a rock garden that can have the words duck and Cupcake.. I believe I will plant some flowers there and put in a little pond. This seems like a decent tribute to the lives of the animals that will touch us for a moment or for years. Each passing on a bit of themselves, and in every way reminding us of the balance and the ability for joy, peace, sorrow, happiness to mingle together in the daily of our lives.
The loss of cupcake hurts as does the loss of the other 4 ducklings and 6 turkey chicks that the cold snap has caused. It's an interesting hard painful lesson for everyone involved.
Avery is sad when finding a dead chick. She wants to hold the dead bird as if willing it back to life. Ittie pets the lifeless body in her hands. It is hard to watch but I let it happen; I understand. I held four of the dying birds in my hands as they struggled and passed on. She asks if we can bury it like we did her hamster. It is a moment of reality .. a moment of innocence and a moment of dignity that my daughter wants to give to this life that is lost.
My answer is" baby we can not bury every animal that is going to die on this farm". So she gets a rock and then asks me to write the word DUCK on it.. "mama so we will have something to remember it by"
Yes Ittie I will write Duck on the stone. I am going to need to find a bigger stone for cupcake. Cupcake was going to be a gray goose. Avery liked to pick the gosling up and hold cupcake close. Hmm.
I have another day before Avery returns home from her fathers to tell her that cupcake is with us no longer. Look at her face. She will feel sadness but she will be OK. That's the lesson in this isn't it. To have some loss, sadness and still be OK. To still enjoy Mac and Cheese and the licks of the waggly puppy that awaits her. To miss but to move forward and continue life. It's a lesson that will be revisited time and again through out the dealings with the farm and just in life.
Maybe this is that extra piece of wisdom the farm kids had that I didn't as a growing up city kid. There was something a bit more acceptance of life and earthiness. It was a sense of being. Now I understand a sense of stark reality. Perception changes when animals move from being revered in the wild, on the nature show or as the household pet to being an investment part of your livelihood.
We are walking a line between the hard cold view of just livestock and the reality of animals purpose. The ability to let go of the guilt of the loss of the life that we took the responsibility of nurturing and raising. The letting go that every one of these animals are not pets but keeping the ethics that all of the animals on the farm deserve a good, healthy, happy safe environment. Be it family friend or barnyard foul.
This is challenging my beliefs on life, purpose, souls. Ethics truly on animals. I see all sides of discussion. But in the end in the moment when my family and I look at the animals in our charge, it comes down to us to stay true to our vision of some self sufficiency and the "small farm" and balancing our love for animals and their life.
This philosophy as it evolves will surely challenge us and pull at our heart strings. This week has proven that. It shows the flip side to the romanticism of "life on the farm." Yet at the same time is the poetic balance.
We will continue to learn and I need to look for a good place for a rock garden that can have the words duck and Cupcake.. I believe I will plant some flowers there and put in a little pond. This seems like a decent tribute to the lives of the animals that will touch us for a moment or for years. Each passing on a bit of themselves, and in every way reminding us of the balance and the ability for joy, peace, sorrow, happiness to mingle together in the daily of our lives.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Comfort in our SKIN
My good friend H. and I were discussing the changing world around us and both noticed much to our notable surprise and amusement, we are no longer the youngest of the herd of people at work. I am sure this happened over night.. The same as I fully believe that Ittie went from 3 months to 6 years in a blink of an eye.
"When did this happen ? " we both say. In my mind I believe " another one of my mother's phrases" has slipped out of my lips only to seal the deal that I am a woman "of that certain age". You know the age of when you sneeze you must cross your legs. The age where gravity has taken the back of your arm and when the wind blows your tri -ceps seem to wave to the world. The age that things have started to pop, creek and ache a bit. The age were every day you wake up open your eyes you appreciate that you have another day to have an apprehensive sneeze, ache or waving triceps and mutter one of mom or grandmother's catch phrases.
We discuss and pause almost afraid to say the words that we are now in the LATE 30's / 40 something crowd. My mind rushes and with a flood of pictures as I realize my biology teacher in 7th grade was this age when she met me. Mrs.
But wait a minute . Hold on , I really liked these individuals. I admired them for their take on life and knew they were adults that I wanted to be like. They were past the zealousness and had settled into a passion for life and authenticity. They picked their battles and laughed much . They seemed to have that secret to life. The anxiety settles a bit.
I ponder if my pillars pondered also. If at 37, 38 .. 40 they had these moment of stark reality. When they looked around at their working cohort , the faces populat ing the space around them that were much younger and too thought - When did that happen?
When they heard the anxiety of the 20 somethings in their vigor, did they shake their heads smile and nod. Go oh the energy and view they have. Were they thankful for the knowledge that not everything is a battle or something that needs all that much attention..
I am enjoying 37 . It is a good age for me. It agrees with me , or maybe I finally decided to accept and be who I am. Is that the years.. the person or a bit of both ? It's a peaceful experience even in a year that we have had much stress and non-peaceful events.
I have noticed a few grey hairs here and there. My hands I believe look more like my mother's and aunt ' s as I remember from my childhood. I sing in the car or hum to myself without really caring about the social implications of my slightly (understated) off tune voice. I wear plaid shirts over my tshirts, my farm jeans, work boots into town and don't think about what I look like as we go into the eating establishment because I am paying for the meal at the restaurant just like everyone else (thank you grandpa). There is not alot of fretting that goes on.
This is what I notice about my f riends of our Late 30's and 40's , we are comfortable in our skin. We accept each other as we are and know the journey's that we have each taken to get here. It is peaceful. It is joyous and humorous. We have the ability to share the ups and downs with each other without the entanglement of making it our own. Our laughter is loud , our smiles are broad , our love and care for each other is true and deep. The strength and fortitude that each individual carries on a daily basis amazes me. Their humility and dignity is noble.
So while we are not the youngest , we have a few more aches and trials of life , we handle them with grace and dignity. It did happen in a flash. The last 10 years. I know , it only goes faster and the faces around will continue to get younger. Except for the Ittie Bit who isn't so Ittie any more and before I know it will be in high school.. college.. and beyond and I will be blogging.. How did I get to 50 ? I was just 37 and comfortable in my skin...
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