Me and Faith... a road full of bumps, curves, and still being traveled.

First off:  Note this entirely personal.  Not a comment made to be bashed, thrown around idealized.. It's my philosophical journey.  It is rooted in several different experiences, views, feelings and interpretations.  This solely represents MY FAITH, SPIRITUALITY. VIEWS and Beliefs.   So before journeying on into this written endeavour to weed out some of my philosophy and driving force on life.. Please free your mind enough to see that.. if you can't and you journey on or stop.  Either way I am looking for discourse.. Because I believe through challenge and discussion we can find understanding, tolerance, truth.. or at least a path to civility.

I remember being 10.. crossing the street and thinking.. "if there is a God, then this God does not care about me and so I don't care about this GOD.  IE God doesn't exist."  It was an interesting time in the least at my house.  My father had left for the second time in my life.  All my siblings were away.  Carl and Suzanne at College, Mike was out in the real world.  I was home with Mom.  What I saw at times was a woman broken.  A woman who prayed and there was "no deliverance" for me, her, US..   I would go home to find her curled up in such despair that she was unreachable. Checked out.. At times she would snap out of it.. and be vested but alot of this time was alone and in my head.  My father came back, chaos remained and I went along silently.

15 .. dad left for the last time.  Mom broke permanently.  Her saving place was church so I drove her there.  It was a great way to practice driving.  What I didn't know is how badly I needed to feel loved.   The church, my friends, "god" gave that to me.  I became a real Bible thumper for about 2 years until my youth pastor and I got into a discussion about my mother -her boyfriend and that by her having Sex out of Marriage with him and she did not ask for forgiveness this would mean she would go to Hell.   Now I could think of many of the reasons / fights both my Mother and I should both feel the flames of fiery torment.. I mean the screaming matches we had, the abuse, the depression and suicide attempts.. But God would DAMN her for feeling and ounce of love toward a man that loved her back.. Hello Angry 10 year old.. I rejected the youth pastor.. Not God this time.. But I also started questioning the "Conservative rigid" side of FAITH, Religion.. ideals.

For example: If everyone is suppose to be Christian by God's order.  Then why are there baby Buddhist, Muslims, Jews, Jains, Hindu's.  God creates everyone as they are suppose to be created yes??   If Christianity is the faith of the world.. Why did Buddhism develop go on for so long  and continue and well be separated by some of the tallest, highest most treacherous mountains in the world.  God created the world correct, nature.. its all in his/her plan.. So therefore Buddhism, Hinduism , Judaisms had to have a place in this plan. ..

If we are all god's children and God loves us as a parent/ creator loves the world.  Then isn't god's saving power to all of us not just through one messenger.   I mean if Avery isn't listening I engage others, people of influence in her life to help.  In the end I want her to contribute good to the world, stay healthy, love, be kind, responsible.  Isn't this most hope of parents for most Children.. So if God is acting like a parent isn't that what God wants for everyone be the various belief systems that get us there??

If you can't tell I still play with these thoughts and tenants.. They drive me.. encourage me.  

If we just focus on the reward of eternal life and not the life lived aren't we missing the point??? It's like Avery focusing on the GIFT at Christmas and not the reason for giving. 

I found a church in College and a ministry couple and family that adopted me and my curiosity.  The Lesson that I hear in my brain today 15 years later is the responsibility of a Christian is to find out how god is working in their life on a daily basis.  "Thank you Brenda".  It's a mantra that is said silently subconsciously.

I had friends of various religious backgrounds, ethnicity's, and sexuality and one of the best "CHRISTIANs" i ever have known happens to be extremely Jewish.. She is  sweet, brilliant, kind,compassionate, and driven.  I strive to have some of her kindness, thought and temperament in my life.  Some would label:"it is Christ like" It is who she is.. born jewish, raised jewish and like many of us, her faith is part of her but not her entirety.  I am blessed to have her as a friend.  Some have answered it is my job to "save her", I have answered maybe it is she who is saving us.

I left college with the plan to go into ministry.  And then I got married which actually was a bigger risk for me.  During that time while I was going through candidate process the United Methodist Church banned three Ministers for performing Same Sex Marriages.  I dropped out of the ministry route.  How could I support an organization that excluded verses included.  How could they deny the love of two consenting adults for one another and how could they ever accept me a Bi-Sexual Minister teaching about God's love and acceptance and forgiveness.  Where was the GRACE in this? 

I went to social work.  I worked with dual diagnosis adults, homelessness and domestic violence.  Addicts, geriatrics, at risk youth, boys detention/ counseling center for young families, and prevention programs for young mothers and fathers.  What I learned:  I became extremely jaded to shield myself from some of the atrocity's of this country where our biggest problem is exclusion.  That religion can be an addiction, that many churches used the acceptance of god to give relief to the needy and that I really respect the local Catholic Charities at that time that said all people deserve to be safe, clothed and fed.   God wasn't in the show but the need for power, control, feeling better then others was. Be it a mother quoting scripture to me about why I needed to support the less fortunate when she had spent money on cigarettes instead of diapers and spanked her child after he threw a chair during Jerry Springer, or the organization that chose to make women attend Bible study twice a week before giving them groceries for the month.   The use of God as a weapon a tool to gain was everywhere.. 

I left religion, I left social work.. I went to computers and got divorced.  I invested in friends, and created a family.  I have had and do discuss God the Bible, truth meaning, it's actually one of my favorite discussions.  I like to know why people believe what they believe,  Sometimes its family of origin, safety, needing a 12 step plan to get the reward at the end, sometimes it an I am right issue. Sometimes its truly just faith, belief, interpersonal drive, quiet code that isn't discussed.. I have in my life those who I consider Authentic.. by that I mean they live a life because it is them and to the core know.. Be it Science, be it Christ, be it a mingling of church, family, friends.  

 Over time my  belief of  SIN is something based on selfishness.Honestly the MOP rules come to mind.  Does it harm myself, others, property.. It focuses just on personal gain in no regards for all those that it affects.  Be it addiction, hoarding, sex, religion, words.. and to that belief, I have sinned , i do sin and I am trying my best to lesson it on a daily basis, ask forgiveness of those I have wronged and move on with a life of authenticity by being aware, trying to make a difference in choices I make, behaviors I chose, and the way I interact with the world around. 

I recognize the creation before me, the life as a gift and the wonderful souls that I am blessed to have time to share these journey's around the sun with.  I have a child against the scientific odds and she is the best life changing choice I have had to make..  And in all this I find GRACE..

When going through the divorce I found myself one night curled up in a ball on the floor feeling pain shoot out from my heart to my finger tips.. My soul was crying out.  It was so immense and intense that at that moment I knew why people took their own lives.  If this was an inkling of what they felt....  My dog came over with a gooey raw hide and dropped in on my head.. I pushed it away.. Again Connor dropped it.. I prayed silently for strength, for endurance, for wisdom.  Connor licked my face and the pain subsided and I felt calm. Not pain free but calm.  In this moment with my dog's love and strength I also felt "God" and was reminded that I have everything I need to make it in this life. LOVE, Strength, Endurance, Kindness and Compassion. and the discipline to lift myself up off the floor, wipe me off and go take my dog for a walk.

I have many healing moments like this, with Atheist Scientific friends, huggers, non-huggers who spontaneously hugged, pick me ups, moments of stark reality.  In all of this I find the connection, I find "God".  I claim Christianity as my base of Faith not for the "Gift at the End" but because I find the walk of the life worth living.  I find Compassion, Tolerance, Love, Discipline, Seeing past the muck and the grime toward the worth and the potential and encouraging people to be that as what we are suppose to be doing, no matter who we are. 

It is the mantra in the daily of my life.  It is my code..my value. It is my journey, my faith.