Mingling Essence and the Passage of Cupcake.

Cupcake the gosling died today.  We haven't had cupcake long.  She was the tag along side kick to the ducks and the other goose Banana.  They are currently residing in a water tank with heat lamp in the garage.

The loss of cupcake hurts as does the loss of the other 4 ducklings and 6 turkey chicks that the cold snap has caused.  It's an interesting hard painful lesson for everyone involved. 

Avery is sad when finding a dead chick. She wants to hold the dead bird as if willing it back to life.  Ittie pets the lifeless body in her hands.  It is hard to watch but I let it happen; I understand.   I held four of the dying birds in my hands as they struggled and passed on.   She asks if we can bury it like we did her hamster.   It is a moment of reality .. a moment of innocence and a moment of dignity that my daughter wants to give to this life that is lost.

My answer is" baby we can not bury every animal that is going to die on this farm".   So she gets a rock and then asks me to write the word DUCK on it.. "mama so we will have something to remember it by"

Yes Ittie I will write Duck on the stone.  I am going to need to find a bigger stone for cupcake. Cupcake was going to be a gray goose. Avery liked to pick the gosling up and hold cupcake close.  Hmm.   

I have another day before Avery returns home from her fathers to tell her that cupcake is with us no longer. Look at her face.  She will feel sadness but she will be OK.   That's the lesson in this isn't it. To have some loss, sadness and still be OK.  To still enjoy Mac and Cheese and the licks of the waggly puppy that awaits her.   To miss but to move forward and continue life.  It's a lesson that will be revisited time and again through out the dealings with the farm and just in life.

Maybe this is that extra piece of wisdom the farm kids had that I didn't as a growing up city kid.  There was something a bit more acceptance of life and earthiness.  It was a sense of being.  Now I understand a sense of stark reality.    Perception changes when animals move from being revered in the wild, on the nature show or as the household pet to being an investment part of your livelihood.

We are walking a line between the hard cold view of just livestock and the reality of animals purpose.  The ability to let go of the guilt of the loss of the life that we took the responsibility of nurturing and raising.   The letting go that every one of these animals are not pets but keeping the ethics that all of the animals on the farm deserve a good, healthy, happy safe environment.   Be it family friend or barnyard foul. 

This is challenging my beliefs on life, purpose, souls.  Ethics truly on animals.   I see all sides of discussion.  But in the end in the moment when my family and I look at the animals in our charge, it comes down to us to stay true to our vision of some self sufficiency and the "small farm" and balancing our love for animals and their life.

This philosophy as it evolves will surely challenge us and pull at our heart strings.   This week has proven that.  It shows the flip side to the romanticism of "life on the farm."  Yet at the same time is the poetic balance. 

We will continue to learn and I need to look for a good place for a rock garden that can have the words duck and Cupcake.. I believe I will plant some flowers there and put in a little pond.  This seems like a decent tribute to the lives of the animals that will touch us for a moment or for years.  Each passing on a bit of themselves, and in every way reminding us of the balance and the ability for joy, peace, sorrow, happiness to mingle together in the daily of our lives.

Comfort in our SKIN

 My good friend H. and I  were discussing  the changing world around us  and both noticed  much to our notable surprise and amusement, we are no longer the youngest of the herd of people at work.  I am sure this happened over night.. The same as I fully believe that Ittie went from 3 months to 6 years in a blink of an eye.



"When did this happen ? "   we both say. In my mind I believe " another one of my mother's phrases" has slipped out of my lips only to seal the deal that I am a woman "of that certain age". You know the age of when you sneeze you must cross your legs.   The age where gravity has  taken  the back of your arm and when the wind blows your tri -ceps seem to wave to the world.  The age that things have started to pop, creek  and ache a bit.  The age were every day you wake up open your eyes you appreciate that you have another day to have an apprehensive sneeze, ache or waving triceps and mutter one of mom or grandmother's catch phrases.



We discuss and pause almost afraid to say the words that we are now in the LATE 30's / 40 something crowd.  My mind rushes and with a flood of pictures  as  I realize  my biology teacher in 7th grade was this age when she met me.  Mrs. Ruhl, Berry, Gaumer. Miller, Klotz's , Gretchen ball coach, Mrs Bender. . all were in the 30 somethings and 40's crowd.   AHHHH... OH GOD kids look at me that way.



But wait a minute .  Hold on ,  I really liked these individuals.  I admired them for  their   take on life and knew they were adults that I wanted to be like. They were past the zealousness and  had settled into a passion for life and authenticity.  They picked their battles and laughed  much .   They seemed to have that secret to life. The anxiety settles a bit. 



I ponder if my pillars pondered also.  If at 37, 38 .. 40 they had these moment of stark reality.  When they looked around at their working cohort , the faces populat ing the space around them  that were much younger and  too thought -  When did that happen?



When they heard the anxiety of the 20 somethings in their vigor, did they shake their heads smile and nod.  Go oh the energy and view they have.  Were they thankful for the knowledge that not everything is a battle or something that needs all that much attention.. 



I am enjoying 37 .    It  is  a good age for me.  It agrees with me ,  or maybe I finally decided to accept and be who I am.  Is that the years.. the person or a bit of both ?   It's a peaceful experience even in a year that we have had much stress and non-peaceful events. 



I have noticed a few grey hairs here and there. My hands I believe look more like my mother's and aunt ' s as I remember from my childhood.   I sing in the car or hum to myself without really caring about the social implications of my slightly (understated) off tune voice.   I wear plaid shirts over my tshirts, my farm jeans, work boots  into town and don't think about what I look like as we go into the eating establishment because I am paying for the meal at the restaurant just like everyone else   (thank you grandpa).   There is not alot of fretting that goes on. 



This is what I notice about my  f riends of  our Late 30's and 40's ,  we are comfortable in our skin.  We accept each other as we are and know the journey's that we have each taken to get here.  It is peaceful.  It is joyous and humorous.  We have the ability to share the ups and downs with each other without the entanglement of making it our own.  Our laughter is loud ,  our smiles are broad ,  our love and care for each other is true and deep.   The strength and fortitude that each individual carries on a daily basis amazes me. Their humility and dignity is noble. 



So while we are not the youngest ,  we have a few more aches and trials of life , we handle them with grace and dignity.  It did happen in a flash.  The last 10 years. I know ,  it only goes faster and the faces around will continue to get younger. Except for the Ittie Bit who isn't so Ittie any more and before I know it will be in high school.. college.. and beyond and I will be blogging.. How did I get to 50 ?  I was just 37 and comfortable in my skin...