My Christmas present..

Today I get a call from school.. Life pauses.. It's Monday.. Ittie had her asthmatic black eyes Thursday through Saturday and they started looking better by Sunday.. I thought we had beat it.. but its the school calling.. crap.. I answer waiting to hear the .. "Gretchen.. Ittie.. "and it is the nurses voice on the phone.  The school nurse and I have become friends over the last three years.  Her in laws farm the land around us.  Ittie sees "J" and hugs her instantly. 

But this time it's different as I have the bit of anxiety that goes with the routine .. and packing my bag to get into the car .. just waiting to say the rudimentary "I am on my way".. J pauses me with .. "nothing is wrong."

I slowly say "ok" trying to remember what I may have forgotten or .. alright Avery had an accident but Jan is just calling to let me know.. He pants are ripped.. and a few other possibilities parade through my mind as a CNN banner..

J led on to say.. "I needed to tell you what Ittie said today"  OK now I am definitely peaked.. knowing about how Ittie likes to talk about the "mating" rituals of our animals on the farm.. I have been waiting for this call.. I brace myself..

And then it turns.. J goes on to tell me how during Inhaler time. Ittie and her classmate had stated they both had run ins with Santa this weekend.  J going along with it ask both Ittie and her little friend what was the one thing they wanted.. The boy stated he wanted a Clay set.. or something like that and then J said.. "Gretchen Ittie stated she wanted to spend more time with her mom and dad because that is what its about.. and after that she wants a Furby .. then Ittie reiterated if she had to have on thing though it would be the time."    J stated this made her cry and she had to share it.

I sat in awe.. so proud .. so touched..   both by Ittie's answer and J taking the time to call and share the story with me.  What a gift.. That's my Christmas.. right there. I don't know if it will be always like this.. I hope so.. I hope that we continue to foster this amazing attitude and wonder Ittie has toward life.  

I am thankful that I have a school for Ittie and the staff that love her and cares.. But honestly Ittie makes it hard for people not to like her.  She has that thing.. It radiates from her.. Her heart pours out.  I am lucky.  I am grateful for her presence in my life.

we bought work

The mix of clover, grasses.. misplaced plants otherwise know as weeds underneath my rubber soles glisten with a crisp cool dew.  Not the dew of summer that seems to mist the plant but the rounded full reflective cold droplets of fall .. water that is transitioning waiting.. to be called frost.  

I step forward.. leash on the pup that has entered our lives... walking her.. allowing her to finish her business I make steps toward starting the task of the morning chores.  Chickens out.. ducks.. Hay to horses.. Head count on the cats.. Jay.. Feline...Mac...Kittty KItty .. ahh there is my yellow tiger looking as the indignant ruler of the farm.  

The fields are flat.. It seems as if they were harvested way to early but truthfully it was right on time.   Oh how time flies.. there as wisps of stalks left from the soybeans that surrounded us.. Next year most likely corn.. 

I sweep a gaze .. Remind myself to take a trip down to the pond tonight after work..Something was there about 3:30 making noise and I would like to spy the tracks if any are left in the bank.. This will tell me if a trap is needed.  

The guineas are screeching.. its a very abrupt wake up alarm and I wish to get away from it this morn.. but they follow me to file their notice of alarm.  They are the neighbor hood watch or a group of Gladys Kravitz. yelling about every little thing..I imagine its something like this:  Hey the cat is over there.. do you know what he said to us, the horses nosed Julie over here..  What is that dog doing .. another dog.. the little dogs aren't enough.  The Turkeys are hogging all the food.. you aren't going to get a hog are you.... and so on..   I hasten my pace.. 

The barn is a true red against the golds, greens and browns that are evolving.  apples fall to the ground in the orchard.. The pond reflects a blue of the Fall sky and is highlighted as the cat tails stalks have been spun to gold.  

Bo neighs his impatience with my ponder and wishes me to return to the task.. which includes throwing the hay that now lays at my feet into the Paddock.  All 6 equine noses and ears are turned my way.. Each looking at me as if to say .. Hello umm yes its nice you are appreciating the world around you.. but about that delicious breakfast at your feet.. umm could you throw that over and then continue with your wonder.  

I throw the blades to the horses.. Doling them out in three piles The snorting and neighs stop replaced by a munching sound.. The pup is as far away from the fence as possible.  she doesn't really know what to think of the horses at this time other then fear.  Will have to work on that.. add that to the task list.. Fencing, insulating.. patching.. dog horse normalization... sand in barn , drainage.. fall mulching.. composting, worming.. I whisper one thing at a time as I picture the hand written piece of paper with the list appear.. 

Look around.. Look to the watch.. the read out lets me know i need to get a move on.. I walk back .. up the rickety stairs.. the one hand rail has come loose.. noted ..and its mental hand written form takes another line on the to dos.. 

My grandmother stated that we bought work when we bought the farm and she was right.. but at the end of the night and the list that grows and the animals that relay their needs and wants.. We also bought peace, ponder, a place to grow, learn.. love.. a bit of heaven for us.. 


 

End days..

I stare at her lying in the bed .  Oxygen hooked up and cannula placed in her nose.  Cath bag hanging from the side of the bed.  Her grey white hair straighter then I have ever noticed it.  The strands are thin but its depth is thick .. much like mine.. She smiles.. 

Ittie approaches the bed.. "Careful of those tubes Ittie.. don't step on them OK" .. escapes my throat in the most controlled voice I can muster..  I am looking at my hero.. and now I must be brave.. I know what my role is .."Why mama?" Ittie states with the innocent pondering look.  "Because if you step on them you could hurt Grandma.. they are attached to her" .. "Oh" is my answer and Ittie proceeds with caution but love.  

"OH it IS Avery.".. my grandma exclaims.. Ittie's head is over the side rail as she says hi and reaches out.  "You yelled at me the last two times I appeared with out her, think I was going to do that again. I do listen you know.." leaves my mouth with a hint of playfulness and a smirk across my lips.  For a moment its just us.. as it has always been a playful exchange.  

Ittie curiously looks around.. answers the questions about school, shows Grandma the new puppy,.. and then as normal for a girl her age squirms and starts looking uncomfortable...She journey's to the other room.  Hell I am uncomfortable.  Its hard to see Mary Myers frail.. vulnerable... bed ridden.. She is an icon of my life.. I remind my self of the normalcy of this .. a life long lived.  My duty to my grandmother.. and then the tears come.. She looks me in the eye and pats my hand...  I fight to hold back the flood I feel.. I am now the 7 year  old.. 12 .. 15 .. 21  27... and again she consoles my aching heart as always.. I play with her hair.. It's really the only thing I can do.. I am honest in my tears .. but I am disappointed in myself  for not being STRONG .. funny.. but I was honest.. 

I grieve .. yes my grandmother is alive and I am thankful.. thankful for the time we have.. the moment .. the love.. but I also grieve for the loss.. the loss of her freedom.. some of her sharpness... and if I am truly honest the loss of the image I have always had of her.   I grieve what I know is the road to come.. The hardships.. My heart and shoulders are heavy and sink... but this can only last for a little bit.. I look back to her.  

She fades from the present for a moment.. She looks at me.. and says .." that was?".. pointing to the direction that Avery left.. She is going through the names silently.. Grandma is doing her best to try to mouth which one of us she thinks visited..   "Avery, grandma.. that was Avery.. "     "Oh" slips out in a exasperated sigh.. She is looking tired.  Then with a quick return to present.. "what are you doing with another dog?"   I smile and laugh thankful for the gift of presence... "the dog found us.. and did you see the wee ones face.. do you want to tell her we shouldn't have it?"  .. She looks at me with a look of usual suspicion that is questioning my true motives.. "I guess not"  with as much of a haughty laugh she can handle.  

She is looking tired again.. She looks from the TV to me.. and her eyes dull.. her lids start to close.. I call Ittie in and lift her up to kiss grandma..  Itties voice rings true.. "I love you grandma"  .." I love you too my dear " is Mary's return..   I look her in the eye.. again I am now the 7 year old..  and state with an innocence and honesty straight from my soul " I love you grandma.. "   her answer.." I love you to my dear.."

I cling to that sound.. those words.. her image of love for me ..The wonderful gift of her being and the 39 years I have had to spend hearing her reprimand, banter.. love.. console.. Sharing  the woman who she was and is  .. I am lucky to share time with her in her end days be it  a few days  of a few months or years.. 

The Dance in the Gray.

On the sea of gray I move.. Today my journey's sound track is the echo of a violin with a piano.. Toying in the recesses of my mind.  The violin taunts the piano with its merry echo as the piano keys strike and then the echo drawing across the strings with hastened movement almost laughing at the roughness of the piano's steps and sound..

I weave and maneuver my way with the ebb and flow of this exchange.  Seeing what is before me and around me but pulled in by the tune and the play that is happening.. I see the players hands in my mind their mouths with the smirk as they play their lines in triumph only to have it echoed by the other.

I let myself feel the music.. and I continue forward.. Remembering that I have a task and end goal.  This path that I am on will lead to an ending with turning away from music wander and enter a world of tech, keystrokes, phone calls..   

For a few more moments though I am here.. absorbed in the very essence of the notes exchanging the tempo changes.. The dance..

I pull into my spot in the garage.. I hesitate to turn the key .. Just a few more seconds.. I feel the vibration and a small amount of irritation that it has begun before I even enter the doorway.  The key turns.. The dance ends and I traverse the last parts of gray on foot.. Buzz.. Hello.. this is Gretchen Speaking..

The Bus is out there.. watch that curb.

I wake up cold sweat.. .... The grave chill  still feels on my body.  This time the dream about dark emptiness.. nothing.. the void..  My mind toys with me.. what if its true nothing after this life.. what if its not yours to have.. What if there are multiple lives but you don't remember anything so its as if you haven't lived before.. WHAT IF>>>>

I remind myself of my spirituality.. my beliefs.. I try to calm my inner psychosis that is going on..  and I tremble but feel some resemblance of calm settling back in.. The invisible hand lifts from my chest a little bit.

I know why I feel this way.. It is not about my eternal soul.  It's about Harriet's diagnosis.  It's about the health problems that loom over her and us and its my fear of life without her.  The void is my dark lonely place.

My world is a much happier place with her.  Not rainbows and unicorns.. OK maybe rainbows...(hmmm). Fulfillment is the word.  Yet it is threatened and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.  I can coach, cheer, nag.  I can cook the right things.  But I can't control what is happening inside her.  This for a control freak as myself.  The puzzle solver that I am, a work around queen.  A believer that there is always a solution. is a nightmare.  My solution is acceptance and I am not there yet.

Acceptance..Damn that word.. not my forte.  I have survived and moved ahead by challenging not accepting. I have embraced myself, found my love by not accepting the "rules" but my listening to my heart and using my head.  So acceptance.. I growl.. I find it unsettling.

My mind shouts:.. She has worked so hard.  she is trying..  This is not fair.. My anger at the reality.. Her heart is weak.. And life is forever different.  It is unpredictable.. But these statements are true about everyday.  However the statements of: you don't know from day to day.. I mean you could be here and gone the next,  don't bring me peace.. It freaks me out.. I want to scream at the person.. I understand that .. you don't think I understand that I am living that scenario.  But the metaphorical you could get hit by a bus is Harriet's heart.  It's real and everyday I step off that curb knowing a bus is waiting.

I realize that my intense focus isn't helping.  My cognitive realization isn't doing much to help settle the anxiety that is boiling up and over into my dreams and reality.  So I search believing that more understanding will give me a better place to work from.  I read the prognosis.  The transition of the disease... This is not helping.  I go and talk to my experts.. The solemn expressions.. The gravity to their tone.. not exactly soothing.. its just kindling to my already blazing worry.

Now I wish for ignorance.. but I can't turn back that clock and not that I really want the lack of knowledge, but I want the ability and freedom to not worry because I don't understand the magnitude of the situation. Just for a moment.

Do I think I am being dramatic about this.. yes.. do I believe the reality is severe? absolutely.  Do I realize that by freaking out about Harriet's heart like I am is not helpful to either one of us.. on a second by second basis which truly makes me annoyed with myself.  I know mind wrenching right..

I wish I was a better person in that I rise above this madness all the time to be there for the person I love.  I have failed and honestly will fail from time to time again.  I do what I can.  I tell her ever day that I love her.  I appreciate the moments for what they are and I dance with her when given the opportunity.. and I do love a good slow dance..

Ya that bus is out there.. but I am hoping it continues to stall... I will continue have this fear.. but with it I have my appreciation for the person I love.. I am lucky .. 3 years to 40 .. I don't know what we will have together.. I know it will be full of love, a bond that grows, strength and endurance.. I keep telling Ittie that bravery isn't the lack of fear its facing your fear and dealing with it.. So time to live that one for myself and Harriet.

Life on the Farm .. The New Normal

Ahhh.. Stop him.. .. BUNNY.. get Jay.. NO RILEY.. BUNNY...

The little rabbit is now only sheltered by Harriet's hand as the dog flanks from the right and the cat from the left.  Harriet playing the role of the Pelican in Finding Nemo.. Just jump in my mouth aka hand bunny its your only chance.

A few minutes later Harriet is holding a baby rabbit with a bouncing Ittie and a bouncing Affenpinscher by her side.. both wanting to see the bunny for polar opposite reasons..

Harriet if we just find the "hole" we can put it back.. Me umm I think the hole was found and that is our survivor..  Rabbit looks nervously but takes the cuddles and pets.   So now the question.. what to do with the bunny that we just kept from being Jay or Riley's afternoon snack. 

"Harriet if you want it to survive we can put it in the last rabbit hutch and raise it until its bigger.. We have hay.. and sweet mix .  We have the bunny water bottles.". I get a look of really it should be let go.  I reply with. " If you let it go.. it will be dinner.".  Not that I disagree with her but the reality of effort that was just put forth to save the bunny makes it seem that we should continue on with this effort.  So now we have the rabbit with no name living in a hutch under a lean to.. another mouth to feed until she (yes we sexed the bunny) can be let go to free range.

This is our life on the farm.. A balance between trying to trap or shoot the muskrat that is digging holes in the side of our pond and destroying a resource to saving lives of the animals that we can save.  Raising animals to "consume" and raising animals for joy companionship and work.  I look at the turkeys that follow me when I come outside and feel a twinge of guilt of knowing what I am intending their future to be.  They look at me.. they peep.. They have personalities.. and they also have a purpose for this farm.. for this family for this business.. So as long as they are here they will be treated with dignity and grace and given treats and grains.. so they can enjoy the sun on their feathers and the dirt and grass beneath their talon feet.  Little feathered dinosaurs running around the acreage.. I pacify my guilt with the ideal of these turkey's have a life that is filled with Sun.. frolic and good food. Most Turkey's in this world unless wild don't get that.  Yes my friends its a justification but its the one that lets me sleep at night if I and my family are going to be a meat eaters.

I am signed up for shooting lessons to be a better shot.  We have a coyote issue in our area.  We also have had a few coons, a couple opossums in the barn.  These are varmints for us as we have lost some livestock to our local traveling predators.  My job is to protect our farm, our livelihood.   This task as nasty  as it may sound is done with a gun.   I must learn to use the tool and it is a tool around here.  As needed as a hoe, shovel, plow or bridle.  I believe that with such a lethal tool, I need to be able to be accurate and use it diligently and wisely so I have lessons with a local marksman.   Again.. it is not something that I am not overly proud about.  Its just the new normal. 

My new normal is dawning Muck boots over red and white plaid pajama bottoms as I go out in the morning remembering to try to find the PJ's without the whole in the butt so the neighbors don't see the moon rising in the morning.  Muck boots with shorts at night.. (its quite the fashion statement).

It's realizing that from the barn to the house when you have hydrated properly is a really long way .. So getting over a bit of public nudity is OK vs wet pants...If men can mark their corner so can I..

 My new normal is trying to help my daughter get over her fear of the geese when she  with other animals is fearless. Realizing that Ittie now believes cowboy boots go with every outfit including sport shorts.   Enjoying a good lightning bug hunt, a dream and story of clouds.  A discussion of constellations and their myths.

Coffee on the stoop in the AM  and a beer or glass of wine on the porch in the PM  Smell of grilled garden veges and the laughter that comes with a certain "simplicity" of life.   It's not easy.. As my grandmother said.. we bought ourselves a whole lot of work.  But at the end of my day.. I feel good.  I look upon the world .. and our corner of it.. sigh at the the baby bunny in the hutch.  Look at our 1000 lb yard ornament munching on grass.  The sigh I have is not one of resignation but of relaxation.  I am enjoying this new normal.. as crazy as it may be.. as distracting and sometimes messy .. It's what at the end of the day refreshes and enlightens me.. It's my zen .. It's my niche.. It's my normal..

My Elephant in the Room. OK its just one of them

I have started a few posts.. that I may finish or leave dangling in the queue to temp me.. They all trudge down hard paths..  How to balance the negative with possible solutions. 

I don't like rants.. I don't like when I have a problem without possible solutions before me.  It taxes me.. toils inside my very being gnawing away.  Yes there are somethings that I must let go .. I understand that but usually I only do after I have tried to view the issue from every angle ..  and somethings just continue to hang with me.

I must admit I have and often don't feel comfortable in the "LGBT" community.  Honestly I don't get why I have to have a "community". I dwell in the middle between the lands not feeling as if either is home.  There is straight land and LGBT land.  Both communities with their issues.. but even this line shows the division.   I don't like the label. I don't like the divide.. I want the label HUMAN.. Part of this world since 1974.  And my atoms and molecules that bind this body together have been here for longer just now in a different composition.  So why is it that because I am with a woman as my partner.. I long to belong again.

Could it be this:

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.   A bit simplistic explanation but you get the model.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Maslow's_Hierarchy_of_Needs.svg

Since I have been "out." I don't believe I have changed other then maybe feeling like I don't have a deep dark skeleton looming over me.  That dark skeleton wasn't being GAY.. or Bi or whatever label you may think is necessary to understand my attraction.,  It was fear of loosing my  3rd level of the triangle.. The drop to not having acceptance and belonging.  This fear was based in a myth and the  lack of trust that my amazing friends and family members would turn away from me  instead of just look at me continue to say duh.. we love you.. doesn't really matter the sex of the person you are with, What does matter is the character of the person you are with.  (The latter response and acceptance is exactly the reception I received 90% of the time?)

What I feel is others may have changed their perception of me. I joke about being the gay person. or in my "gay" community about being the token bi-sexual.  Everyone needs their token person right. My jokes: I vowed not to have any more then one lesbian couple on the coed softball team because it left a staffing issue on vacations.  I jest about myself and the stereotypes not only to put other people at ease but also myself. Like: I played golf, softball, fished, like home improvement, hiking boots are apart of my daily ensemble with flannel and yes I really want to own a Jeep.   Laughter does help it makes the elephant in the room a bit smaller.  It opens up discussion. 

What I have a problem with is letting go of the elephant.. Maybe it is because of where I live.  Maybe it is because I am trying to wrap my head around the fact that  Harriet and I both need to write wills so we can protect each other and also make sure Sam and Avery are taken care of.   Marriage isn't a legal remedy for us so having to go to extra legal lengths and trying to insure ourselves enough so that after the inheritance tax that applies to us but not a married couple.  Harriet can still run the farm.

To combine their property as one family unit, something previously discussed as being a top goal of many committed domestic partner couples. While it simply does not sound “right” to a lot of people since they believe they should be able to give their property to anyone they choose without being taxed, I can assure you that this tax is very real. And, no, this tax does not affect married couples at all because they have something called the “unlimited marital deduction,” which allows unlimited gifts and unlimited inheritance without taxes for U.S. Citizen spouses.

http://rainbowlegaltalk.typepad.com/rainbow_legal_talk/2009/08/five-common-pitfalls-in-domestic-partner-estate-planning-part-ii.html

I am jealous of my  "straight" friends who can  insure their spouse. In fact if they wanted to they could get married to an opposite sex friend and then insure them without that being counted as income.  If I insure Harriet, it would cost out of pocket an extra 300 plus dollars a month in taxation for the coverage.  The same coverage that my heterosexual friends would pay nothing over the family premium for because its not taxable.

When employees elect health insurance coverage from their employers for their families, the majority of their employers contribute to at least half of the insurance coverage's cost. For employees with different-sex spouses, federal and state tax law do not require employers to report their contribution to the employee's or the employee's different-sex spouse as taxable wages earned — the value of the health insurance coverage can be excluded from the employee's gross income.
Non-dependent same-sex partners and spouses (and their dependents) are treated differently under federal and most states' tax laws:

• Imputed income: the estimated value of the employer's financial contribution towards health insurance coverage for non-dependent same-sex partners must be reported as taxable wages earned.
  • Employees: This tax penalty, depending on the individual and the estimated value of the health benefit, can be in the thousands of dollars per year and can result in the individual paying upwards of 50% more in federal taxes. As of 2007, employees with partner benefits pay on average $1,069 per year more in taxes than would an employee with the same coverage for a different-sex spouse. See the Williams Institute and Center for American Progress report: Unequal Taxes on Equal Benefits
  • Employers: Because the imputed income increases the employee's overall taxable income, it also increases the employer's payroll taxes — the federal Social Security (FICA) and unemployment insurance tax (FUTA) that employers pay based on employees' taxable incomes. According to the same CAP/Williams Institute report,employers collectively pay a total of $57 million per year in additional payroll taxes because of this unequal tax treatment. Employers also face additionaladministrative burdens of annually tracking the dependent status of covered same-sex partners and spouses and maintaining separate payroll functions for income tax withholding and payroll taxes.
• Pre-tax dollars may not be used to pay for the partner's coverage, limiting the use of Flexible Spending Accounts (FSAs), Health Reimbursement Accounts (HRAs) and Health Savings Accounts (HSAs).

See: Federal laws impacting domestic partner benefits.

http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/taxation-of-domestic-partner-benefits

Health Care issues, impacts, rights waivers.. etc.. And yes while some of these issues have a work around.. It does not treat myself and Harriet who would love to be "married" the same as many of my friends who have the option to marry under the law.

Note I said law/ government not Church.. When taxation , inheritance, governing rights to the individual are involved this is a government and legal matter.  Not religious matter.

I joke about this because it hurts me.  Honestly did I give this much thought before.. Nope I didn't get all of it.  I believe that if two consenting adults wanted to get married.  OK.. I mean hey people do it all the time in Vegas right?? Think about it,  Man "Hi you sure are pretty." Woman. "Oh thank you.. that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me..."  A couple drinks and hours later.. maybe some dancing.. "want to get married.. We must be soul mates.. "  Going to the chapel..... and there Elvis presides.. to the newly married couple.    So why do they who have known each other for 6 hours of intense destiny get more rights then Harriet and I.  We dated for 6 months.  She stayed with me after a surgery.  It worked so well that she stayed longer.  She proposed to me at 8 months.  and We were looking for houses after that. 

I get why we have a community.. Our community is a refuge from all the intolerance all the ignorance, the justifications, the turning of a blind eye..The there are bigger issues in this country.  A place where people understand what work around do not equal equality.  Yet I am still torn.. I don't want the label.. I want to be me.. Gretchen.. I don't want the burden of helping others with their tolerance of me for the simple fact that I love an amazing person of character, strength kindness and fortitude.  I love an amazing authentic soul and anyone would be lucky to have Harriet in their life.  I don't want the label because my other friends don't have to have one..

But I am wrong: Married is a label.. they get a community its called marriage.  It has privileges and rights to the IN the  in group.