All the coolness and ease of the dark, I slump down on the top stair, feet firmly planted on the plank board below. my knees are my elbows resting place. my arms outward triangle , hands clasped , fingers entwind, thumbs crossing then uncrossing rubbing ever so slightly.. hmm a bit rough and warn.. lines have deepend some on this hands. the light below slips onto the bottom steps and landing in jagged rays. It is a warm yellow. I know I should go there, I should move both metaphorically and physcially move.. but I linger here in the shadows..
Blue light radiates from the open doorway to my side.. making twilight shadows dance upon my back. Enough that my fingernails pick up the hue and this tint amuses my soul for a second pausing the stream of thoughts which have brought me to this silent place.. I am looking for solice..
Shoulders react to the figuretive boulders that they have been carrying for weeks.. and I buckle some beneath the weight. Neck aching .. my head throbs and I raise my hands to meet my head.. Thumbs pinching the bridge of my nose.. index fingers vertically pressed as if in prayer against my forehead.. as if this pressure and sybolism will stop for a second the thoughts that try to press on..
" Breathe" says my inner voice..and I do.. air goes through my nostrils .. deeply.. chest rises and falls.. my shoulders relax some.. and then it happens.. I was trying to hold this back but this is why I am here in this darkness.. The fear, the pain, the anxiety come crashing from my chest .. exploding out through my body .. I close up.. almost into a fetal sit.. and the tears cascade down my face.. That breathe was the key to all that I have kept tucked in and i came to the shadows to let it go..
"What are you doing out here" comes a voice to my side.. H has emerged from the bedroom to find me sitting in this place. "Praying" is my answer..
My return to the present consciousness allows me to hear the little tune that has start down in the world of light. It bounces , not to be muted in the darkness up the cavern to my ears. I can not help but smile and wipe away the tears. Ittie sings in the shower, soon there will be a "mama. <fill in the question and bed time delay>"
I do not have time to live or linger here in the shadows .. on the edge of light. I am called to be more, This weight I carry is shifted now because I have a bigger and brighter calling. I rise.. walking creekly down each step not sure if its the wood , or me that is making those sounds. I enter the brightness just in time.. "mama" is a elfish voice in the bathroom."Yes, Ittie" my usual reply as I walk over to meet these greenish / blueish eyes that hold a very important question: "Is my hair OK" .
