Motherhood 1 Ittie's and my.. trial, trepedation, strength.. journey

Along time ago.. what seems like eons.. I may have been heard saying things like Motherhood is for others.  My plan is to be cool aunt.  The one that my nieces and nephews can call in a pinch, talk to when they can't talk to their parents,  the one that travels, has time to listen.  A bohemian of sorts.   Not to knock the mothers out there or the friends of mine that eagerly or even not so eagerly embraced the notion of, wanting, craving ideal.  I didn't have that yearning.  I never felt a biological clock tick.  I detested playing house and dolls as a chiild.  Barbies who wanted to play Barbies when there was a jungle to explore, fire pits to jump over, mountains to climb.. the elusive bunny to track and cars to race.. what to dress barbie in and walk her up the stairs to her couch from her pink corvette was so placid compared to the world in my imagination and around me.

So when the day came that I figured out I was pregnant which was pretty much when it happened and I so wanted to live in denial for the next 3 weeks.. If you are asking yourself  at this moment:.. hello don't you know how these things happen.. Yes I was on the pill.  yes I took it at the same time, no I was not taking antibiotics, St Johns Wort or any other supplement that can affect the efficiency of the pill.   There is a .05 percent and well Ittie Bit is the .05..   I am pro Choice.  Yes you can tell me that it was meant to be, that she is a blessing.   I say choosing to have Avery was the best decision I decided to make for myself and for her.  I also grieved everything I knew I was leaving behind and the life that I had just lost.  The freedom that goes with it and feared the trepidation of the new path.  In this I am not looking for acolades or good for you.  It was a decision a very personal decision.  No matter what way I chose from the moment I knew I was pregnant my life, who I was from that moment was changed.  It is a profound definition of ones self sitting and thinking and choosing and I struggled with it.  Brenda Oldstrom's voice echoed in my head as I sat trying to decide "When you make a choice to open and go through one door, you are making the choice to close others"   Was this ever one of those moments.

Ittie..It is 6 years and a couple months after she decided to join us out here in the air breathing part of the world.  She is a beautiful, sweet, smart, imaginative, funny child.  Yes ..Paula Gaumer.. she may well be on her way to being eccentric. Which is perfectly fine by me.  I am in the business of raising a good person.  Ittie and I have our moments.  They are a trial, sometimes laced with trepidation and fortified with strength.  That strength is in our belief in each other.  I am not the typical mom in some aspects and totally in others.  I know I go to my friends for reality checks all the time.  Am I over the top, Am I being too lax,  Does this truly count as neuroticism?????  If your child saw your breasts and asked the question.....  how would you have handled it? The pink princess seems to be making it through our little experiment alright. 

I ponder from time to time the freedom of exploring that I miss.  The independence that I closed the door on.  But really it is not a great place to let my thoughts dwindle.  I chose Avery and thank god in return she chooses to love me.   That I am blessed with giggles and things Like MOM I want to do Science.. she grabs two cups..adds soap bubbles then grabs salt and some other spices to see if they affect the bubbles.. Yep thats science.  She is empathetic, She loves and sings and dances.  She needs encouragement not to give up or get to upset when she struggles that practice does make perfect. She gives me strength in my moments.. those moments of why do I have to deal with this.. or I just want to growl at the entire world today.  She centers my focus.  

I am finding balance these days.. Doing pondering.  Adventuring with Ittie and having my own adult adventures with Harriet.   We have family time with the girls and even time with each of the girls independently.  Harriet is more rough and tumble then I.  The words "are you listening to your mother" are often heard in our house.   This may not be the path i started on but it is the path I chose to take.  I continue to learn.. adjust, hope that I am being adequate.  That I don't pass on my inadaquacies/ bad behaviors.  That what we do on a daily basis brings happiness to our family.  I am a mother.. a word that hasn't always had a great conotation with me.  A role that I truthfully tried my best to avoid and a journey I chose in the end... a door opened into Motherhood

My family.. love tradition.. loyalty.responsibility

The phrase family values has been thrown around alot this year as we approach the elections.  I find myself pondering on this phrase as it is tossed haphazardly back and forth by special interest groups, pundants, clergy and even my social group.  The romanticism of the idea of family values in current campaign speaches approach this as if there is a threat to the fiber of those very core values and I may be that threat. I truly don't like to be a threat to anything.. I tend to want to find answers and win wins.. best practice so.. How do I not become a threat to our moral fiber of our country. Or am I?  what do we mean when we talk about values? Where to start?


Now to properly look at what this means, as always I find myself returning to the basis.  Where does the idea and meaning for Value start: What I see are terms of worth, esteem, regard highly, an aspect. Well I can continue this after you read for yourself.

Dictionary.com refers to the meaning of Value as this:


val·ue: noun relative worth, merit, or importance:  monetary or material worth, as in commerce or trade: the worth of something in terms of the amount of other things for which it can be exchanged or in terms of some medium of exchange. equivalent worth or return in money, material, services, etc.: to give value for value received. estimated or assigned worth; valuation: 

verb (used with object) to calculate or reckon the monetary value of; give a specified material or financial value to; assess; appraise: to value their assets. to consider with respect to worth, excellence, usefulness, or importance. to regard or esteem highly: He values her friendship.

 Origin:
1275–1325; Middle English < Old French, noun use of feminine past participle ( compare valuta) of valoir  < Latin valēre  to be worth

Being a Human Development Family Studies Major, former case manager and now mother and acting step parent figure, I have aquired the knowledge that family is  an ever changing, dynamic system.  It's term for how the unit defines it self is based on much more then "nuclear" family, gentics, or government definitions.. It is even more dynamic then what our traditional churches define as family systems.  Family is defined by its membership, its culture, is society.  And as such the Family unit's values, what it finds worthy to believe in, and hold in high regard is dynamic and changing.

Yes our families are the foundation to our society.  And therefore their makeup and structure absolutely affects society at large and where we as a society grow and fail.  So let me speak about my families value. 

We value growth and meeting your abilities.  How is this stated in our family: "every day when you wake up you do everything you can do and then try to do more" IE  My Ittie Bittie Pink Princess is 6 and I expect her to try to tie her shoes before I help her.   Sam goes to a work program for adults with disabilities.

You treat people with respect and use manners because this shows them who you are and who you want to be.  .  Say Please and  thank you to the waitress she is working hard for you.

Life is a learning process that never stops. In this family you will go to school and school comes first.  Ittie learned this the hard way at the beginning of school this year when horse back riding lessons were pulled on the very first night because she didn't do her practice words.   We go to museums, music, cultural experiences.

Honesty =Integrity.  Ittie you can make mistakes you will choose to break the rules. But if you lie to me about it: the consequenes for your actions will be worse then if you tell me the truth.  We can work through the truth no matter how bad.

We are responsible for ourselves, each other, our community and environment: Pick up after ones self, no littering. Ittie chooses give money to the animal shelter at rural king out of itties allowance. 

Love and acceptance:  We hug, we go to each others events, Snuggle and read.  Ask about each others day.  Do things together to foster and create a sense of belonging

Self-respect, Self-Control and Independence: What do you want to do (with some choices) is a question often asked.  What do you think of your actions, work.. etc..  Sam how do you like the paycheck you earned.

Home=Peace. while we can have our conflicts.  Home is at the end of the day the place were every member in the family is to feel loved, safe and accepted.  Harriet and I do not argue in front of Sam and Avery.  We activily keep our voices in a controlled tone and if asked we are honest that we are disagreeing but everyone disagrees and we are just trying to work it out.

I know there are more.  Those are just the top few.   I believe these are admirable and worthy traits.  I believe these set up a good foundation for both Avery and Sam and their ability to enter into, act in society and help make our world a good place to live.  Do you agree?

So how am I a threat in some peoples view (not mine) to our fabric as a society.
I have a steady job, I pay my taxes, i have organized the softball team at work, coach kids soccer for the local soccer program.  I am trying to be the best parent and partner I can be.  I am raising my daughter with my partner Harriet.  Yes it is a same sex partnership and would be a marriage if it was legal in Indiana.   Yes we have love and yes I am the most peaceful in my life I have ever been.

So when you vote or think of those family values being thrown around and you identified with the above and then you hear about how Same Sex marriages are going to destroy the fabric or our society.. Think about That Ittie Bittie Pink Princess, Sam myself and Harriet.  Are we the evil that is destroying the foundation or just the red herring to distract you from the other true issues that aren't supporting the ever changing family unit and noble values like above.