Along time ago.. what seems like eons.. I may have been heard saying things like Motherhood is for others. My plan is to be cool aunt. The one that my nieces and nephews can call in a pinch, talk to when they can't talk to their parents, the one that travels, has time to listen. A bohemian of sorts. Not to knock the mothers out there or the friends of mine that eagerly or even not so eagerly embraced the notion of, wanting, craving ideal. I didn't have that yearning. I never felt a biological clock tick. I detested playing house and dolls as a chiild. Barbies who wanted to play Barbies when there was a jungle to explore, fire pits to jump over, mountains to climb.. the elusive bunny to track and cars to race.. what to dress barbie in and walk her up the stairs to her couch from her pink corvette was so placid compared to the world in my imagination and around me.
So when the day came that I figured out I was pregnant which was pretty much when it happened and I so wanted to live in denial for the next 3 weeks.. If you are asking yourself at this moment:.. hello don't you know how these things happen.. Yes I was on the pill. yes I took it at the same time, no I was not taking antibiotics, St Johns Wort or any other supplement that can affect the efficiency of the pill. There is a .05 percent and well Ittie Bit is the .05.. I am pro Choice. Yes you can tell me that it was meant to be, that she is a blessing. I say choosing to have Avery was the best decision I decided to make for myself and for her. I also grieved everything I knew I was leaving behind and the life that I had just lost. The freedom that goes with it and feared the trepidation of the new path. In this I am not looking for acolades or good for you. It was a decision a very personal decision. No matter what way I chose from the moment I knew I was pregnant my life, who I was from that moment was changed. It is a profound definition of ones self sitting and thinking and choosing and I struggled with it. Brenda Oldstrom's voice echoed in my head as I sat trying to decide "When you make a choice to open and go through one door, you are making the choice to close others" Was this ever one of those moments.
Ittie..It is 6 years and a couple months after she decided to join us out here in the air breathing part of the world. She is a beautiful, sweet, smart, imaginative, funny child. Yes ..Paula Gaumer.. she may well be on her way to being eccentric. Which is perfectly fine by me. I am in the business of raising a good person. Ittie and I have our moments. They are a trial, sometimes laced with trepidation and fortified with strength. That strength is in our belief in each other. I am not the typical mom in some aspects and totally in others. I know I go to my friends for reality checks all the time. Am I over the top, Am I being too lax, Does this truly count as neuroticism????? If your child saw your breasts and asked the question..... how would you have handled it? The pink princess seems to be making it through our little experiment alright.
I ponder from time to time the freedom of exploring that I miss. The independence that I closed the door on. But really it is not a great place to let my thoughts dwindle. I chose Avery and thank god in return she chooses to love me. That I am blessed with giggles and things Like MOM I want to do Science.. she grabs two cups..adds soap bubbles then grabs salt and some other spices to see if they affect the bubbles.. Yep thats science. She is empathetic, She loves and sings and dances. She needs encouragement not to give up or get to upset when she struggles that practice does make perfect. She gives me strength in my moments.. those moments of why do I have to deal with this.. or I just want to growl at the entire world today. She centers my focus.
I am finding balance these days.. Doing pondering. Adventuring with Ittie and having my own adult adventures with Harriet. We have family time with the girls and even time with each of the girls independently. Harriet is more rough and tumble then I. The words "are you listening to your mother" are often heard in our house. This may not be the path i started on but it is the path I chose to take. I continue to learn.. adjust, hope that I am being adequate. That I don't pass on my inadaquacies/ bad behaviors. That what we do on a daily basis brings happiness to our family. I am a mother.. a word that hasn't always had a great conotation with me. A role that I truthfully tried my best to avoid and a journey I chose in the end... a door opened into Motherhood
I LOVE eccentric . . . you wake up every day to new adventures and each one is independent of the other.
ReplyDeleteI always thought I wold marry and have children . . . and, as you know,that never happened. Didn't choose the life I led either . . . it just h appened and I let it happen the way I guess it was meant to happen.
Would I like to have made changes? Maybe. But each time I thought about it, I also thought about the positives and negatives. Darn Mom. She raised an independant daughter who lived her life the way she wanted.
So, Miss Gretchen. You keep using thosse instincts that seem to come ti some mothers when their child is born. You know, each and every one of us is an experiment in the making . . . each and every day until we have no days left. We always do what we think is best and, with fingers crossed, we go out into the world and hope all goes well that day so we can go to sleep, wake up the next day, and start all over again.
Good posting. The soul needs a place to breathe.
Love your post. It's no different for those of us who wanted to be Moms all along (and are currently growing the *2nd* surprise of 4 kids--eep!). We all second guess and ponder and worry that we're raising eccentrics. But...the journey is such a blast, no?
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