First off: Note this entirely personal. Not a comment made to be bashed, thrown around idealized.. It's my philosophical journey. It is rooted in several different experiences, views, feelings and interpretations. This solely represents MY FAITH, SPIRITUALITY. VIEWS and Beliefs. So before journeying on into this written endeavour to weed out some of my philosophy and driving force on life.. Please free your mind enough to see that.. if you can't and you journey on or stop. Either way I am looking for discourse.. Because I believe through challenge and discussion we can find understanding, tolerance, truth.. or at least a path to civility.
I remember being 10.. crossing the street and thinking.. "if there is a God, then this God does not care about me and so I don't care about this GOD. IE God doesn't exist." It was an interesting time in the least at my house. My father had left for the second time in my life. All my siblings were away. Carl and Suzanne at College, Mike was out in the real world. I was home with Mom. What I saw at times was a woman broken. A woman who prayed and there was "no deliverance" for me, her, US.. I would go home to find her curled up in such despair that she was unreachable. Checked out.. At times she would snap out of it.. and be vested but alot of this time was alone and in my head. My father came back, chaos remained and I went along silently.
15 .. dad left for the last time. Mom broke permanently. Her saving place was church so I drove her there. It was a great way to practice driving. What I didn't know is how badly I needed to feel loved. The church, my friends, "god" gave that to me. I became a real Bible thumper for about 2 years until my youth pastor and I got into a discussion about my mother -her boyfriend and that by her having Sex out of Marriage with him and she did not ask for forgiveness this would mean she would go to Hell. Now I could think of many of the reasons / fights both my Mother and I should both feel the flames of fiery torment.. I mean the screaming matches we had, the abuse, the depression and suicide attempts.. But God would DAMN her for feeling and ounce of love toward a man that loved her back.. Hello Angry 10 year old.. I rejected the youth pastor.. Not God this time.. But I also started questioning the "Conservative rigid" side of FAITH, Religion.. ideals.
For example: If everyone is suppose to be Christian by God's order. Then why are there baby Buddhist, Muslims, Jews, Jains, Hindu's. God creates everyone as they are suppose to be created yes?? If Christianity is the faith of the world.. Why did Buddhism develop go on for so long and continue and well be separated by some of the tallest, highest most treacherous mountains in the world. God created the world correct, nature.. its all in his/her plan.. So therefore Buddhism, Hinduism , Judaisms had to have a place in this plan. ..
If we are all god's children and God loves us as a parent/ creator loves the world. Then isn't god's saving power to all of us not just through one messenger. I mean if Avery isn't listening I engage others, people of influence in her life to help. In the end I want her to contribute good to the world, stay healthy, love, be kind, responsible. Isn't this most hope of parents for most Children.. So if God is acting like a parent isn't that what God wants for everyone be the various belief systems that get us there??
If you can't tell I still play with these thoughts and tenants.. They drive me.. encourage me.
If we just focus on the reward of eternal life and not the life lived aren't we missing the point??? It's like Avery focusing on the GIFT at Christmas and not the reason for giving.
I found a church in College and a ministry couple and family that adopted me and my curiosity. The Lesson that I hear in my brain today 15 years later is the responsibility of a Christian is to find out how god is working in their life on a daily basis. "Thank you Brenda". It's a mantra that is said silently subconsciously.
I had friends of various religious backgrounds, ethnicity's, and sexuality and one of the best "CHRISTIANs" i ever have known happens to be extremely Jewish.. She is sweet, brilliant, kind,compassionate, and driven. I strive to have some of her kindness, thought and temperament in my life. Some would label:"it is Christ like" It is who she is.. born jewish, raised jewish and like many of us, her faith is part of her but not her entirety. I am blessed to have her as a friend. Some have answered it is my job to "save her", I have answered maybe it is she who is saving us.
I left college with the plan to go into ministry. And then I got married which actually was a bigger risk for me. During that time while I was going through candidate process the United Methodist Church banned three Ministers for performing Same Sex Marriages. I dropped out of the ministry route. How could I support an organization that excluded verses included. How could they deny the love of two consenting adults for one another and how could they ever accept me a Bi-Sexual Minister teaching about God's love and acceptance and forgiveness. Where was the GRACE in this?
I went to social work. I worked with dual diagnosis adults, homelessness and domestic violence. Addicts, geriatrics, at risk youth, boys detention/ counseling center for young families, and prevention programs for young mothers and fathers. What I learned: I became extremely jaded to shield myself from some of the atrocity's of this country where our biggest problem is exclusion. That religion can be an addiction, that many churches used the acceptance of god to give relief to the needy and that I really respect the local Catholic Charities at that time that said all people deserve to be safe, clothed and fed. God wasn't in the show but the need for power, control, feeling better then others was. Be it a mother quoting scripture to me about why I needed to support the less fortunate when she had spent money on cigarettes instead of diapers and spanked her child after he threw a chair during Jerry Springer, or the organization that chose to make women attend Bible study twice a week before giving them groceries for the month. The use of God as a weapon a tool to gain was everywhere..
I left religion, I left social work.. I went to computers and got divorced. I invested in friends, and created a family. I have had and do discuss God the Bible, truth meaning, it's actually one of my favorite discussions. I like to know why people believe what they believe, Sometimes its family of origin, safety, needing a 12 step plan to get the reward at the end, sometimes it an I am right issue. Sometimes its truly just faith, belief, interpersonal drive, quiet code that isn't discussed.. I have in my life those who I consider Authentic.. by that I mean they live a life because it is them and to the core know.. Be it Science, be it Christ, be it a mingling of church, family, friends.
Over time my belief of SIN is something based on selfishness.Honestly the MOP rules come to mind. Does it harm myself, others, property.. It focuses just on personal gain in no regards for all those that it affects. Be it addiction, hoarding, sex, religion, words.. and to that belief, I have sinned , i do sin and I am trying my best to lesson it on a daily basis, ask forgiveness of those I have wronged and move on with a life of authenticity by being aware, trying to make a difference in choices I make, behaviors I chose, and the way I interact with the world around.
I recognize the creation before me, the life as a gift and the wonderful souls that I am blessed to have time to share these journey's around the sun with. I have a child against the scientific odds and she is the best life changing choice I have had to make.. And in all this I find GRACE..
When going through the divorce I found myself one night curled up in a ball on the floor feeling pain shoot out from my heart to my finger tips.. My soul was crying out. It was so immense and intense that at that moment I knew why people took their own lives. If this was an inkling of what they felt.... My dog came over with a gooey raw hide and dropped in on my head.. I pushed it away.. Again Connor dropped it.. I prayed silently for strength, for endurance, for wisdom. Connor licked my face and the pain subsided and I felt calm. Not pain free but calm. In this moment with my dog's love and strength I also felt "God" and was reminded that I have everything I need to make it in this life. LOVE, Strength, Endurance, Kindness and Compassion. and the discipline to lift myself up off the floor, wipe me off and go take my dog for a walk.
I have many healing moments like this, with Atheist Scientific friends, huggers, non-huggers who spontaneously hugged, pick me ups, moments of stark reality. In all of this I find the connection, I find "God". I claim Christianity as my base of Faith not for the "Gift at the End" but because I find the walk of the life worth living. I find Compassion, Tolerance, Love, Discipline, Seeing past the muck and the grime toward the worth and the potential and encouraging people to be that as what we are suppose to be doing, no matter who we are.
It is the mantra in the daily of my life. It is my code..my value. It is my journey, my faith.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Yelling from the Bleachers.. or Get in the Game
BLHAH BLAH.. Get in there, BAD Call .. BOOO HISSS.. Yells the parent, the fan, you know the guy next to you in the bleachers. Or maybe its you.
We hear the same mentality at work, on TV.. not good enough, can you believe she did that.. "This group is so bad, look at their incompetency"..
I have sat in the bleachers too.. having judgement.. at times throwing out my negativity in the winds that would carry it to whomever would listen. I have even framed it in the "well sometimes the truth hurts.. but reality is what it is."
I have also been the player on the field. The batter in the box, the coach, the worker, the manager, sister, aunt, consultant..wife, ex-wife, lover, ex-lover, Partner.. Mother.
What I am learning, have learned is that thinking before shouting is a good idea. That when my mother said if you don't have anything nice to say .. The message was truly about framing. Yes sometimes there is a bad call, a wrong that needs to be righted. Corrections to paths that are going astray. and in that when delivering the message Firmness is different from Meanness.
That yelling from the bleachers ..is just spreading negativity to the winds. Its like a sneeze in an airplane. Infectious and spreads quickly. It does nothing to make me a better person, does nothing to help the situation at hand. It doesn't bring peace, resolution, solidarity, gain. It just brings a caustic loudness that is painful to the soul and ones ears.
Yelling from the bleachers it does nothing .. hmm.. But players who have to be team-mates with people they don't like, runners who go back and help an opponent make it across the finish line. People who recover from their mistakes to come back and help the team win, and sometimes just finish or show up. Those are the people I admire.
I believe this metaphor, this experience, has influenced the way I look at leaders, success. I don't vote for the person who yells the loudest. I don't go for the "have to take a firm stand", no bi-partisanship, AKA no compromise, no getting along with people who have differences of opinion. How can we as a people of vast differences come together when we elect leaders who are rigid in their acceptance and actions. How can we be a team when the person we have raised up is one of the people that yells from the Bleachers and really isn't in the game.
When growing up playing sport, I was lucky. Our team (basic same group of softball players played together for about 8 years) had a block of parents that encouraged, clapped at our effort and our success. They picked us up when we were bruised battered and torn. When we showed "attitude" we were quickly reminded that this was about getting along, doing our job, with the Ref, the other team in some aspects, coaches and team-mates. The block of parents also weeded out the "Yellers." They would make statements like "don't listen to it.. Do your best.." Come on girls..There was always a pat on the back.
FYI: We did win the tournament, I believe 6 years out of the years I played and the other two we were runner up. Not back from 8-16. So the positive, the encouragement created an environment that we thrived in.
I admired these souls. These people who taught me as much about what it was to work in the real world, to manage, to participate to be an active member in my family, with my friends, my daughter.
As I look around to the world that I am raising Avery in, I wonder, probably as many of us have before me.. Are we taking steps forward or backwards? What is our morale compass? Who are the right leaders to continue to help our nation, our society be strong? How will we as the United States be united in respect, tolerance, growth? How will we be prompted to work with each other as a team? Because in this land of individuals .. We are are team.. Our individual performance and decision affects the group and the group affects the nation.. and in return. The guys yelling from the bleachers .. mostly are just hollow..
I am looking for a coach, a leader, someone in the game.. working to make a difference. Often these individuals are more quiet but stern, Thoughtful and take action when they need to. They tend to be about joining people.. not dividing people. Looking at the skills that are brought to the table .. not the reason why the person shouldn't be at the table. They utilize their players to make the team stronger.. Taking strengths to off set limits and they work to make the group stronger as a whole while still respecting the individual.
I am looking for that Coach in my leader this year. Someone with Vision.. Someone who can mentor, speak, change the plans/plays when they need to, surrounds themselves with wisdom. I am looking for depth, and wisdom. I am know I am in the game, I live it daily.. discussing with friends equal opportunity for all, supporting my local school, What is government truly meant to be, raising Ittie to be an appreciative, active and respectful citizen that has a voice and thinks for her self and also about the group...No yelling from the bleachers here.. We are all players .
We hear the same mentality at work, on TV.. not good enough, can you believe she did that.. "This group is so bad, look at their incompetency"..
I have sat in the bleachers too.. having judgement.. at times throwing out my negativity in the winds that would carry it to whomever would listen. I have even framed it in the "well sometimes the truth hurts.. but reality is what it is."
I have also been the player on the field. The batter in the box, the coach, the worker, the manager, sister, aunt, consultant..wife, ex-wife, lover, ex-lover, Partner.. Mother.
What I am learning, have learned is that thinking before shouting is a good idea. That when my mother said if you don't have anything nice to say .. The message was truly about framing. Yes sometimes there is a bad call, a wrong that needs to be righted. Corrections to paths that are going astray. and in that when delivering the message Firmness is different from Meanness.
That yelling from the bleachers ..is just spreading negativity to the winds. Its like a sneeze in an airplane. Infectious and spreads quickly. It does nothing to make me a better person, does nothing to help the situation at hand. It doesn't bring peace, resolution, solidarity, gain. It just brings a caustic loudness that is painful to the soul and ones ears.
Yelling from the bleachers it does nothing .. hmm.. But players who have to be team-mates with people they don't like, runners who go back and help an opponent make it across the finish line. People who recover from their mistakes to come back and help the team win, and sometimes just finish or show up. Those are the people I admire.
I believe this metaphor, this experience, has influenced the way I look at leaders, success. I don't vote for the person who yells the loudest. I don't go for the "have to take a firm stand", no bi-partisanship, AKA no compromise, no getting along with people who have differences of opinion. How can we as a people of vast differences come together when we elect leaders who are rigid in their acceptance and actions. How can we be a team when the person we have raised up is one of the people that yells from the Bleachers and really isn't in the game.
When growing up playing sport, I was lucky. Our team (basic same group of softball players played together for about 8 years) had a block of parents that encouraged, clapped at our effort and our success. They picked us up when we were bruised battered and torn. When we showed "attitude" we were quickly reminded that this was about getting along, doing our job, with the Ref, the other team in some aspects, coaches and team-mates. The block of parents also weeded out the "Yellers." They would make statements like "don't listen to it.. Do your best.." Come on girls..There was always a pat on the back.
FYI: We did win the tournament, I believe 6 years out of the years I played and the other two we were runner up. Not back from 8-16. So the positive, the encouragement created an environment that we thrived in.
I admired these souls. These people who taught me as much about what it was to work in the real world, to manage, to participate to be an active member in my family, with my friends, my daughter.
As I look around to the world that I am raising Avery in, I wonder, probably as many of us have before me.. Are we taking steps forward or backwards? What is our morale compass? Who are the right leaders to continue to help our nation, our society be strong? How will we as the United States be united in respect, tolerance, growth? How will we be prompted to work with each other as a team? Because in this land of individuals .. We are are team.. Our individual performance and decision affects the group and the group affects the nation.. and in return. The guys yelling from the bleachers .. mostly are just hollow..
I am looking for a coach, a leader, someone in the game.. working to make a difference. Often these individuals are more quiet but stern, Thoughtful and take action when they need to. They tend to be about joining people.. not dividing people. Looking at the skills that are brought to the table .. not the reason why the person shouldn't be at the table. They utilize their players to make the team stronger.. Taking strengths to off set limits and they work to make the group stronger as a whole while still respecting the individual.
I am looking for that Coach in my leader this year. Someone with Vision.. Someone who can mentor, speak, change the plans/plays when they need to, surrounds themselves with wisdom. I am looking for depth, and wisdom. I am know I am in the game, I live it daily.. discussing with friends equal opportunity for all, supporting my local school, What is government truly meant to be, raising Ittie to be an appreciative, active and respectful citizen that has a voice and thinks for her self and also about the group...No yelling from the bleachers here.. We are all players .
Friday, August 3, 2012
Making of Memories the summer of 6
The sun takes its time setting at the front of the house.
Golden rays paint the barn, grass and trees.. their shadows stretching out long and slow their finale grandeur at the end of the day.
We are gathered in the grass between the barn and house.. Working.. talking, playing.. alternating between.
Ittie runs between puppy, kitten, chicks and ducks... To her swing set/ aka pirate ship and then she sees the first one in the dwindling light.. The lightning bug rises and the hunt is now on..
I have moved to my usual herding of the poultry. Harriet is joining me or finishing up the evening touches on our current project before she moves to the barnyard to close doors and find hidden roosted feathery beings.
Long days to slow evenings/ nights and Ittie gets to linger in the twilight running chasing and caught into the disappearing/ reappearing act of the magical fireflies.
These are her summer days and ours. It's a different view on this side of the fence. I I remember gathering fireflies and putting them in a mayo jar that I had punched holes in the lid with an ice pick.. I loved this time.. It was amazing the relaxed non scheduled freedom to be me and discover.. I love that Ittie is getting a similar experience.
Sitting on the stoop watching the stars. The sky is illuminated with pin points of twinkles with little interference from the city lights. The brilliance is amazing and the depth of the darkness interrupted creates the perfect balance for pondering of dragons and quests.
I watch Ittie and I am thankful for the opportunities that this extended break gives her. The freedom to be 6 and vastness to exercise that energy and imagination. Ittie has the opportunity of shows and plays with papa, time with her great aunt, horse camp, and the general day to day discovery, growth, courage and balance. Ittie has the opportunity of childhood memories.
Golden rays paint the barn, grass and trees.. their shadows stretching out long and slow their finale grandeur at the end of the day.
We are gathered in the grass between the barn and house.. Working.. talking, playing.. alternating between.
Ittie runs between puppy, kitten, chicks and ducks... To her swing set/ aka pirate ship and then she sees the first one in the dwindling light.. The lightning bug rises and the hunt is now on..
I have moved to my usual herding of the poultry. Harriet is joining me or finishing up the evening touches on our current project before she moves to the barnyard to close doors and find hidden roosted feathery beings.
Long days to slow evenings/ nights and Ittie gets to linger in the twilight running chasing and caught into the disappearing/ reappearing act of the magical fireflies.
These are her summer days and ours. It's a different view on this side of the fence. I I remember gathering fireflies and putting them in a mayo jar that I had punched holes in the lid with an ice pick.. I loved this time.. It was amazing the relaxed non scheduled freedom to be me and discover.. I love that Ittie is getting a similar experience.
Sitting on the stoop watching the stars. The sky is illuminated with pin points of twinkles with little interference from the city lights. The brilliance is amazing and the depth of the darkness interrupted creates the perfect balance for pondering of dragons and quests.
I watch Ittie and I am thankful for the opportunities that this extended break gives her. The freedom to be 6 and vastness to exercise that energy and imagination. Ittie has the opportunity of shows and plays with papa, time with her great aunt, horse camp, and the general day to day discovery, growth, courage and balance. Ittie has the opportunity of childhood memories.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)