I wake up cold sweat.. .... The grave chill still feels on my body. This time the dream about dark emptiness.. nothing.. the void.. My mind toys with me.. what if its true nothing after this life.. what if its not yours to have.. What if there are multiple lives but you don't remember anything so its as if you haven't lived before.. WHAT IF>>>>
I remind myself of my spirituality.. my beliefs.. I try to calm my inner psychosis that is going on.. and I tremble but feel some resemblance of calm settling back in.. The invisible hand lifts from my chest a little bit.
I know why I feel this way.. It is not about my eternal soul. It's about Harriet's diagnosis. It's about the health problems that loom over her and us and its my fear of life without her. The void is my dark lonely place.
My world is a much happier place with her. Not rainbows and unicorns.. OK maybe rainbows...(hmmm). Fulfillment is the word. Yet it is threatened and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I can coach, cheer, nag. I can cook the right things. But I can't control what is happening inside her. This for a control freak as myself. The puzzle solver that I am, a work around queen. A believer that there is always a solution. is a nightmare. My solution is acceptance and I am not there yet.
Acceptance..Damn that word.. not my forte. I have survived and moved ahead by challenging not accepting. I have embraced myself, found my love by not accepting the "rules" but my listening to my heart and using my head. So acceptance.. I growl.. I find it unsettling.
My mind shouts:.. She has worked so hard. she is trying.. This is not fair.. My anger at the reality.. Her heart is weak.. And life is forever different. It is unpredictable.. But these statements are true about everyday. However the statements of: you don't know from day to day.. I mean you could be here and gone the next, don't bring me peace.. It freaks me out.. I want to scream at the person.. I understand that .. you don't think I understand that I am living that scenario. But the metaphorical you could get hit by a bus is Harriet's heart. It's real and everyday I step off that curb knowing a bus is waiting.
I realize that my intense focus isn't helping. My cognitive realization isn't doing much to help settle the anxiety that is boiling up and over into my dreams and reality. So I search believing that more understanding will give me a better place to work from. I read the prognosis. The transition of the disease... This is not helping. I go and talk to my experts.. The solemn expressions.. The gravity to their tone.. not exactly soothing.. its just kindling to my already blazing worry.
Now I wish for ignorance.. but I can't turn back that clock and not that I really want the lack of knowledge, but I want the ability and freedom to not worry because I don't understand the magnitude of the situation. Just for a moment.
Do I think I am being dramatic about this.. yes.. do I believe the reality is severe? absolutely. Do I realize that by freaking out about Harriet's heart like I am is not helpful to either one of us.. on a second by second basis which truly makes me annoyed with myself. I know mind wrenching right..
I wish I was a better person in that I rise above this madness all the time to be there for the person I love. I have failed and honestly will fail from time to time again. I do what I can. I tell her ever day that I love her. I appreciate the moments for what they are and I dance with her when given the opportunity.. and I do love a good slow dance..
Ya that bus is out there.. but I am hoping it continues to stall... I will continue have this fear.. but with it I have my appreciation for the person I love.. I am lucky .. 3 years to 40 .. I don't know what we will have together.. I know it will be full of love, a bond that grows, strength and endurance.. I keep telling Ittie that bravery isn't the lack of fear its facing your fear and dealing with it.. So time to live that one for myself and Harriet.
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