Just not Having what it Takes.

In my childhood I remember one of the hardest moments for both myself and Mrs. Rhul was the moment I was cut from the Middle School Volleyball Team.   I played basketball, softball, took golf lessons, swam at the local quarry, ran middle school track (hurdles and relay), belonged to the bowling league on Saturday mornings..   I was a little jockette.. Sport I loved it..  Gym was one of my favorite activities in Middle school (except for the interpretive dance and tumbling).   

So here we stood in the hallway that I used to get to the stage for band practice.. the big age of 12.  My mentor, 6th grade basketball coach standing before. Binney.. I .. (she stammered a bit) I have to cut you from the team.   We both teared up a bit.  I was the only girl being cut.  My coordination and skills weren't there.  I would have made the team weaker, and I knew it.    But still rejection.. failure.. especially when coming from someone you respect and admire so much is hard.  

Mrs. Rhul though had another opportunity for me.. Manager.  I could be part of the team.  Just in supporting role, not on the floor.  I asked her if I could think about it.  Next day I accepted the offer. One which taught me alot about being behind the scenes, statistics, basic first aid, and responsibility.  Out of the failure and the grace of acceptance I found other opportunity.  This opportunity  lead to a position as Manager with the High school team and networked me in as a freshman.  Again before my first day of high school I already knew upper class men, and a couple teachers.  

The way Mrs. Rhul handled it was truly amazing.. Full of compassion, grace and truth.  I respected her that day more then before and still carry a high level of respect 25 years later.

I wonder what has happened that we try to shelter our children from this type of valuable lesson.  And on the flip side that when delivering such sensitive hard news we have turned to .. just rip the band aid off quick, so no pain.  It has become about the process not the emotion or heart.  Because the lesson I learned from Mrs. Rhul was about both sides of the coin.  Not only about sometimes the grace and opportunity of failure or just not having what it takes.. but also about letting someone know that maybe this isn't the best fit..

H and I were talking about children sports and were we bad mom's as we agonized at the length of the game that went on and watching the kids struggle.  How a walk around the bases was rewarded like a home run.  That at the end of the season all the kids got trophies.. Not just the first and second place teams.  Are we awful parents in the fact that we believe this is setting the kids up for false expectations in life.  When I walked I was told good eye.. when I was walked home.. it was not treated like as if I had stolen second or beat the throw.  There was a difference.. Yes I was told good job, a pat on the back for doing what was expected.. But the extra-ordinary was rewarded with a scruff on the head.. high fives..

Sport and play for children are to prepare them for life.  These activities are suppose to help them learn lessons that they can apply later in life. What are we teaching when we don't allow them to fail?  The flip side: What happens when we encourage them to congratulate others on their successes?  We teach them that often in life success and failure depend on that balance of power, grace, heart, skill and teamwork. 

When they succeed.  Do they do it with the humility knowing that many have contributed to their success.  Or do they rub it in the face of the "losers".    I wonder when watching college and pro sports as  players stand over other players in a warrior like stance.  Did they ever have a Mrs. Rhul.  Did they have a Mr. Hubenthaul that demanded 100 percent effort and heart. A Bilskie who laughed with us but pushed us to be great players and good women. All of these coaches allowed the feeling of success but also demanded respect for the other team and the effort that they put forth in the game.    Where are these lessons today.. What are we setting our children up for by giving everyone the trophy. 

I am OK with Avery not getting a medal.   She doesn't need a trinket at the end of sport.  She has the tshirt.  She also has me saying you did a great job Ittie.. Or It whats up tonight .. just not into it.. because your team needs you to be here.. The lesson sometimes its about more then just you.. its about how you affect others. 

I use sport and play as a reference for this.. However, I had many adults in my childhood that pushed these lessons.  My teachers were truly that.. teachers not just of the subject that they were 'experts" in but in life.  They pushed me when they knew I was sluffing and worked with me when I didn't get it.  I was rewarded with good work when I applied myself and just a grade when I did the expected.

Maybe I am just lamenting about the good ole days.. But I believe there is some value in the essence of letting children safely fall.  We as adults deal with alot of grief. Lots of bumps and bruises.  Why not do our kids a favor and help them get through it verses protecting them from it.  

OK Ittie.. lets get ready to get that ribbon in 4 H.. or not.. either way there is a lesson in for both of us.