40s. Not where I thought i would be

43 keeps buzzing in my mind.. where am I.. what does my life amount to?  Why do I wake up at 2:30 in the morning almost every morning and will this dark shading ever leave my eyes.. ??

It is an existential moment.. Ittie is 12 , Sam 29 .. Harriet and I have been together for 7 years.  I get that I am blessed.. it is not lost on me. maybe this is why I feel more stress today then I have ever..   Knowing what blessings I have in my life, knowing how fragile the balance is.  Knowing that we are struggling and succeeding at the same time..

It is in this avenue of existential crisis .. maybe its midlife that I am finding my new rebellion and voice.   I find myself reacting will righteous anger to the assumption that people on SNAP (Food stamps ) are takers.. That SSD and SSI are entitlements.  That medicare and medicaid are for takers not givers... beliefs.. conjectures..labels:  laziness, drug users, the degenerates of society, or only those deserving pity use these systems..

In my years of social work, most of the people I met that received subsidized assistance, were honestly hard working good people that were just trying to make it.  The local economy could no longer support them, they didn't have the money to move or the resources to move due to the higher cost of where the jobs were located.  These were people that got family, honor, blood and bonds. Church and God.   These are the same people I grew up with , the families that worked in the factories, until the factories left.  

We are each one step away from a catastrophe.. My family fully gets this.  When both Harriet and I were working, when all was well and magical.  We made 6 figures, going to Wolf Lodge for a weekend was easy a no brainer,    The girls had big Christmases, Birthdays .. We didn't stress.  There was enough money in the bank to survive the first 3 major crisis... We actually made it a year after the Quad Bi Pass without major issues financially.  Things were OK .. tighter but OK.

As it started to crash and we had to make decisions.. pay the credit card that you could pay 6 months ago or the Cardiologist .. You pick Cardiologist.   Meds.. or the second  house payment that we are trying to rent/ sale in a market that  was inundated with properties.  When meds with Insurance and coupons .. deductibles .. are 400 a month for one person .. and for two 500 add 3 we are at 600 .. Then add each copay for each specialist .. (there is about 4 visits to the Doctor per month).  This is all maintenance.   We actually have a primary physician who cares and is tracking H care, coordinating between the providers.  I contribute H's success to her grit and our continuum .. Do we give that up ? All evidence based practice says NO.. Coordination of care is critical to the added life expectancy of any one but especially those with chronic congenital issues. 

So when I hear people say this phrase:  "Live within your means.. "   I am  sick I am angry ..  I want to shout from the rooftops.. We did .. We were .. the debt was paid.. We had savings ..For the first time in years I had 3000 in mine .. H had over 20000 in hers.. ..When healthcare is 44% of your expenditures, when debt from buying the house.. debt we could pay when we both worked, when bankruptcy isn't an option because liquidation isn't an option due to rent being more expensive then our house payment and utilities. When you have too much equity but no credit  How do we live within our means??

So I sit back.. I discuss the benefits of a single payer system and then opt in insurance like other countries.   I believe we need to reform big "pharma"   I am for medical marijuana.. it could replace like 3 of the meds .. and have less side affects with more positive impact.  So I challenge and talk to whom ever I can get to listen and if you sense there is a passion of life or death for me.. Well there is .

My wife sits before me.. in pain.. trying to be the joyful, gritty soul she truly is.. but the pain takes over .. her heart the physical one.. doesn't fully deliver the blood and oxygen through the body like it is suppose to and her face pails.   I smile trying to be strong.. sometimes the anxiety crosses my face and I just end up annoying H.because I am too "can I do anything for you" .   She believes I see her as weak in these moments and it is more of a reflection of my helplessness.   i can't fix her heart.. I can't vanquish her pain.. and I am trying to fix what I can .Yes i hear the world on my shoulders cracking my back..    Other care-givers you get it .. Yes?   

So mid way into 43.. the first of my friends crossing the bridge to 44 .. our mid 40s .. this is not the place I had imagined my life being.. Of course many other 40 somethings are saying Preach.. we aren't were we imagined either.  Others will contribute my landing to poor choices.. I can own some of that until I met H.  

Now at 43.5  I have the world before me.. choices to make .. paths to be taken .. paths to say no to and never look back... I have 3 others that travel with me and my decisions are not my own.   I am blessed .. I have profound love, sense of connection and purpose.  I have a beautiful family.. I guess I truly struggle with what keeps every other 40 something up at night.. How do I continue to keep these people safe, when I fully understand how fragile and resilient life is ??