shared investment.

Ever have those moments in life that you turn around and go Wow.. against the odds we accomplished this.   How did this group come together and gel so well?

My team .A group of misfit Toys are pretty awesome.. This little brain trust of unique individuals.. I have my guy "Whiskey" the Tennessean James Bond.   My proper Mississippi Woman .. who loves to remind me that I don't truly make cornbread.. I make cake if sugar graces the top.  My La Nina. aka BAMA aka Pitbull, who ability to lead surprises herself sometimes.   The Bulldog" who calms my demeanor and uprising with the beginning of "Darling (g is missing) now.. "  There were the "boys"  .. Mr Romainia and my network goddess. 

The souls above were the core.. the essence.. with my Right hand being from BAMA and my left a smooth sip of Whiskey..  I asked.. and they answered.. they answered with diligence and loyalty.  They worked with soul and laughter.  While our quest was hard and fraught with an uphill race and challenges, they continued to endure, accomplish and give more.   I compared it to getting to the Eagles Nest. The team engaged each task and each gain.  The friendships came with the work.  Teasing and laughter shared joys and stress. 

When you put in 5 weeks worth of work in two weeks ..Time / days run into each other.. It becomes about the goals not the hours... . When all you have is each other at night and no energy to give but rely on a shared experience.When People are willing to share a bit of themselves, a bonds form.   Smiles stay.. Energy comes from no where except the share investment. 

We are all very different, in different places in our lives.  We each silently (or not) have our reasons for doing this work. We all chose this work to travel but everything has a cost.  Our cost is the following: An Aching pain:  It hurts to be away from those we love back home. We share the burden of that guilt and loss.  We get each others' moments of homesickness however it maybe expressed.  We each feel the pang of guilt that goes with enjoying the moment with each other, verses being on the phone, video chatting with our special someone be it sig other or child back home..  We each understand why often at the end of a 14 hour day its too much. Too much to rehash.. too much to try to explain.  Too much to give ourselves a different level and we understand the guilt we feel because we have no more energy to give to those we love at home.

We nod.  We say take some time.  We cover for each other.  My staff have threatened to ship me back to Muncie for a weekend.  (I was getting  grumpy)   BAMA has threatened/ promised to turn me into Harriet for not taking care of myself.  I was with this group when Harriet and Ittie were in a wreck while I was on the phone with Ittie.  (near miss of head on collision..) They looked at me and said if you need to go home "we got this".  It was the perfect answer to a mother/partner who just experience a terrifying event and only wanted to see and feel that both Ittie and Harriet were OK.  

This Band of Comrades.. team mates can look at me and say "we have this" and I with every fiber in my being know that they do.. I trust them implicitly with that saying.  I have no reason not to.. they have met the mark time and time again.

I didn't expect to walk away from this project missing people.  I honestly didn't expect the success that we have had. Don't get me wrong I expected us to get the project done.  I knew the road and path would be hard.  I knew I had two great people to help make that happen. Even if they didn't know that is what I had in-store for them.   I had hoped and strove for a smooth transition, to meet all of our goals. Successful go live with the normal amount of work tickets. But now as finish at the top of the game, we have  the standards for our sector with an amazing turn around time on results. 

 I walk away with friends and amazing  team-mates.I want to continue working with this group.. I have a vision of the great things we could accomplish.  But often as in life this chapter .. this moment is ending.  We are off to other assignments in 5 days. I find my self ecstatic to go home, sad to know that my next encounter won't be with them.


My Comrades have become part of my life tapestry.  I will carry them with me.. optimistic that our paths will cross again.  I am forever changed.. bettered by the shared investment in time.  I hope that I too have had such an impact.. , 

   

My Christmas present..

Today I get a call from school.. Life pauses.. It's Monday.. Ittie had her asthmatic black eyes Thursday through Saturday and they started looking better by Sunday.. I thought we had beat it.. but its the school calling.. crap.. I answer waiting to hear the .. "Gretchen.. Ittie.. "and it is the nurses voice on the phone.  The school nurse and I have become friends over the last three years.  Her in laws farm the land around us.  Ittie sees "J" and hugs her instantly. 

But this time it's different as I have the bit of anxiety that goes with the routine .. and packing my bag to get into the car .. just waiting to say the rudimentary "I am on my way".. J pauses me with .. "nothing is wrong."

I slowly say "ok" trying to remember what I may have forgotten or .. alright Avery had an accident but Jan is just calling to let me know.. He pants are ripped.. and a few other possibilities parade through my mind as a CNN banner..

J led on to say.. "I needed to tell you what Ittie said today"  OK now I am definitely peaked.. knowing about how Ittie likes to talk about the "mating" rituals of our animals on the farm.. I have been waiting for this call.. I brace myself..

And then it turns.. J goes on to tell me how during Inhaler time. Ittie and her classmate had stated they both had run ins with Santa this weekend.  J going along with it ask both Ittie and her little friend what was the one thing they wanted.. The boy stated he wanted a Clay set.. or something like that and then J said.. "Gretchen Ittie stated she wanted to spend more time with her mom and dad because that is what its about.. and after that she wants a Furby .. then Ittie reiterated if she had to have on thing though it would be the time."    J stated this made her cry and she had to share it.

I sat in awe.. so proud .. so touched..   both by Ittie's answer and J taking the time to call and share the story with me.  What a gift.. That's my Christmas.. right there. I don't know if it will be always like this.. I hope so.. I hope that we continue to foster this amazing attitude and wonder Ittie has toward life.  

I am thankful that I have a school for Ittie and the staff that love her and cares.. But honestly Ittie makes it hard for people not to like her.  She has that thing.. It radiates from her.. Her heart pours out.  I am lucky.  I am grateful for her presence in my life.

we bought work

The mix of clover, grasses.. misplaced plants otherwise know as weeds underneath my rubber soles glisten with a crisp cool dew.  Not the dew of summer that seems to mist the plant but the rounded full reflective cold droplets of fall .. water that is transitioning waiting.. to be called frost.  

I step forward.. leash on the pup that has entered our lives... walking her.. allowing her to finish her business I make steps toward starting the task of the morning chores.  Chickens out.. ducks.. Hay to horses.. Head count on the cats.. Jay.. Feline...Mac...Kittty KItty .. ahh there is my yellow tiger looking as the indignant ruler of the farm.  

The fields are flat.. It seems as if they were harvested way to early but truthfully it was right on time.   Oh how time flies.. there as wisps of stalks left from the soybeans that surrounded us.. Next year most likely corn.. 

I sweep a gaze .. Remind myself to take a trip down to the pond tonight after work..Something was there about 3:30 making noise and I would like to spy the tracks if any are left in the bank.. This will tell me if a trap is needed.  

The guineas are screeching.. its a very abrupt wake up alarm and I wish to get away from it this morn.. but they follow me to file their notice of alarm.  They are the neighbor hood watch or a group of Gladys Kravitz. yelling about every little thing..I imagine its something like this:  Hey the cat is over there.. do you know what he said to us, the horses nosed Julie over here..  What is that dog doing .. another dog.. the little dogs aren't enough.  The Turkeys are hogging all the food.. you aren't going to get a hog are you.... and so on..   I hasten my pace.. 

The barn is a true red against the golds, greens and browns that are evolving.  apples fall to the ground in the orchard.. The pond reflects a blue of the Fall sky and is highlighted as the cat tails stalks have been spun to gold.  

Bo neighs his impatience with my ponder and wishes me to return to the task.. which includes throwing the hay that now lays at my feet into the Paddock.  All 6 equine noses and ears are turned my way.. Each looking at me as if to say .. Hello umm yes its nice you are appreciating the world around you.. but about that delicious breakfast at your feet.. umm could you throw that over and then continue with your wonder.  

I throw the blades to the horses.. Doling them out in three piles The snorting and neighs stop replaced by a munching sound.. The pup is as far away from the fence as possible.  she doesn't really know what to think of the horses at this time other then fear.  Will have to work on that.. add that to the task list.. Fencing, insulating.. patching.. dog horse normalization... sand in barn , drainage.. fall mulching.. composting, worming.. I whisper one thing at a time as I picture the hand written piece of paper with the list appear.. 

Look around.. Look to the watch.. the read out lets me know i need to get a move on.. I walk back .. up the rickety stairs.. the one hand rail has come loose.. noted ..and its mental hand written form takes another line on the to dos.. 

My grandmother stated that we bought work when we bought the farm and she was right.. but at the end of the night and the list that grows and the animals that relay their needs and wants.. We also bought peace, ponder, a place to grow, learn.. love.. a bit of heaven for us.. 


 

End days..

I stare at her lying in the bed .  Oxygen hooked up and cannula placed in her nose.  Cath bag hanging from the side of the bed.  Her grey white hair straighter then I have ever noticed it.  The strands are thin but its depth is thick .. much like mine.. She smiles.. 

Ittie approaches the bed.. "Careful of those tubes Ittie.. don't step on them OK" .. escapes my throat in the most controlled voice I can muster..  I am looking at my hero.. and now I must be brave.. I know what my role is .."Why mama?" Ittie states with the innocent pondering look.  "Because if you step on them you could hurt Grandma.. they are attached to her" .. "Oh" is my answer and Ittie proceeds with caution but love.  

"OH it IS Avery.".. my grandma exclaims.. Ittie's head is over the side rail as she says hi and reaches out.  "You yelled at me the last two times I appeared with out her, think I was going to do that again. I do listen you know.." leaves my mouth with a hint of playfulness and a smirk across my lips.  For a moment its just us.. as it has always been a playful exchange.  

Ittie curiously looks around.. answers the questions about school, shows Grandma the new puppy,.. and then as normal for a girl her age squirms and starts looking uncomfortable...She journey's to the other room.  Hell I am uncomfortable.  Its hard to see Mary Myers frail.. vulnerable... bed ridden.. She is an icon of my life.. I remind my self of the normalcy of this .. a life long lived.  My duty to my grandmother.. and then the tears come.. She looks me in the eye and pats my hand...  I fight to hold back the flood I feel.. I am now the 7 year  old.. 12 .. 15 .. 21  27... and again she consoles my aching heart as always.. I play with her hair.. It's really the only thing I can do.. I am honest in my tears .. but I am disappointed in myself  for not being STRONG .. funny.. but I was honest.. 

I grieve .. yes my grandmother is alive and I am thankful.. thankful for the time we have.. the moment .. the love.. but I also grieve for the loss.. the loss of her freedom.. some of her sharpness... and if I am truly honest the loss of the image I have always had of her.   I grieve what I know is the road to come.. The hardships.. My heart and shoulders are heavy and sink... but this can only last for a little bit.. I look back to her.  

She fades from the present for a moment.. She looks at me.. and says .." that was?".. pointing to the direction that Avery left.. She is going through the names silently.. Grandma is doing her best to try to mouth which one of us she thinks visited..   "Avery, grandma.. that was Avery.. "     "Oh" slips out in a exasperated sigh.. She is looking tired.  Then with a quick return to present.. "what are you doing with another dog?"   I smile and laugh thankful for the gift of presence... "the dog found us.. and did you see the wee ones face.. do you want to tell her we shouldn't have it?"  .. She looks at me with a look of usual suspicion that is questioning my true motives.. "I guess not"  with as much of a haughty laugh she can handle.  

She is looking tired again.. She looks from the TV to me.. and her eyes dull.. her lids start to close.. I call Ittie in and lift her up to kiss grandma..  Itties voice rings true.. "I love you grandma"  .." I love you too my dear " is Mary's return..   I look her in the eye.. again I am now the 7 year old..  and state with an innocence and honesty straight from my soul " I love you grandma.. "   her answer.." I love you to my dear.."

I cling to that sound.. those words.. her image of love for me ..The wonderful gift of her being and the 39 years I have had to spend hearing her reprimand, banter.. love.. console.. Sharing  the woman who she was and is  .. I am lucky to share time with her in her end days be it  a few days  of a few months or years.. 

The Dance in the Gray.

On the sea of gray I move.. Today my journey's sound track is the echo of a violin with a piano.. Toying in the recesses of my mind.  The violin taunts the piano with its merry echo as the piano keys strike and then the echo drawing across the strings with hastened movement almost laughing at the roughness of the piano's steps and sound..

I weave and maneuver my way with the ebb and flow of this exchange.  Seeing what is before me and around me but pulled in by the tune and the play that is happening.. I see the players hands in my mind their mouths with the smirk as they play their lines in triumph only to have it echoed by the other.

I let myself feel the music.. and I continue forward.. Remembering that I have a task and end goal.  This path that I am on will lead to an ending with turning away from music wander and enter a world of tech, keystrokes, phone calls..   

For a few more moments though I am here.. absorbed in the very essence of the notes exchanging the tempo changes.. The dance..

I pull into my spot in the garage.. I hesitate to turn the key .. Just a few more seconds.. I feel the vibration and a small amount of irritation that it has begun before I even enter the doorway.  The key turns.. The dance ends and I traverse the last parts of gray on foot.. Buzz.. Hello.. this is Gretchen Speaking..

The Bus is out there.. watch that curb.

I wake up cold sweat.. .... The grave chill  still feels on my body.  This time the dream about dark emptiness.. nothing.. the void..  My mind toys with me.. what if its true nothing after this life.. what if its not yours to have.. What if there are multiple lives but you don't remember anything so its as if you haven't lived before.. WHAT IF>>>>

I remind myself of my spirituality.. my beliefs.. I try to calm my inner psychosis that is going on..  and I tremble but feel some resemblance of calm settling back in.. The invisible hand lifts from my chest a little bit.

I know why I feel this way.. It is not about my eternal soul.  It's about Harriet's diagnosis.  It's about the health problems that loom over her and us and its my fear of life without her.  The void is my dark lonely place.

My world is a much happier place with her.  Not rainbows and unicorns.. OK maybe rainbows...(hmmm). Fulfillment is the word.  Yet it is threatened and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.  I can coach, cheer, nag.  I can cook the right things.  But I can't control what is happening inside her.  This for a control freak as myself.  The puzzle solver that I am, a work around queen.  A believer that there is always a solution. is a nightmare.  My solution is acceptance and I am not there yet.

Acceptance..Damn that word.. not my forte.  I have survived and moved ahead by challenging not accepting. I have embraced myself, found my love by not accepting the "rules" but my listening to my heart and using my head.  So acceptance.. I growl.. I find it unsettling.

My mind shouts:.. She has worked so hard.  she is trying..  This is not fair.. My anger at the reality.. Her heart is weak.. And life is forever different.  It is unpredictable.. But these statements are true about everyday.  However the statements of: you don't know from day to day.. I mean you could be here and gone the next,  don't bring me peace.. It freaks me out.. I want to scream at the person.. I understand that .. you don't think I understand that I am living that scenario.  But the metaphorical you could get hit by a bus is Harriet's heart.  It's real and everyday I step off that curb knowing a bus is waiting.

I realize that my intense focus isn't helping.  My cognitive realization isn't doing much to help settle the anxiety that is boiling up and over into my dreams and reality.  So I search believing that more understanding will give me a better place to work from.  I read the prognosis.  The transition of the disease... This is not helping.  I go and talk to my experts.. The solemn expressions.. The gravity to their tone.. not exactly soothing.. its just kindling to my already blazing worry.

Now I wish for ignorance.. but I can't turn back that clock and not that I really want the lack of knowledge, but I want the ability and freedom to not worry because I don't understand the magnitude of the situation. Just for a moment.

Do I think I am being dramatic about this.. yes.. do I believe the reality is severe? absolutely.  Do I realize that by freaking out about Harriet's heart like I am is not helpful to either one of us.. on a second by second basis which truly makes me annoyed with myself.  I know mind wrenching right..

I wish I was a better person in that I rise above this madness all the time to be there for the person I love.  I have failed and honestly will fail from time to time again.  I do what I can.  I tell her ever day that I love her.  I appreciate the moments for what they are and I dance with her when given the opportunity.. and I do love a good slow dance..

Ya that bus is out there.. but I am hoping it continues to stall... I will continue have this fear.. but with it I have my appreciation for the person I love.. I am lucky .. 3 years to 40 .. I don't know what we will have together.. I know it will be full of love, a bond that grows, strength and endurance.. I keep telling Ittie that bravery isn't the lack of fear its facing your fear and dealing with it.. So time to live that one for myself and Harriet.

Life on the Farm .. The New Normal

Ahhh.. Stop him.. .. BUNNY.. get Jay.. NO RILEY.. BUNNY...

The little rabbit is now only sheltered by Harriet's hand as the dog flanks from the right and the cat from the left.  Harriet playing the role of the Pelican in Finding Nemo.. Just jump in my mouth aka hand bunny its your only chance.

A few minutes later Harriet is holding a baby rabbit with a bouncing Ittie and a bouncing Affenpinscher by her side.. both wanting to see the bunny for polar opposite reasons..

Harriet if we just find the "hole" we can put it back.. Me umm I think the hole was found and that is our survivor..  Rabbit looks nervously but takes the cuddles and pets.   So now the question.. what to do with the bunny that we just kept from being Jay or Riley's afternoon snack. 

"Harriet if you want it to survive we can put it in the last rabbit hutch and raise it until its bigger.. We have hay.. and sweet mix .  We have the bunny water bottles.". I get a look of really it should be let go.  I reply with. " If you let it go.. it will be dinner.".  Not that I disagree with her but the reality of effort that was just put forth to save the bunny makes it seem that we should continue on with this effort.  So now we have the rabbit with no name living in a hutch under a lean to.. another mouth to feed until she (yes we sexed the bunny) can be let go to free range.

This is our life on the farm.. A balance between trying to trap or shoot the muskrat that is digging holes in the side of our pond and destroying a resource to saving lives of the animals that we can save.  Raising animals to "consume" and raising animals for joy companionship and work.  I look at the turkeys that follow me when I come outside and feel a twinge of guilt of knowing what I am intending their future to be.  They look at me.. they peep.. They have personalities.. and they also have a purpose for this farm.. for this family for this business.. So as long as they are here they will be treated with dignity and grace and given treats and grains.. so they can enjoy the sun on their feathers and the dirt and grass beneath their talon feet.  Little feathered dinosaurs running around the acreage.. I pacify my guilt with the ideal of these turkey's have a life that is filled with Sun.. frolic and good food. Most Turkey's in this world unless wild don't get that.  Yes my friends its a justification but its the one that lets me sleep at night if I and my family are going to be a meat eaters.

I am signed up for shooting lessons to be a better shot.  We have a coyote issue in our area.  We also have had a few coons, a couple opossums in the barn.  These are varmints for us as we have lost some livestock to our local traveling predators.  My job is to protect our farm, our livelihood.   This task as nasty  as it may sound is done with a gun.   I must learn to use the tool and it is a tool around here.  As needed as a hoe, shovel, plow or bridle.  I believe that with such a lethal tool, I need to be able to be accurate and use it diligently and wisely so I have lessons with a local marksman.   Again.. it is not something that I am not overly proud about.  Its just the new normal. 

My new normal is dawning Muck boots over red and white plaid pajama bottoms as I go out in the morning remembering to try to find the PJ's without the whole in the butt so the neighbors don't see the moon rising in the morning.  Muck boots with shorts at night.. (its quite the fashion statement).

It's realizing that from the barn to the house when you have hydrated properly is a really long way .. So getting over a bit of public nudity is OK vs wet pants...If men can mark their corner so can I..

 My new normal is trying to help my daughter get over her fear of the geese when she  with other animals is fearless. Realizing that Ittie now believes cowboy boots go with every outfit including sport shorts.   Enjoying a good lightning bug hunt, a dream and story of clouds.  A discussion of constellations and their myths.

Coffee on the stoop in the AM  and a beer or glass of wine on the porch in the PM  Smell of grilled garden veges and the laughter that comes with a certain "simplicity" of life.   It's not easy.. As my grandmother said.. we bought ourselves a whole lot of work.  But at the end of my day.. I feel good.  I look upon the world .. and our corner of it.. sigh at the the baby bunny in the hutch.  Look at our 1000 lb yard ornament munching on grass.  The sigh I have is not one of resignation but of relaxation.  I am enjoying this new normal.. as crazy as it may be.. as distracting and sometimes messy .. It's what at the end of the day refreshes and enlightens me.. It's my zen .. It's my niche.. It's my normal..