She lays here quietly sleeping.. So hot to the touch but I continue to rub her bare back. She moans.. and aches.. I place the cold rice bag upon her neck.. making sure that it crosses the arteries. I am exhausted.
What time did this start.. 4:30.. OK not really last night she was a bit winy and then there was the complaint of the sore throat before bedtime. .." Go gargle Ittie .. " was my reply in the motherly voice that half took her seriously and half believed she was delaying bedtime. When will I learn to add up the scenarios
4:30 .. the looming feeling of something over my head.. a poke to my arm.. another.. "mama" in a hushed whisper. huh.. Ittie what time is it? I flip the phone over .. see the time.. 4:30 seems to glares out wincing my eyes at the harsh reality of time and brightness from the phone. Reality: it is way to early. the long breathe in..
"OK Ittie lets go back to bed" some how is pushed out by air from my lungs at a hushed voice. "mama..I don't feel good" I reach up feel her head.. Its cool.. a bit clammy but I write this off as I had adjusted the thermostat and Ittie is a famous cover tosser. She has perfected the sport.. Even to the point of tucking it in all around her and then finding her butt up in the air. Face sideways on pillow.. Sheet beneath her pulled up and covers pushed down.. At the thought of this picture.. this is why she is cooler. "OK Ittie , you don't feel hot, throat still sore.. probably post nasal drip" my inner voice finishes the rationalization you were playing outside today probably exposure to grass and such. All logical right. "mama I feel like I am going to throw-up" .. OK Ittie.. there is a bowl next to your bed figuring to myself if its post nasal drip nausea is possible.
Then it happens.. I hear the cry the cough.. the sound that is regurgitation.. and then the foot steps "Mama.. I just threw up.. " but I am getting up. She is a bit warmer of course this goes along with the up-chuck of the remainder of last nights meal. It was an easy night Kraft mac and cheese and applesauce. I am thankful for this both for her sake and mine. I dispose of the evidence.. Get out the thermometer.. Avery on queue opens mouth, lifts tongue.. insert device.. drops tongue and closes mouth. In a 10 count.. BEEP BEEP .. 99.9 with a yellow background. "I am yellow, she declares" Yep Ittie Yellow not bad but not great.. lets get some ibuprofen. I sloth down the stairs now mostly awake and trying to get my legs to realize that returning back to bed is not really an option.. The young pups bark at the creek the golden announcement to them that someone approaches to let them out .. Shhhh comes out of my mouth.. "not yet" They can't understand you is the thought that immediately goes through my mind. They don't get that she is sick upstairs and you are muddling through finding the ibuprofen.. I get the sacred med. and fumble through the everything utensil drawer looking for a medicine syringe. Found one awesome.. OK now back up the stairs.. Cry.. Cough.. regurgitation.. "Mama."..... ugh this is going to be a long day
I don't remember Harriet leaving for work. I remember my sick kid on the couch. Cartoons on.. Me trying to get her to sip some flat sprite. I called the school to inform them she wouldn't be in.. It's the principal he knows me by voice and name and immediately states "Avery ....s Mrs G.... not in today. I hope she feels better is the reply on the phone." "Me too is mine" as I look over to the limp noodle that has become my daughter on the couch. "mama I hurt.. my stomach hurts." Ok Ittie lets try a tums and see . munch munch.. she downs ones.. sips sprite.. 20 minutes go by she feels a bit better.. then the dash.. she doesn't quite make it.. "Sorry mama" Its OK Ittie you tried did you get it on you? So much for the sprite and tums. She goes between warm and clammy. moaning and somewhat watching TV.. Then to a crawl on my lap.. I hold her as if she were a babe again.. a 6 month old cuddled up.. I hold her close, stroke her head .. gently kiss it. Oh this child..
8:30.. thank god I can call... I get through on the second try. HI there.. This is Gretchen Binney, my child.. has been not able to keep anything down since 4:30. Can we come in today. I hear the secretary say ohh partially in empathy I suppose and partially in looking for a time. "I have a 4:20".. an answer that came with this is all I have and I know you wanted maybe needed something sooner. "We'll take it and if anything happens that worse, we have plan B. Plan B deals with going to the ER at a temp of 103 and or severe cramping. I am not getting her to hold anything down so the usual rotation of fever control isn't working today. She takes something 10 to 20 minutes both Avery and I are revisited by that which was once consumed. She bears the brunt of this. All I can do is comfort and think.. what next.. The day goes on. Ittie gets worse. Fever goes to 101 and doesn't come back down.. "Mama I am in the red, states Ittie with some concern" yes baby its red but just at the beginning of Red not late red so we are going to do this cool rice pack, wash rag.. no covers, and bare minimum to reduce how much heat is staying in your body.
"mama I am weak" and she shakes with the mug of water. I look at the time is 12.. Really 4 more ..$%^&*# hours.. OK its OK I tell myself. I put the cup down. Want me to read a book. "yes and a little smile. So I pull out a long story. It was about a pony who wanted to be with kids. Of course this is a good story its a kid friendly pony that wants kids to ride it. Ittie adds a question or observation here and there but mostly leans in. I am happy it gives me the illusion that I am protecting her more.. but truly it's an illusion .. Some microscopic bug viral or bacterial most likely is rampaging through her body. It's an internal war that I can only give support.
"mama stay up here with me" "ok Ittie.. and I start singing her lullaby. " I must admit it is an easy toon, and I make up part of the lyrics each time but she likes it and finds it soothing.. (not sure how I have heard my singing soothing is not quite the word I would use for it.. more like the gull from Little Mermaid.. and awkward squawk.. ) No Matter she likes and is falling asleep as I rub her back and stroke her hair.. She is hot and in pain. Her legs are cramping and she can't keep any liquid down. I am anxious and feeling helpless at the fact that I am waiting .. waiting for this magical time of 4:30 . Wanting magical powers to poof away the illness and pain.. The tingling of fear has just started. The fear that your kid is sick.. the one that works its way in with worry and fret. I push it back.
Harriet arrives home.. ahh some relief or another soul just to compare all the steps today with. All checks out. Then Ittie's dad calls. I had called several times today in-between things. He had left his phone in the car the night before. I have to say my last two messages were curt.. not mean but very direct.. Your child is sick, she is not at school, I need to know if you are going to take her to her Dr. appointment. It is his time with her so .. and we talk he comes out. picks Avery up. As she loads into the car. I give him the scenario the script of the day at least 3 times. "Makes sure to mention her legs are cramping and that nothing no liquid is staying down" "OK" he looks at me wearily but understanding.
I shut the door and they are off. We text while at they are at the Dr. Office. It's viral. so nothing to help make it go away quicker. If she continues to vomit then tomorrow the Doctor is having her hospitalized and of course if the fever shoots any higher and the cramping or symptoms get worse.. go to the ER tonight. Great so this could go either way in the next 24 hours.. Awesomeness..
8:30 PM.. Text received "she is keeping liquids down for an hour now" YAY... OK its a small thing.. but I know this means some absorption has happened in the small intestine. Phew I think.. I speak with her. She sounds weak. "I love you Ittie.." " I love you mama"
Maybe this is a story of love, of me being a neurotic, worrisome mom. Maybe both. I look back over the last 24 hours and the feelings and actions and all the emotions thoughts and behaviors that this experience contained. It was a microcosm of life. It is part of parenting. It is part of loving. Ittie is the force that grounds me, drives me and keeps me real. She forces me to pull out strengths that I didn't even understand I have had and patience that I needed. She tempers my fears with the need for rationality and calm. Every day, each moment I share with this wonderful being I am blessed and driven to be the best authentic me so I can be the best person for her, for me for my family.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Pirate Princess.
The Pink Princess strained to look over the vast plains around her.
Riley and Lilly by her side..
Lick ..
"Lilly" said with the joy of a child and the chagrin of a princess trying to concentrate on her surroundings.
To the pirate ship.. There in the midst of sea of green..Lay her ship. waiting to be boarded. The gust of wind whipped her shirt tails up around her with leaves of the season and pushed her onward as if to say .. It is a good day to sail my lady.
She ran.. leaving her four footed fury companions at the edge.. Mama, Harriet.... I am off to sail the pirate seas.. "Argg" is the sound from the garage where Mama and Harriet are having a deep discussion over the green grass cutting carriage. "Pirates" she says in amazement as she climbs up to the deck.. Her playset transforms into her ship and in an instant with her spyglass in hand she is sailing the seas of GBASH.
The winds batter the ship and The Mighty Pink Princess rocks to and fro.. PURRRR says Jay, her dusk grey first mate says as he leans on her for support. The clouds over head sail by in the blue sky and the golden rays cast down on them. A good day to sail it is ..
She saw the Island of Goat.. where Babs and Gabby made their home.. Quietly gnawing and chewing.. NAAAA they called out as she sailed by. HI BABS HI GAbby.. Next time I must remember to bring them treats Ittie thought. Jay Purred and they sailed on..
Land of the Cranky Roosters and their absent minded hens was next as they squawked and sqabbled. Avery loved to watch them but found the Roosters quite undesirable to spend any time with as they were persitently pushy and always on her heals.
Bob White BoBwhite was the salute from the Lavendare and Gray Guineas as she tore past.. Nervous foreign creatures they are however to take in. They could scale almost any summit, fly.. But they ran from here to there darting and weaving.. ducking and turning as they hunted for insects and bugs.
Suddenly if out of no where came the loudest haunting chill sending sound from the depths below.
HONNNKKKK .. HONNNNKKK .. Alarmed the pink princess sees her Nemesis .. GANDER the Gargantuan Goose.. As it wades through the green and squawks its evil call.
"YOU WILL NOT get me today .. you silly goose".. bellowed Ittie from the deck.."I know your willy ways and have come prepared". Ittie waves a stick in hand. Her last meeting with the goose did not go in her favorp; today it did not look good for the goose.
Sensing that the princess could not be taken today and seeing the mighty magical staff in hand.. one last HONKKKK was given and GANDER wandered on to find other quarry.
Wooo HOOO . with a Meow. was the conquering cheer as she rushed down the escape hatch to the dock below .. With a couple flips and flaps on the adjoining swings .. Ittie came back from the Seas to tell Lilly and Riley all about it. .
Mama emerged from the pirate hole.. with a red cap on that looked very curiosly like a pirate and Harriet sat up with black tar stained face and hands and a yellow cap...
How was your voyage captain.. spoke the pirate that looked like Mama..
"Mama and Harriet are Pirates" and a laugh came over the two women, "well I guess we are my lady and you must be a pirate princess sailing the seas and conquering geese... Was it a good adventure."
Yes it was .. said Ittie and she peered off over her kingdom to see what adventure was to be had next with Riley and Lilly by her side.
Riley and Lilly by her side..
Lick ..
"Lilly" said with the joy of a child and the chagrin of a princess trying to concentrate on her surroundings.
To the pirate ship.. There in the midst of sea of green..Lay her ship. waiting to be boarded. The gust of wind whipped her shirt tails up around her with leaves of the season and pushed her onward as if to say .. It is a good day to sail my lady.
She ran.. leaving her four footed fury companions at the edge.. Mama, Harriet.... I am off to sail the pirate seas.. "Argg" is the sound from the garage where Mama and Harriet are having a deep discussion over the green grass cutting carriage. "Pirates" she says in amazement as she climbs up to the deck.. Her playset transforms into her ship and in an instant with her spyglass in hand she is sailing the seas of GBASH.
The winds batter the ship and The Mighty Pink Princess rocks to and fro.. PURRRR says Jay, her dusk grey first mate says as he leans on her for support. The clouds over head sail by in the blue sky and the golden rays cast down on them. A good day to sail it is ..
She saw the Island of Goat.. where Babs and Gabby made their home.. Quietly gnawing and chewing.. NAAAA they called out as she sailed by. HI BABS HI GAbby.. Next time I must remember to bring them treats Ittie thought. Jay Purred and they sailed on..
Land of the Cranky Roosters and their absent minded hens was next as they squawked and sqabbled. Avery loved to watch them but found the Roosters quite undesirable to spend any time with as they were persitently pushy and always on her heals.
Bob White BoBwhite was the salute from the Lavendare and Gray Guineas as she tore past.. Nervous foreign creatures they are however to take in. They could scale almost any summit, fly.. But they ran from here to there darting and weaving.. ducking and turning as they hunted for insects and bugs.
Suddenly if out of no where came the loudest haunting chill sending sound from the depths below.
HONNNKKKK .. HONNNNKKK .. Alarmed the pink princess sees her Nemesis .. GANDER the Gargantuan Goose.. As it wades through the green and squawks its evil call.
"YOU WILL NOT get me today .. you silly goose".. bellowed Ittie from the deck.."I know your willy ways and have come prepared". Ittie waves a stick in hand. Her last meeting with the goose did not go in her favorp; today it did not look good for the goose.
Sensing that the princess could not be taken today and seeing the mighty magical staff in hand.. one last HONKKKK was given and GANDER wandered on to find other quarry.
Wooo HOOO . with a Meow. was the conquering cheer as she rushed down the escape hatch to the dock below .. With a couple flips and flaps on the adjoining swings .. Ittie came back from the Seas to tell Lilly and Riley all about it. .
Mama emerged from the pirate hole.. with a red cap on that looked very curiosly like a pirate and Harriet sat up with black tar stained face and hands and a yellow cap...
How was your voyage captain.. spoke the pirate that looked like Mama..
"Mama and Harriet are Pirates" and a laugh came over the two women, "well I guess we are my lady and you must be a pirate princess sailing the seas and conquering geese... Was it a good adventure."
Yes it was .. said Ittie and she peered off over her kingdom to see what adventure was to be had next with Riley and Lilly by her side.
Monday, October 8, 2012
words.. just words
“There exists, for everyone, a sentence - a series of words - that has the power to destroy you. Another sentence exists, another series of words, that could heal you. If you're lucky you will get the second, but you can be certain of getting the first.”
― Philip K. Dick, VALIS
In this day of the information super highway.. As I type these scripts together and they come to mean symbolize some recognizable "word". I organize them on this page into a sentence or thought and together create a message.
You read it.. Think it.. for a second internalize it and compare it to thoughts and other scripts that your have read.. As Mr. Morrocco use to sum up Analyzing over Accommodation= Integration..
Its a miracle that a few "symbols" in a rearranged orders can mean and send out millions of different messages. Can influence thought, attitudes, values, behaviors.
We have used them as weapons, we have used them to heal. We use them to get people to act to change thinking, behaviors, the world in which we live.
We transformed from a being that used grunts and utterances to a society across the world that uses thousands of symbols signs, languages to communicate intent, meaning, actions, non actions, trick, deceive, be honest, express humility, apologize, take down, build up, affection, love..
Words influence our thoughts our tolerance our behavior and our attitude and outlook of the world. If you don't believe me.. For a week try to use positive expressions. Don't cuss, grumble. Find the opportunity and see if you view life from the other side of the looking glass. Compliment people and things. Take measure of how you feel, your general outlook upon the world.. I am betting it will be a bit more positive.. maybe even smirkish... Word can changes who we are.
In this country .. land of the free.. including free speech.. at times I believe that we have forgotten how important and special words are. We throw them around without thinking of the consequences. We pair them with emotional pictures to "get our point across because we have the right to be heard".
While I agree with the concept. I believe we have forgotten the responsibility that goes with this freedom. There are reason there are liable and slander laws. Just because we can say it, we can print it, we can broadcast it again goes back to doesn't mean we should. And if we do we have the utmost responsibility to use the words with the gravity that goes along with the freedom that we hold so dear.
How we present ourselves, with these scripts that can be rearrange to thousands of different iconic symbols and meanings, thoughts and beliefs. How we read, interpret, and go forth with action.. Are all interdependent.
Right now what I see is a montage of angry words, fear and frustration and honestly rightly so. However, I have never known a person, a group or society to progress when this is the place that they continue to work from. I have seen this be motivation to lead to great discussions and discourse. but I have also noticed lately instead of discussion it seems to be leading to more of polarization. And honestly this is what scares me.
The words symbolizing, hate, blame, anger.. groups gathering behind them using them to move the masses "live lions running buffalo". FYI I believe this happens all over on both sides of the political arena before anyone believes I am taking a leftist approach.
I want honest discourse. Lets talk about why we believe what we do, lets talk about the history and real values that we have in this country. Lets work together and use our words to unite people and protect people verse divide conquer and "let the majority win" Because the truth about the majority today is that at some point in time it won't be the majority tomorrow.. and then what.
Lets use words to bring us together, motivate us to work to build and unite then tear down. Lets be humble about our limitations and weaknesses and utilize our strengths. Lets call out to the soon to be leaders that we aren't buying into the hype and the words on either side that try to scare us and make us angry.. We are looking for something that is honest, has integrity and protects everyone in this country because we all bring something to the table. We all have a voice. We all have this symbols..We all have value. Truly let us use our words.. and the power that they have. And while we have all had words to tear us down may this be a future of words, sentences and actions to move us forward and heal us..
― Philip K. Dick, VALIS
In this day of the information super highway.. As I type these scripts together and they come to mean symbolize some recognizable "word". I organize them on this page into a sentence or thought and together create a message.
You read it.. Think it.. for a second internalize it and compare it to thoughts and other scripts that your have read.. As Mr. Morrocco use to sum up Analyzing over Accommodation= Integration..
Its a miracle that a few "symbols" in a rearranged orders can mean and send out millions of different messages. Can influence thought, attitudes, values, behaviors.
We have used them as weapons, we have used them to heal. We use them to get people to act to change thinking, behaviors, the world in which we live.
We transformed from a being that used grunts and utterances to a society across the world that uses thousands of symbols signs, languages to communicate intent, meaning, actions, non actions, trick, deceive, be honest, express humility, apologize, take down, build up, affection, love..
Words influence our thoughts our tolerance our behavior and our attitude and outlook of the world. If you don't believe me.. For a week try to use positive expressions. Don't cuss, grumble. Find the opportunity and see if you view life from the other side of the looking glass. Compliment people and things. Take measure of how you feel, your general outlook upon the world.. I am betting it will be a bit more positive.. maybe even smirkish... Word can changes who we are.
In this country .. land of the free.. including free speech.. at times I believe that we have forgotten how important and special words are. We throw them around without thinking of the consequences. We pair them with emotional pictures to "get our point across because we have the right to be heard".
While I agree with the concept. I believe we have forgotten the responsibility that goes with this freedom. There are reason there are liable and slander laws. Just because we can say it, we can print it, we can broadcast it again goes back to doesn't mean we should. And if we do we have the utmost responsibility to use the words with the gravity that goes along with the freedom that we hold so dear.
How we present ourselves, with these scripts that can be rearrange to thousands of different iconic symbols and meanings, thoughts and beliefs. How we read, interpret, and go forth with action.. Are all interdependent.
Right now what I see is a montage of angry words, fear and frustration and honestly rightly so. However, I have never known a person, a group or society to progress when this is the place that they continue to work from. I have seen this be motivation to lead to great discussions and discourse. but I have also noticed lately instead of discussion it seems to be leading to more of polarization. And honestly this is what scares me.
The words symbolizing, hate, blame, anger.. groups gathering behind them using them to move the masses "live lions running buffalo". FYI I believe this happens all over on both sides of the political arena before anyone believes I am taking a leftist approach.
I want honest discourse. Lets talk about why we believe what we do, lets talk about the history and real values that we have in this country. Lets work together and use our words to unite people and protect people verse divide conquer and "let the majority win" Because the truth about the majority today is that at some point in time it won't be the majority tomorrow.. and then what.
Lets use words to bring us together, motivate us to work to build and unite then tear down. Lets be humble about our limitations and weaknesses and utilize our strengths. Lets call out to the soon to be leaders that we aren't buying into the hype and the words on either side that try to scare us and make us angry.. We are looking for something that is honest, has integrity and protects everyone in this country because we all bring something to the table. We all have a voice. We all have this symbols..We all have value. Truly let us use our words.. and the power that they have. And while we have all had words to tear us down may this be a future of words, sentences and actions to move us forward and heal us..
Monday, September 24, 2012
Cold Hands
My hands are cold on my face.. The water drops seem thickened as they glimmer in the morning sun.. Tiny pools caught somewhere between ice and water. I love this time of year.
This signals something in me.. A need to move a time of change. Action.
The Case International has made a couple passes in the corn field across the road.
The cats fur is becoming a bit thicker and dense.
The turkeys.. it is time to make some phone calls about our four male turkeys.
We are purging all that is not needed for the winter months. Stuff to be moved, sold, thrown out .. goes.. Everything else needs to be insulated, packed away .. saved..
I look at the barn.. Think we have a month. Finish the roofing repairs, get the doors on. Electricity to that barn will have to happen next year. Look to the small barns and start thinking of the path for the trench that will hold the conduit for the electric line and for plumbing.
Gaze at the pond wondering when I will get to sink a line in the coming days.. will I have time. The little row boat needs to be moved to the pole barn and put up for winter
There are lots of projects to be finished in the coming days. Lots of work to be done in the dwindling daylight and into the twilight hours.
Warm drinks to be enjoyed, soups to be tried and tested. Camp fires to be started a place to warm up while moving around outside. A place to stare and loose your thoughts and worries into the flames..
Ittie is in change also. From K to 1st. Her thoughts, her actions, her knowledge move and change like this season. Her ability to ponder and discuss with her bounding imagination and indulgence in humor flavors the soul with an essence that leaves me savoring each moment with her.
"Mama".. yes Ittie.."what does the mama tomato say to the baby tomato"... what Ittie.. "Catsup" A giggle and smile of an imp comes out of her as I can't help but smile back and be proud of the punch line.
The wind blows and the sounds of the metal roof, banging wood, wisping corn stalks, raking tree limbs, thuds of apples falling from trees, ducks quacking is the symphony that fills the air..
Ittie, Sam Harriet and I live in this spot.. This moment in time. Our bit of Heaven on Earth. I move to pick up kindling and stack it next to the wood pile. Smell the earth, take in the low orange waves that are appearing on the horizon. Breathe deep.. Feel my cold hands.. How I love this time of year.
This signals something in me.. A need to move a time of change. Action.
The Case International has made a couple passes in the corn field across the road.
The cats fur is becoming a bit thicker and dense.
The turkeys.. it is time to make some phone calls about our four male turkeys.
We are purging all that is not needed for the winter months. Stuff to be moved, sold, thrown out .. goes.. Everything else needs to be insulated, packed away .. saved..
I look at the barn.. Think we have a month. Finish the roofing repairs, get the doors on. Electricity to that barn will have to happen next year. Look to the small barns and start thinking of the path for the trench that will hold the conduit for the electric line and for plumbing.
Gaze at the pond wondering when I will get to sink a line in the coming days.. will I have time. The little row boat needs to be moved to the pole barn and put up for winter
There are lots of projects to be finished in the coming days. Lots of work to be done in the dwindling daylight and into the twilight hours.
Warm drinks to be enjoyed, soups to be tried and tested. Camp fires to be started a place to warm up while moving around outside. A place to stare and loose your thoughts and worries into the flames..
Ittie is in change also. From K to 1st. Her thoughts, her actions, her knowledge move and change like this season. Her ability to ponder and discuss with her bounding imagination and indulgence in humor flavors the soul with an essence that leaves me savoring each moment with her.
"Mama".. yes Ittie.."what does the mama tomato say to the baby tomato"... what Ittie.. "Catsup" A giggle and smile of an imp comes out of her as I can't help but smile back and be proud of the punch line.
The wind blows and the sounds of the metal roof, banging wood, wisping corn stalks, raking tree limbs, thuds of apples falling from trees, ducks quacking is the symphony that fills the air..
Ittie, Sam Harriet and I live in this spot.. This moment in time. Our bit of Heaven on Earth. I move to pick up kindling and stack it next to the wood pile. Smell the earth, take in the low orange waves that are appearing on the horizon. Breathe deep.. Feel my cold hands.. How I love this time of year.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Me and Faith... a road full of bumps, curves, and still being traveled.
First off: Note this entirely personal. Not a comment made to be bashed, thrown around idealized.. It's my philosophical journey. It is rooted in several different experiences, views, feelings and interpretations. This solely represents MY FAITH, SPIRITUALITY. VIEWS and Beliefs. So before journeying on into this written endeavour to weed out some of my philosophy and driving force on life.. Please free your mind enough to see that.. if you can't and you journey on or stop. Either way I am looking for discourse.. Because I believe through challenge and discussion we can find understanding, tolerance, truth.. or at least a path to civility.
I remember being 10.. crossing the street and thinking.. "if there is a God, then this God does not care about me and so I don't care about this GOD. IE God doesn't exist." It was an interesting time in the least at my house. My father had left for the second time in my life. All my siblings were away. Carl and Suzanne at College, Mike was out in the real world. I was home with Mom. What I saw at times was a woman broken. A woman who prayed and there was "no deliverance" for me, her, US.. I would go home to find her curled up in such despair that she was unreachable. Checked out.. At times she would snap out of it.. and be vested but alot of this time was alone and in my head. My father came back, chaos remained and I went along silently.
15 .. dad left for the last time. Mom broke permanently. Her saving place was church so I drove her there. It was a great way to practice driving. What I didn't know is how badly I needed to feel loved. The church, my friends, "god" gave that to me. I became a real Bible thumper for about 2 years until my youth pastor and I got into a discussion about my mother -her boyfriend and that by her having Sex out of Marriage with him and she did not ask for forgiveness this would mean she would go to Hell. Now I could think of many of the reasons / fights both my Mother and I should both feel the flames of fiery torment.. I mean the screaming matches we had, the abuse, the depression and suicide attempts.. But God would DAMN her for feeling and ounce of love toward a man that loved her back.. Hello Angry 10 year old.. I rejected the youth pastor.. Not God this time.. But I also started questioning the "Conservative rigid" side of FAITH, Religion.. ideals.
For example: If everyone is suppose to be Christian by God's order. Then why are there baby Buddhist, Muslims, Jews, Jains, Hindu's. God creates everyone as they are suppose to be created yes?? If Christianity is the faith of the world.. Why did Buddhism develop go on for so long and continue and well be separated by some of the tallest, highest most treacherous mountains in the world. God created the world correct, nature.. its all in his/her plan.. So therefore Buddhism, Hinduism , Judaisms had to have a place in this plan. ..
If we are all god's children and God loves us as a parent/ creator loves the world. Then isn't god's saving power to all of us not just through one messenger. I mean if Avery isn't listening I engage others, people of influence in her life to help. In the end I want her to contribute good to the world, stay healthy, love, be kind, responsible. Isn't this most hope of parents for most Children.. So if God is acting like a parent isn't that what God wants for everyone be the various belief systems that get us there??
If you can't tell I still play with these thoughts and tenants.. They drive me.. encourage me.
If we just focus on the reward of eternal life and not the life lived aren't we missing the point??? It's like Avery focusing on the GIFT at Christmas and not the reason for giving.
I found a church in College and a ministry couple and family that adopted me and my curiosity. The Lesson that I hear in my brain today 15 years later is the responsibility of a Christian is to find out how god is working in their life on a daily basis. "Thank you Brenda". It's a mantra that is said silently subconsciously.
I had friends of various religious backgrounds, ethnicity's, and sexuality and one of the best "CHRISTIANs" i ever have known happens to be extremely Jewish.. She is sweet, brilliant, kind,compassionate, and driven. I strive to have some of her kindness, thought and temperament in my life. Some would label:"it is Christ like" It is who she is.. born jewish, raised jewish and like many of us, her faith is part of her but not her entirety. I am blessed to have her as a friend. Some have answered it is my job to "save her", I have answered maybe it is she who is saving us.
I left college with the plan to go into ministry. And then I got married which actually was a bigger risk for me. During that time while I was going through candidate process the United Methodist Church banned three Ministers for performing Same Sex Marriages. I dropped out of the ministry route. How could I support an organization that excluded verses included. How could they deny the love of two consenting adults for one another and how could they ever accept me a Bi-Sexual Minister teaching about God's love and acceptance and forgiveness. Where was the GRACE in this?
I went to social work. I worked with dual diagnosis adults, homelessness and domestic violence. Addicts, geriatrics, at risk youth, boys detention/ counseling center for young families, and prevention programs for young mothers and fathers. What I learned: I became extremely jaded to shield myself from some of the atrocity's of this country where our biggest problem is exclusion. That religion can be an addiction, that many churches used the acceptance of god to give relief to the needy and that I really respect the local Catholic Charities at that time that said all people deserve to be safe, clothed and fed. God wasn't in the show but the need for power, control, feeling better then others was. Be it a mother quoting scripture to me about why I needed to support the less fortunate when she had spent money on cigarettes instead of diapers and spanked her child after he threw a chair during Jerry Springer, or the organization that chose to make women attend Bible study twice a week before giving them groceries for the month. The use of God as a weapon a tool to gain was everywhere..
I left religion, I left social work.. I went to computers and got divorced. I invested in friends, and created a family. I have had and do discuss God the Bible, truth meaning, it's actually one of my favorite discussions. I like to know why people believe what they believe, Sometimes its family of origin, safety, needing a 12 step plan to get the reward at the end, sometimes it an I am right issue. Sometimes its truly just faith, belief, interpersonal drive, quiet code that isn't discussed.. I have in my life those who I consider Authentic.. by that I mean they live a life because it is them and to the core know.. Be it Science, be it Christ, be it a mingling of church, family, friends.
Over time my belief of SIN is something based on selfishness.Honestly the MOP rules come to mind. Does it harm myself, others, property.. It focuses just on personal gain in no regards for all those that it affects. Be it addiction, hoarding, sex, religion, words.. and to that belief, I have sinned , i do sin and I am trying my best to lesson it on a daily basis, ask forgiveness of those I have wronged and move on with a life of authenticity by being aware, trying to make a difference in choices I make, behaviors I chose, and the way I interact with the world around.
I recognize the creation before me, the life as a gift and the wonderful souls that I am blessed to have time to share these journey's around the sun with. I have a child against the scientific odds and she is the best life changing choice I have had to make.. And in all this I find GRACE..
When going through the divorce I found myself one night curled up in a ball on the floor feeling pain shoot out from my heart to my finger tips.. My soul was crying out. It was so immense and intense that at that moment I knew why people took their own lives. If this was an inkling of what they felt.... My dog came over with a gooey raw hide and dropped in on my head.. I pushed it away.. Again Connor dropped it.. I prayed silently for strength, for endurance, for wisdom. Connor licked my face and the pain subsided and I felt calm. Not pain free but calm. In this moment with my dog's love and strength I also felt "God" and was reminded that I have everything I need to make it in this life. LOVE, Strength, Endurance, Kindness and Compassion. and the discipline to lift myself up off the floor, wipe me off and go take my dog for a walk.
I have many healing moments like this, with Atheist Scientific friends, huggers, non-huggers who spontaneously hugged, pick me ups, moments of stark reality. In all of this I find the connection, I find "God". I claim Christianity as my base of Faith not for the "Gift at the End" but because I find the walk of the life worth living. I find Compassion, Tolerance, Love, Discipline, Seeing past the muck and the grime toward the worth and the potential and encouraging people to be that as what we are suppose to be doing, no matter who we are.
It is the mantra in the daily of my life. It is my code..my value. It is my journey, my faith.
I remember being 10.. crossing the street and thinking.. "if there is a God, then this God does not care about me and so I don't care about this GOD. IE God doesn't exist." It was an interesting time in the least at my house. My father had left for the second time in my life. All my siblings were away. Carl and Suzanne at College, Mike was out in the real world. I was home with Mom. What I saw at times was a woman broken. A woman who prayed and there was "no deliverance" for me, her, US.. I would go home to find her curled up in such despair that she was unreachable. Checked out.. At times she would snap out of it.. and be vested but alot of this time was alone and in my head. My father came back, chaos remained and I went along silently.
15 .. dad left for the last time. Mom broke permanently. Her saving place was church so I drove her there. It was a great way to practice driving. What I didn't know is how badly I needed to feel loved. The church, my friends, "god" gave that to me. I became a real Bible thumper for about 2 years until my youth pastor and I got into a discussion about my mother -her boyfriend and that by her having Sex out of Marriage with him and she did not ask for forgiveness this would mean she would go to Hell. Now I could think of many of the reasons / fights both my Mother and I should both feel the flames of fiery torment.. I mean the screaming matches we had, the abuse, the depression and suicide attempts.. But God would DAMN her for feeling and ounce of love toward a man that loved her back.. Hello Angry 10 year old.. I rejected the youth pastor.. Not God this time.. But I also started questioning the "Conservative rigid" side of FAITH, Religion.. ideals.
For example: If everyone is suppose to be Christian by God's order. Then why are there baby Buddhist, Muslims, Jews, Jains, Hindu's. God creates everyone as they are suppose to be created yes?? If Christianity is the faith of the world.. Why did Buddhism develop go on for so long and continue and well be separated by some of the tallest, highest most treacherous mountains in the world. God created the world correct, nature.. its all in his/her plan.. So therefore Buddhism, Hinduism , Judaisms had to have a place in this plan. ..
If we are all god's children and God loves us as a parent/ creator loves the world. Then isn't god's saving power to all of us not just through one messenger. I mean if Avery isn't listening I engage others, people of influence in her life to help. In the end I want her to contribute good to the world, stay healthy, love, be kind, responsible. Isn't this most hope of parents for most Children.. So if God is acting like a parent isn't that what God wants for everyone be the various belief systems that get us there??
If you can't tell I still play with these thoughts and tenants.. They drive me.. encourage me.
If we just focus on the reward of eternal life and not the life lived aren't we missing the point??? It's like Avery focusing on the GIFT at Christmas and not the reason for giving.
I found a church in College and a ministry couple and family that adopted me and my curiosity. The Lesson that I hear in my brain today 15 years later is the responsibility of a Christian is to find out how god is working in their life on a daily basis. "Thank you Brenda". It's a mantra that is said silently subconsciously.
I had friends of various religious backgrounds, ethnicity's, and sexuality and one of the best "CHRISTIANs" i ever have known happens to be extremely Jewish.. She is sweet, brilliant, kind,compassionate, and driven. I strive to have some of her kindness, thought and temperament in my life. Some would label:"it is Christ like" It is who she is.. born jewish, raised jewish and like many of us, her faith is part of her but not her entirety. I am blessed to have her as a friend. Some have answered it is my job to "save her", I have answered maybe it is she who is saving us.
I left college with the plan to go into ministry. And then I got married which actually was a bigger risk for me. During that time while I was going through candidate process the United Methodist Church banned three Ministers for performing Same Sex Marriages. I dropped out of the ministry route. How could I support an organization that excluded verses included. How could they deny the love of two consenting adults for one another and how could they ever accept me a Bi-Sexual Minister teaching about God's love and acceptance and forgiveness. Where was the GRACE in this?
I went to social work. I worked with dual diagnosis adults, homelessness and domestic violence. Addicts, geriatrics, at risk youth, boys detention/ counseling center for young families, and prevention programs for young mothers and fathers. What I learned: I became extremely jaded to shield myself from some of the atrocity's of this country where our biggest problem is exclusion. That religion can be an addiction, that many churches used the acceptance of god to give relief to the needy and that I really respect the local Catholic Charities at that time that said all people deserve to be safe, clothed and fed. God wasn't in the show but the need for power, control, feeling better then others was. Be it a mother quoting scripture to me about why I needed to support the less fortunate when she had spent money on cigarettes instead of diapers and spanked her child after he threw a chair during Jerry Springer, or the organization that chose to make women attend Bible study twice a week before giving them groceries for the month. The use of God as a weapon a tool to gain was everywhere..
I left religion, I left social work.. I went to computers and got divorced. I invested in friends, and created a family. I have had and do discuss God the Bible, truth meaning, it's actually one of my favorite discussions. I like to know why people believe what they believe, Sometimes its family of origin, safety, needing a 12 step plan to get the reward at the end, sometimes it an I am right issue. Sometimes its truly just faith, belief, interpersonal drive, quiet code that isn't discussed.. I have in my life those who I consider Authentic.. by that I mean they live a life because it is them and to the core know.. Be it Science, be it Christ, be it a mingling of church, family, friends.
Over time my belief of SIN is something based on selfishness.Honestly the MOP rules come to mind. Does it harm myself, others, property.. It focuses just on personal gain in no regards for all those that it affects. Be it addiction, hoarding, sex, religion, words.. and to that belief, I have sinned , i do sin and I am trying my best to lesson it on a daily basis, ask forgiveness of those I have wronged and move on with a life of authenticity by being aware, trying to make a difference in choices I make, behaviors I chose, and the way I interact with the world around.
I recognize the creation before me, the life as a gift and the wonderful souls that I am blessed to have time to share these journey's around the sun with. I have a child against the scientific odds and she is the best life changing choice I have had to make.. And in all this I find GRACE..
When going through the divorce I found myself one night curled up in a ball on the floor feeling pain shoot out from my heart to my finger tips.. My soul was crying out. It was so immense and intense that at that moment I knew why people took their own lives. If this was an inkling of what they felt.... My dog came over with a gooey raw hide and dropped in on my head.. I pushed it away.. Again Connor dropped it.. I prayed silently for strength, for endurance, for wisdom. Connor licked my face and the pain subsided and I felt calm. Not pain free but calm. In this moment with my dog's love and strength I also felt "God" and was reminded that I have everything I need to make it in this life. LOVE, Strength, Endurance, Kindness and Compassion. and the discipline to lift myself up off the floor, wipe me off and go take my dog for a walk.
I have many healing moments like this, with Atheist Scientific friends, huggers, non-huggers who spontaneously hugged, pick me ups, moments of stark reality. In all of this I find the connection, I find "God". I claim Christianity as my base of Faith not for the "Gift at the End" but because I find the walk of the life worth living. I find Compassion, Tolerance, Love, Discipline, Seeing past the muck and the grime toward the worth and the potential and encouraging people to be that as what we are suppose to be doing, no matter who we are.
It is the mantra in the daily of my life. It is my code..my value. It is my journey, my faith.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Yelling from the Bleachers.. or Get in the Game
BLHAH BLAH.. Get in there, BAD Call .. BOOO HISSS.. Yells the parent, the fan, you know the guy next to you in the bleachers. Or maybe its you.
We hear the same mentality at work, on TV.. not good enough, can you believe she did that.. "This group is so bad, look at their incompetency"..
I have sat in the bleachers too.. having judgement.. at times throwing out my negativity in the winds that would carry it to whomever would listen. I have even framed it in the "well sometimes the truth hurts.. but reality is what it is."
I have also been the player on the field. The batter in the box, the coach, the worker, the manager, sister, aunt, consultant..wife, ex-wife, lover, ex-lover, Partner.. Mother.
What I am learning, have learned is that thinking before shouting is a good idea. That when my mother said if you don't have anything nice to say .. The message was truly about framing. Yes sometimes there is a bad call, a wrong that needs to be righted. Corrections to paths that are going astray. and in that when delivering the message Firmness is different from Meanness.
That yelling from the bleachers ..is just spreading negativity to the winds. Its like a sneeze in an airplane. Infectious and spreads quickly. It does nothing to make me a better person, does nothing to help the situation at hand. It doesn't bring peace, resolution, solidarity, gain. It just brings a caustic loudness that is painful to the soul and ones ears.
Yelling from the bleachers it does nothing .. hmm.. But players who have to be team-mates with people they don't like, runners who go back and help an opponent make it across the finish line. People who recover from their mistakes to come back and help the team win, and sometimes just finish or show up. Those are the people I admire.
I believe this metaphor, this experience, has influenced the way I look at leaders, success. I don't vote for the person who yells the loudest. I don't go for the "have to take a firm stand", no bi-partisanship, AKA no compromise, no getting along with people who have differences of opinion. How can we as a people of vast differences come together when we elect leaders who are rigid in their acceptance and actions. How can we be a team when the person we have raised up is one of the people that yells from the Bleachers and really isn't in the game.
When growing up playing sport, I was lucky. Our team (basic same group of softball players played together for about 8 years) had a block of parents that encouraged, clapped at our effort and our success. They picked us up when we were bruised battered and torn. When we showed "attitude" we were quickly reminded that this was about getting along, doing our job, with the Ref, the other team in some aspects, coaches and team-mates. The block of parents also weeded out the "Yellers." They would make statements like "don't listen to it.. Do your best.." Come on girls..There was always a pat on the back.
FYI: We did win the tournament, I believe 6 years out of the years I played and the other two we were runner up. Not back from 8-16. So the positive, the encouragement created an environment that we thrived in.
I admired these souls. These people who taught me as much about what it was to work in the real world, to manage, to participate to be an active member in my family, with my friends, my daughter.
As I look around to the world that I am raising Avery in, I wonder, probably as many of us have before me.. Are we taking steps forward or backwards? What is our morale compass? Who are the right leaders to continue to help our nation, our society be strong? How will we as the United States be united in respect, tolerance, growth? How will we be prompted to work with each other as a team? Because in this land of individuals .. We are are team.. Our individual performance and decision affects the group and the group affects the nation.. and in return. The guys yelling from the bleachers .. mostly are just hollow..
I am looking for a coach, a leader, someone in the game.. working to make a difference. Often these individuals are more quiet but stern, Thoughtful and take action when they need to. They tend to be about joining people.. not dividing people. Looking at the skills that are brought to the table .. not the reason why the person shouldn't be at the table. They utilize their players to make the team stronger.. Taking strengths to off set limits and they work to make the group stronger as a whole while still respecting the individual.
I am looking for that Coach in my leader this year. Someone with Vision.. Someone who can mentor, speak, change the plans/plays when they need to, surrounds themselves with wisdom. I am looking for depth, and wisdom. I am know I am in the game, I live it daily.. discussing with friends equal opportunity for all, supporting my local school, What is government truly meant to be, raising Ittie to be an appreciative, active and respectful citizen that has a voice and thinks for her self and also about the group...No yelling from the bleachers here.. We are all players .
We hear the same mentality at work, on TV.. not good enough, can you believe she did that.. "This group is so bad, look at their incompetency"..
I have sat in the bleachers too.. having judgement.. at times throwing out my negativity in the winds that would carry it to whomever would listen. I have even framed it in the "well sometimes the truth hurts.. but reality is what it is."
I have also been the player on the field. The batter in the box, the coach, the worker, the manager, sister, aunt, consultant..wife, ex-wife, lover, ex-lover, Partner.. Mother.
What I am learning, have learned is that thinking before shouting is a good idea. That when my mother said if you don't have anything nice to say .. The message was truly about framing. Yes sometimes there is a bad call, a wrong that needs to be righted. Corrections to paths that are going astray. and in that when delivering the message Firmness is different from Meanness.
That yelling from the bleachers ..is just spreading negativity to the winds. Its like a sneeze in an airplane. Infectious and spreads quickly. It does nothing to make me a better person, does nothing to help the situation at hand. It doesn't bring peace, resolution, solidarity, gain. It just brings a caustic loudness that is painful to the soul and ones ears.
Yelling from the bleachers it does nothing .. hmm.. But players who have to be team-mates with people they don't like, runners who go back and help an opponent make it across the finish line. People who recover from their mistakes to come back and help the team win, and sometimes just finish or show up. Those are the people I admire.
I believe this metaphor, this experience, has influenced the way I look at leaders, success. I don't vote for the person who yells the loudest. I don't go for the "have to take a firm stand", no bi-partisanship, AKA no compromise, no getting along with people who have differences of opinion. How can we as a people of vast differences come together when we elect leaders who are rigid in their acceptance and actions. How can we be a team when the person we have raised up is one of the people that yells from the Bleachers and really isn't in the game.
When growing up playing sport, I was lucky. Our team (basic same group of softball players played together for about 8 years) had a block of parents that encouraged, clapped at our effort and our success. They picked us up when we were bruised battered and torn. When we showed "attitude" we were quickly reminded that this was about getting along, doing our job, with the Ref, the other team in some aspects, coaches and team-mates. The block of parents also weeded out the "Yellers." They would make statements like "don't listen to it.. Do your best.." Come on girls..There was always a pat on the back.
FYI: We did win the tournament, I believe 6 years out of the years I played and the other two we were runner up. Not back from 8-16. So the positive, the encouragement created an environment that we thrived in.
I admired these souls. These people who taught me as much about what it was to work in the real world, to manage, to participate to be an active member in my family, with my friends, my daughter.
As I look around to the world that I am raising Avery in, I wonder, probably as many of us have before me.. Are we taking steps forward or backwards? What is our morale compass? Who are the right leaders to continue to help our nation, our society be strong? How will we as the United States be united in respect, tolerance, growth? How will we be prompted to work with each other as a team? Because in this land of individuals .. We are are team.. Our individual performance and decision affects the group and the group affects the nation.. and in return. The guys yelling from the bleachers .. mostly are just hollow..
I am looking for a coach, a leader, someone in the game.. working to make a difference. Often these individuals are more quiet but stern, Thoughtful and take action when they need to. They tend to be about joining people.. not dividing people. Looking at the skills that are brought to the table .. not the reason why the person shouldn't be at the table. They utilize their players to make the team stronger.. Taking strengths to off set limits and they work to make the group stronger as a whole while still respecting the individual.
I am looking for that Coach in my leader this year. Someone with Vision.. Someone who can mentor, speak, change the plans/plays when they need to, surrounds themselves with wisdom. I am looking for depth, and wisdom. I am know I am in the game, I live it daily.. discussing with friends equal opportunity for all, supporting my local school, What is government truly meant to be, raising Ittie to be an appreciative, active and respectful citizen that has a voice and thinks for her self and also about the group...No yelling from the bleachers here.. We are all players .
Friday, August 3, 2012
Making of Memories the summer of 6
The sun takes its time setting at the front of the house.
Golden rays paint the barn, grass and trees.. their shadows stretching out long and slow their finale grandeur at the end of the day.
We are gathered in the grass between the barn and house.. Working.. talking, playing.. alternating between.
Ittie runs between puppy, kitten, chicks and ducks... To her swing set/ aka pirate ship and then she sees the first one in the dwindling light.. The lightning bug rises and the hunt is now on..
I have moved to my usual herding of the poultry. Harriet is joining me or finishing up the evening touches on our current project before she moves to the barnyard to close doors and find hidden roosted feathery beings.
Long days to slow evenings/ nights and Ittie gets to linger in the twilight running chasing and caught into the disappearing/ reappearing act of the magical fireflies.
These are her summer days and ours. It's a different view on this side of the fence. I I remember gathering fireflies and putting them in a mayo jar that I had punched holes in the lid with an ice pick.. I loved this time.. It was amazing the relaxed non scheduled freedom to be me and discover.. I love that Ittie is getting a similar experience.
Sitting on the stoop watching the stars. The sky is illuminated with pin points of twinkles with little interference from the city lights. The brilliance is amazing and the depth of the darkness interrupted creates the perfect balance for pondering of dragons and quests.
I watch Ittie and I am thankful for the opportunities that this extended break gives her. The freedom to be 6 and vastness to exercise that energy and imagination. Ittie has the opportunity of shows and plays with papa, time with her great aunt, horse camp, and the general day to day discovery, growth, courage and balance. Ittie has the opportunity of childhood memories.
Golden rays paint the barn, grass and trees.. their shadows stretching out long and slow their finale grandeur at the end of the day.
We are gathered in the grass between the barn and house.. Working.. talking, playing.. alternating between.
Ittie runs between puppy, kitten, chicks and ducks... To her swing set/ aka pirate ship and then she sees the first one in the dwindling light.. The lightning bug rises and the hunt is now on..
I have moved to my usual herding of the poultry. Harriet is joining me or finishing up the evening touches on our current project before she moves to the barnyard to close doors and find hidden roosted feathery beings.
Long days to slow evenings/ nights and Ittie gets to linger in the twilight running chasing and caught into the disappearing/ reappearing act of the magical fireflies.
These are her summer days and ours. It's a different view on this side of the fence. I I remember gathering fireflies and putting them in a mayo jar that I had punched holes in the lid with an ice pick.. I loved this time.. It was amazing the relaxed non scheduled freedom to be me and discover.. I love that Ittie is getting a similar experience.
Sitting on the stoop watching the stars. The sky is illuminated with pin points of twinkles with little interference from the city lights. The brilliance is amazing and the depth of the darkness interrupted creates the perfect balance for pondering of dragons and quests.
I watch Ittie and I am thankful for the opportunities that this extended break gives her. The freedom to be 6 and vastness to exercise that energy and imagination. Ittie has the opportunity of shows and plays with papa, time with her great aunt, horse camp, and the general day to day discovery, growth, courage and balance. Ittie has the opportunity of childhood memories.
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