Breathing is a unique intake of air.. As I say to her mighty pink princess.... "IN with the Good out with Bad." IE .. in with the O2 and out with the CO2. In my case some of the bad just likes to hang out. I have a problem exhaling all the CO2 from my lungs on a normal day I am around a 75 to 80 percent efficiency.
My pulse oxygen level will read high when I am having an attack. While this has its benefits of more time to get things like medicine. It is a tricky conundrum. I may present perfectly OK to the machine, internally I am shutting down. My tubes are closing up rapidly, I am coughing up enough phlegm in which to drown. This experience definitely has made me ponder about a myriad of things. Eventually my asthma has taught me about my life and reminded me of some very valuable lessons.
Slow down: when I can't take in enough breathes to match my speed my body tends to slow down to get in sync with my breathing or I just have to stop. So I go slow.. My brain still works a million miles and hour but the rest of me is more on an ISH type of schedule. What I have discovered is when I go slow I notice more. I see things that were a blur before.
Endurance is key.. The turtle didn't win the race because of speed but because he endured. I may not be as fast or in the peak of health. But I hold on. I move more slowly but I continue to move. I endure. through I am making progress toward goals.
Prevention .. Watch for triggers.. Avoid the triggers when I can. Take my med. Try to lesson stress. All of these things keep the really Bad at Bay.
Help is not a bad thing . I have learned to call and rely on others. My support network is amazing on several nights taken shifts to come sit with me during very bad asthma episodes to help with Avery or just sit with me to make sure that I exist for the next few hours. It is a humbling existence to put my life in their hands. A constant reminder that in this life we are not alone, nor were we meant to be alone.
Simple things make all the difference; Breathing is simple. We adults over the age of 18 take 12–20 breaths per minute. (wikipedia) Most of the time we don't think about it. Its simple. Yet it makes all the difference. Breathing is always going on .. It is mechanical, supports us.. Sets up an critical exchange for goods in our bodies. Isn't this true with so many other simple things.
While some of the "negative" and bad may linger inside it doesn't have to control me. I like many adults have ghosts and regrets. I have not always done the right thing. But just because there are scripts and memories that linger it does not control or ruin my life. The CO2 that stays in my body some days makes it a bit more difficult to function but it does not stop me. I may not be able to do what I want all the time but I do/will do what I can in the present.
All this is not to say that having asthma doesn't scare me. Of course knowing that I have a disease that can kill me quickly or as I like to think of it being "hyper active defense response that attacks me along with the body invaders" at times is stunning.. (hm there is probably a personality parallel in that to.. save it for another day) . In the moments when I am weak and coughing, can't catch my breathe I feel the fear wretch up from within and start to spread. It takes an inner strength or at least some will to hold that back and think rationally calmly .. . "inhaler find it.. get the spacer.. two puffs.. spread them out.. count to ten. Wait.. short breathes are better then no breathes.. Just breathe." ...."Be close to someone.". "where is Harriet" .
I then secure myself in a comfort of a snuggle or good lean.. Look at Ittie.. hold her. It's a scary event for all of us.. The emergency plan goes through everyone's mind. How far is the hospital. Do we have a plan for Ittie if I have to go in? So the holding and the hugs mean all the world in securing us, calming us down. Making the world safe again because for a few moments it was truly frightening.
But then there are many frightening things in life: Dogs that bark and run at you, that near bus miss. Grabbing a child before they launch themselves into peril. Poisonous Spiders and other things that bite and cause major damage, Viruses and what not. Life is what it is and it can be risky. As for my life, I live with part of my peril inside of me.. But then again don't we all.....
No comments:
Post a Comment