It's the coming of spring.. The smell of wet earth. Return of the robin's something my mother and I looked forward to every year. It is a sign an awakening, The beginning of life, the release from hibernation and the chill. Change. Mushrooming, visiting the river to find crawdads and minnows. Freedom..
My mom was a creative guide to learning and adventure. Constructing mini adventures, walks to parks, and playgrounds, and fostering independence when I was young. She was an amazing advocate at school. An active member of the PTO, the arts, band, berry boosters, fundraiser, and cookie baker extraordinaire.
A teacher in her own right, everything was a lesson in the wonder of the world. Mom made the grand things with minimal resources. Her ideas were creative, unique, and inventive. She went beyond her comfort to have parties for me and my friends. A perfect example: put cokes with ice in the washing machine instead of the refrigerators for after-game parties. It saved on energy and teenagers opening the fridge door a million times. The other big hit and loved memory is themed holiday dinners for giggly middle-schoolers where mom would actively plan a menu in which part of the menu was your silverware. All are coded and named appropriately for the holiday. Devil's pitchfork=fork straw man's stack= noodles..
She was a pillar of kindness and warmth for so many. If you came to my house as a kid, you did not leave hungry there was always an extra person at the table. If you came without gloves or hats on cold winter days we had extra to spare. Most of my friends called her mom when they walked in the door. They gave her hugs openly and freely. Mom truly did give the best hugs. Perfect amount of squeeze with a snuggle. These memories bring warmth to my soul.
Yet in the darkness, she struggled (s) with her own anxiety, fears, ideals of social appropriateness, and depression This led to bitterness and things not being quite good enough.
Her value of herself has been so tied to her external roles that when my father finally left, she turned to me. "You're exactly like your father." In my teenage years, it became more critical... Mom's personal battle lead to one mother's day she tried to take her life by overdosing. I was 15 she stated I didn't need her anymore so why live. (She would choose to celebrate this holiday in this manner for the next 5 years.) While I knew and knew that this was her choice, her issue, and her behavior. I can say that was the breaking point for me. I would never see her in the same light again. When I left home her anger slowly turned to the family and the community at large which had supported her for so long.
It is hard watching your hero fall and at the same time be a target of their blame. It is hard trying to help and have that hand slapped away. My bias: it is harder when that person is your mother. Many people can't deal with the dichotomies of their souls or the people around them. That the good and bad live together. The yin and yang. We want to label people good or bad.. evil or angelic. My mom is both.
For me the loss of the light in my mother has left a vacancy: I have a yearning .. a hole of sorts in my heart. Literally, it aches from time to time. As the mother of my childhood. And in spring that ache, like most old wounds, flares up a bit with the changing in the season and weather.
Over the years it has been healthier to step back from my relationship with my mom. She continues to blame and be angry. She refuses to seek help professionally because people may judge her as crazy. So further into darkness, she falls. While I love my mom, I find it necessary to protect myself and my family from unhealthiness that is damaging. I honor her by being the best person and now best mother that I can be.
I consider myself blessed. My mother could have chosen to live in the darkness her entire life and not share any of her wonderful gifts. My mom has struggled with this dichotomy for years. She gave so much of herself early in my life this gift gave me the foundation to survive what would later come. Love you mom .. Gretch
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ReplyDeleteI had to take breaks away from my mother on many occasions, too. She never got to this extreme, but I always wonder if it's coming. If she'll just "drop her basket" one day and then she'll be gone. I find that I can keep her in my life better now because we live over eight hours away. She also seems to be on much better meds now than when I was a kid (no qualms about getting help for my mother--although there is only so far she will "believe" the therapists). She also has a fantastic husband now who helps balance things out for her. I don't even want to think about what might happen if he were ever to leave her....
ReplyDeleteBut I find it sad that while the meds keep her "sane", they still do not make her sane enough where I would feel comfortable leaving my kids alone with her. And she is just so disconnected, too. My mother used to be such a passionate person, but even though the new meds make her more "rational", she doesn't really respond to her own grandkids. She is her own little island now, but she's missing out on the joys of grandmotherhood--and my kids don't really know what having a grandmother SHOULD be like.
OK. Sorry about taking over and spilling all about ME. But...
Love your posts, Gretchen. Very, very thought-provoking.
-Carrie Q.