"Ittie it's not just about you, it is about everyone that is in this house" a phrase heard from time to time. When the I wants and why can't I have and but that's not fair... pop up.
I grew up believing in statements like provide opportunity for all, protect the weak, go for the WIN WIN, be a humble winner and a noble looser. Bullying and my or the highway isn't OK. Everyone has a voice. Don't go for what is popular.. go for what is right.
I am raising Ittie with the same sayings same ideals because I believe they show integrity and grit. I don't believe that these attributes come from "my way or the highway".. "We need people that make hard decisions". I believe the latter are cliches, slogans for the "tough guys" but not grit. Grit is sitting down in the muck and figuring out how to rescue everyone. Grit is leave no man behind. Be him Muslim, Christian, Jew,Hindi, straight, gay, black, red, yellow, white.. etc.. Grit is weighing down and going against the tantruming force that says I want it this way.. I have to have it this way and pulls for a process that brings people together.
Grit is being an individual that understands the world before them, the country, state, county, city, township they live in is more diverse and full of life and difference then they can every understand and that through this diversity comes growth, discussion.. movement and humbling themselves to that.
I want to teach Ittie to have grit.. The stay in the saddle, get dust on your jeans, work hard, enjoy the sun. Hang in there..Use your head, know when to hold them, know when to fold them (thank you Kenny Rogers, Gambler) type of Grit..
So why is this so important such a hot topic in my mind. I find myself ever increasingly thinking about the actions I and my fellow citizens take today and how it will impact not just the next year or four but the next 20-60. I have a walking investment. A beating.. breathing, imaginative walking investment in this world. Actually I have one directly and the other 5 my brother and sisters did the hard part. The current rhetoric that they are hearing and exposed to: The Attitude of Might is right, Me first.. Quick solutions to long term problems that will take some time to fix are being address with non answers, or red herrings.
It's everywhere, "Educated Liberal" so are we saying education is a bad thing, that gaining knowledge and learning to discuss makes you liberal. I just thought that education broadened my perspective, helped me problem solve with creative solutions.. "We need to stop the bi-partisanship" AKA stop working with the people on the other side. We need people who can make tough decisions. While I absolutely agree with this. I believe it has been misconstrued as if to say its tough to do it my way..verses the flip side of this belief must be its the easy that it is to sit down with a person or group of people with all different ideas and work to come up with a good solution that isn't group think" Which one do you think is harder.
Ittie hears these slogans, bumper sticker sayings on the air waves, TV, from adults around us or her little friends mimicking what they hear from their family and she asks and or repeats what is said. "mama.. why does he have a tough decision" We a family value.. At I sit and think about the future for her ... my family .. what the elections hold for direction of truly making a difference in our society. I want thinkers and negotiators .. I want mom in office that cut coupons and can run a household budget on nickels and dimes but still understand how important it is for music, art education, play to be part of life. I want Avery to have a world that the basis to life is protected. The slogan's i would like to here.. JUST because we can .. Doesn't mean we should. Personal commitments to work together to resolve big issues. I want people with grit that will work hard, stay in the saddle.. I want dusty hard work..
This is not be picking a side of Republican, Libertarian, Democrat.. I believe extremism within any group is scary.. They offer quick easy solutions that work for sometime but lets look at the outcomes: Marxism that became (Stalanism and Lennonism), Nazi's, al-Qaeda, Kach, Kahane Chai, the Taliban. All began as a belief and discussion as solutions to issues. Strict solutions for unjust, hard economic times. They promised fixes, order, a certain level of safety and a greater society. They all blame other groups for the problems in society verses looking at themselves, and the diversity around them and working for the harder solutions. They all were my way or the highway.
When I think about grit.. Ihave the traditional image of the Lawman who would stand alone at first to the "outlaws'. He didn't want to be there. He could have road away but someone needed to stand up against tyranny for everyone. There he is . in the dusty street, leathery skin.. shadow of his hat over his eyes, duster flapping in the wind and his hands ready for action.. flexing.. Grit.
I also think of Movies like Family Stone, Dead Poets Society, Eat Pray Love, Under the Tuscan Sun, Finding Forrester, Good Will Hunting. The character's in these movies have grit. They are not flawless but they have courage to stand, to make change.. to move and teach us something in their wake. They have grit to face life and make a change to themselves to others.
While the character's may be fictional in the movies the values and lessons are not. Nor is the ideal or what we can aspire to. The real life gritty characters are even more astounding including a few off the top of my head: Queen Elizabeth 1, Martin Luther King, Ghandi, Victoria Woodhull, Aung San Suu Kyi, Jeannette Rankin, Colin Powell and many more.
I head into this election with Ittie in hand, voting for people hoping to continue to employ smart decisive and cooperative public servants. My daughter looks to me to keep her world secure, safe, creative and free and diverse. Tonight at my house as we listen to the news and discuss politics and attitudes in society, we will be having Grit for dinner.. What are you having at yours.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Ignore a beautiful option
.....................<insert ring tone>....I reach over look and slide my finger from right to left.. IGNORE.. Yes really I did just ignore the call. Yes I may have ignored your call.. let me explain..
My current world. Emails, pages, phone calls, IM's, txts all day.. And now I live in a world that after work the prevailing belief is that if the phone beeps, toots, plays some melodic tone, vibrates, I need to pick it up. I must respond because whomever is sending me this message is so important that they need an immediate confirmation of receipt.. of their value .. of I have no idea.
I am from the days of rotary phones, long phone cords that gave you the privacy of talking in the stairwell when you were trying to have that private conversation with your friend. This was after you waited for the other family member to get off the phone. From the days when I heard stay off the phone I am expecting a call from your "grandmother" in the next hour. And you agonized as you waited for the hour to tick by.
The days that a busy signal meant something.. If someone didn't answer your call most likely they were doing something: dinner, being outside, hanging with friends or family.
Not that I want to return to rotary party lines and waiting on my daughter to get off the phone and the long distance bills of old.. I like my smart phone and I enjoy the convienance of it. However
Now we answer the phone during dinner, during the middle of a conversation with the person that we are actually having a face to face discord. We text while interacting with others. Courtesy and priority of who is in front of us has left the building in the need for instantaneous response. Have I done these very same things.. absolutely. Do I like myself for practicing this habit absolutely not.
I find it funny when I walk in a Doctor's office and there are now signs posted for you to put away your cell phone while you are meeting with the physician. REALLY we need a sign to remind us that our full attention should be given while consulting about our individual health???
Harriet and I are instituting a new rule at the dinner table. No CELL PHONES, no devices of any type. Yep its hard fast old fashion interaction for us and our younglings. Maybe we will even figure out the art of conversation again. Care about each other's day. Feel vested.
IGNORE is a beautiful thing. And if I ignore your call its not truly about you and your value to me. It's about valuing myself, my time and remembering there was a day when we couldn't always immediately get each other. We had to be creative. We had to learn to be OK in our silence, our alone space. It is about teaching Avery valuable lessons about boundaries, space, and silence, uninterrupted time together.
I am learning to value Silence.. I am learning to value attentiveness. More so today then anytime before. I am learning to value myself, my kid and my family and in that delayed gratification.
Yep delayed gratification aka impulse control.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deferred_gratification
Impulse Control helps us learn to wait, be patient, have realistic expectations of results. Helps us with our emotional responses control of our behavior. It lays a great foundation for how we interact in society. It helps us succeed, try again.. develop patience understand long term gains for work and effort and the continual need to perform.
http://www.timelessinformation.com/instant-vs-delayed-gratification/
With impulse control now couple that with silence: Silence is needed its a beautiful thing. It clears our minds. Allows me to focus. Listen truly listen be empathetic. Hear myself, hear my daughter, my partner come up with long term solutions that are creative and hopefully a win win for everyone involved. But the noise the immediate answering causes me to give short answers, bumper sticker thoughts. Quick answers to alleviate the stress the tensions of the demanding noise. I feel like my head becomes one big cliche, a front without much meaning. But the silence of the phone, the radio turned down or off gives such freedom.
In the end its about balance.. when to answer and when to not answer. It's about knowing with whom you are trying to communicate. It's getting some perspective and recognition that not all calls, texts, emails need an immediate answer. It's respecting that the individual we are trying to reach; well.. Has a life. It's understanding just because we can doesn't mean we should.
_____<ring tone> __ which way to slide my thumb.. right or left.. where am I .. who am I with. Who is calling? I'll call back. This moment I am enjoying for what it is.. this moment. Swish to the left.. Ignore .. a beautiful thing.
My current world. Emails, pages, phone calls, IM's, txts all day.. And now I live in a world that after work the prevailing belief is that if the phone beeps, toots, plays some melodic tone, vibrates, I need to pick it up. I must respond because whomever is sending me this message is so important that they need an immediate confirmation of receipt.. of their value .. of I have no idea.
I am from the days of rotary phones, long phone cords that gave you the privacy of talking in the stairwell when you were trying to have that private conversation with your friend. This was after you waited for the other family member to get off the phone. From the days when I heard stay off the phone I am expecting a call from your "grandmother" in the next hour. And you agonized as you waited for the hour to tick by.
The days that a busy signal meant something.. If someone didn't answer your call most likely they were doing something: dinner, being outside, hanging with friends or family.
Not that I want to return to rotary party lines and waiting on my daughter to get off the phone and the long distance bills of old.. I like my smart phone and I enjoy the convienance of it. However
Now we answer the phone during dinner, during the middle of a conversation with the person that we are actually having a face to face discord. We text while interacting with others. Courtesy and priority of who is in front of us has left the building in the need for instantaneous response. Have I done these very same things.. absolutely. Do I like myself for practicing this habit absolutely not.
I find it funny when I walk in a Doctor's office and there are now signs posted for you to put away your cell phone while you are meeting with the physician. REALLY we need a sign to remind us that our full attention should be given while consulting about our individual health???
Harriet and I are instituting a new rule at the dinner table. No CELL PHONES, no devices of any type. Yep its hard fast old fashion interaction for us and our younglings. Maybe we will even figure out the art of conversation again. Care about each other's day. Feel vested.
IGNORE is a beautiful thing. And if I ignore your call its not truly about you and your value to me. It's about valuing myself, my time and remembering there was a day when we couldn't always immediately get each other. We had to be creative. We had to learn to be OK in our silence, our alone space. It is about teaching Avery valuable lessons about boundaries, space, and silence, uninterrupted time together.
I am learning to value Silence.. I am learning to value attentiveness. More so today then anytime before. I am learning to value myself, my kid and my family and in that delayed gratification.
Yep delayed gratification aka impulse control.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deferred_gratification
Impulse Control helps us learn to wait, be patient, have realistic expectations of results. Helps us with our emotional responses control of our behavior. It lays a great foundation for how we interact in society. It helps us succeed, try again.. develop patience understand long term gains for work and effort and the continual need to perform.
http://www.timelessinformation.com/instant-vs-delayed-gratification/
With impulse control now couple that with silence: Silence is needed its a beautiful thing. It clears our minds. Allows me to focus. Listen truly listen be empathetic. Hear myself, hear my daughter, my partner come up with long term solutions that are creative and hopefully a win win for everyone involved. But the noise the immediate answering causes me to give short answers, bumper sticker thoughts. Quick answers to alleviate the stress the tensions of the demanding noise. I feel like my head becomes one big cliche, a front without much meaning. But the silence of the phone, the radio turned down or off gives such freedom.
In the end its about balance.. when to answer and when to not answer. It's about knowing with whom you are trying to communicate. It's getting some perspective and recognition that not all calls, texts, emails need an immediate answer. It's respecting that the individual we are trying to reach; well.. Has a life. It's understanding just because we can doesn't mean we should.
_____<ring tone> __ which way to slide my thumb.. right or left.. where am I .. who am I with. Who is calling? I'll call back. This moment I am enjoying for what it is.. this moment. Swish to the left.. Ignore .. a beautiful thing.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Perfect Spring Day
Quack Quack Quack... waddle waddle waddle..goes our flock of 12 ducklings and two geese.. They go up the ramp.. into the pink princes kiddie pool.. Quack Quack.. A puppy pops up to herd them then moves on.. the junior goose pops out nips the pup on the rump..just for good measure.
"Mamma ...come look.. come look.. Two have their eyes open.. Mamma" OK Ittie.. now don't handle them to much Bit.. they need to stay with their mom. "Mamma.. Flower is a good mommy isn't she" Yes Ittie she takes good care of her kittens. "Mammma" yes Ittie. "did you have to help her have the kittens and did they come out of......" No she had them on her own. and yes they did come out of prep yourself to say it to the 6 year old Flower's Vagina. "ok.. if one would have got stuck would you have helped her" Yes Ittie I would have done my best to help her.. ick oo ick.. oh god thank god that didn't happen.. Ittie is happy with this answer and continues with struggling not to pick up the week old kittens.
I look over her and she quickly lowers her hands back into the box.. Ittie.. "yes Mamma" I move on point made.
It's a beautiful Sunday.. It's unusually hot for May.. Beautiful glass blue sky..Avery is dressed in her finest pink bathing suit and is running through the sprinkler. Grass is green and there is a small rainbow in the midst of the spray.. "oo Mama rainbow" It's all yours to run through bit.. try to catch it" I believe she has picked up each puppy and ran through it with them. The terrier and Bichon are looking like drenched rats but come back for more and tolerate the rough handling that goes with the giggling and love.
My heart lightens to the squeals of delight that comes from Ittie petting the ducks, playing with the pups in the nossil turned upside down= sprinkler for the day. She runs to her swing, then the slide.. its a blur of pink and skin..
I walk around the property doing chores taking breaks from the heat..Stopping . listening Hearing the melody of Quack Quack Quack.. EEEEEEE from Ittie and a bark of a pup here and there..
Harriet and I look around at our mess that is our yard and garage. The projects in transition..the set up from projects to come.. The remnants of the move and the destruction of things that were left for fodder when life challenged us with the struggle for life itself and not physical things. We wonder both out loud and silently will we ever get this under control...
Quackkkkk.. Ittie.. don't chase the ducks.. "OK Mama.. Ok Harriet" Pink Blur..Giggle.. She's moved on .. Note.. bath tonight
There is happiness in the air. It's infectious.. As we pick up and move things.. Go over strategies for the duck/ chicken and turkey housing.. The little song from the smaller younger beings that inhabit this space around us infects our faces. We can't help but smile.
This is my life.. chores and fun.. Earth, Water, Wind,, Fire in a pit or the heat from the blazing ball in the sky. Life .. and its delicate balance and the appreciation of the moment in which I live. It's knowing that I am exactly where I am meant to be.. living exactly the life I am meant to be living with the perfect group of beings with whom I am meant to share this adventure.
Yes its a perfect spring day.
"Mamma ...come look.. come look.. Two have their eyes open.. Mamma" OK Ittie.. now don't handle them to much Bit.. they need to stay with their mom. "Mamma.. Flower is a good mommy isn't she" Yes Ittie she takes good care of her kittens. "Mammma" yes Ittie. "did you have to help her have the kittens and did they come out of......" No she had them on her own. and yes they did come out of prep yourself to say it to the 6 year old Flower's Vagina. "ok.. if one would have got stuck would you have helped her" Yes Ittie I would have done my best to help her.. ick oo ick.. oh god thank god that didn't happen.. Ittie is happy with this answer and continues with struggling not to pick up the week old kittens.
I look over her and she quickly lowers her hands back into the box.. Ittie.. "yes Mamma" I move on point made.
It's a beautiful Sunday.. It's unusually hot for May.. Beautiful glass blue sky..Avery is dressed in her finest pink bathing suit and is running through the sprinkler. Grass is green and there is a small rainbow in the midst of the spray.. "oo Mama rainbow" It's all yours to run through bit.. try to catch it" I believe she has picked up each puppy and ran through it with them. The terrier and Bichon are looking like drenched rats but come back for more and tolerate the rough handling that goes with the giggling and love.
My heart lightens to the squeals of delight that comes from Ittie petting the ducks, playing with the pups in the nossil turned upside down= sprinkler for the day. She runs to her swing, then the slide.. its a blur of pink and skin..
I walk around the property doing chores taking breaks from the heat..Stopping . listening Hearing the melody of Quack Quack Quack.. EEEEEEE from Ittie and a bark of a pup here and there..
Harriet and I look around at our mess that is our yard and garage. The projects in transition..the set up from projects to come.. The remnants of the move and the destruction of things that were left for fodder when life challenged us with the struggle for life itself and not physical things. We wonder both out loud and silently will we ever get this under control...
Quackkkkk.. Ittie.. don't chase the ducks.. "OK Mama.. Ok Harriet" Pink Blur..Giggle.. She's moved on .. Note.. bath tonight
There is happiness in the air. It's infectious.. As we pick up and move things.. Go over strategies for the duck/ chicken and turkey housing.. The little song from the smaller younger beings that inhabit this space around us infects our faces. We can't help but smile.
This is my life.. chores and fun.. Earth, Water, Wind,, Fire in a pit or the heat from the blazing ball in the sky. Life .. and its delicate balance and the appreciation of the moment in which I live. It's knowing that I am exactly where I am meant to be.. living exactly the life I am meant to be living with the perfect group of beings with whom I am meant to share this adventure.
Yes its a perfect spring day.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Ittie.. how is a little girl so wise..
Let me first say this is a long held belief.. Adults complicate the world way to much with justifications, fear, need to be right.. Specific Rules instead of things Like MOP.. (do no harm to myself, others or property.)
What I have learned from Avery it's simple really. The poster that use to be popular about all I need to know I learned in Kindergarten. I thought it was brilliant and true the first time I read it. Today I wish as adults we could use it as our running guide to life.
Lesson one be nice:
Harriet and I were discussing recent news about OBAMA's support for gay marriage, North Carolina's ban, and just the state of opinion. Avery had heard some of the news, and our discussion and asked. Mama when are you and Harriet going to get married.
Now I stopped .. and thought.. How do I explain that there are people in this world because of their religious convictions believe that Harriet and I are lessor. How do I explain that this affects the balance of church and state. How do I inform her that even though we pay taxes, own property, go to work, support our local school, give to charity, and raise her with some traditional values. There are som e that don't believe we are their equal..
My phrasing was something like this.. "Ittie there are people that have stated that Harriet and I don't have the right to marry." Her inquisitive mind instantly said "why". Well Ittie there are people that believe Harriet and I are wrong once again.. WHY.. because they believe that by being two women that are together like your Daddy and Deborah we are sinning.
Avery pauses.. she thinks. "but you love each other". Yes Ittie we do.." but your nice..and happy" Yes Ittie we are and we do our best to be. Avery thinks more.
"Is the government telling you you can't be married?" Well in this state yes but the people of the state inform the government. In other states like where Aunt Jess lives Harriet and I can marry. Avery looks perplexed.
Avery says "maybe you should talk to them".. Who baby.. Avery: "mama the people and the government.. you should talk to them." Oh sweetheart.. I have written my congressman, and signed petitions. I and many other's have talked and are talking to the government.
Avery chimes in "Maybe I should You and Harriet are nice and I love you... "
My heart beams with pride. Not for the ideal that Avery is standing up for the right to Marry. But that she sees something that she disagrees with and feels that she should speak to someone about it to make it right. It's courageous. It's thoughtful and I am so proud.
We love you too Ittie.
Really when it comes down to it.. It's that simple isn't it. If she gets it in kindergarten the straight forwardness of love, equality. That people can have different beliefs and celebrations of God but that rights go to all.. Why can't we as adults? I am perplexed by the very same issues as Avery.
What I have learned from Avery it's simple really. The poster that use to be popular about all I need to know I learned in Kindergarten. I thought it was brilliant and true the first time I read it. Today I wish as adults we could use it as our running guide to life.
Lesson one be nice:
Harriet and I were discussing recent news about OBAMA's support for gay marriage, North Carolina's ban, and just the state of opinion. Avery had heard some of the news, and our discussion and asked. Mama when are you and Harriet going to get married.
Now I stopped .. and thought.. How do I explain that there are people in this world because of their religious convictions believe that Harriet and I are lessor. How do I explain that this affects the balance of church and state. How do I inform her that even though we pay taxes, own property, go to work, support our local school, give to charity, and raise her with some traditional values. There are som e that don't believe we are their equal..
My phrasing was something like this.. "Ittie there are people that have stated that Harriet and I don't have the right to marry." Her inquisitive mind instantly said "why". Well Ittie there are people that believe Harriet and I are wrong once again.. WHY.. because they believe that by being two women that are together like your Daddy and Deborah we are sinning.
Avery pauses.. she thinks. "but you love each other". Yes Ittie we do.." but your nice..and happy" Yes Ittie we are and we do our best to be. Avery thinks more.
"Is the government telling you you can't be married?" Well in this state yes but the people of the state inform the government. In other states like where Aunt Jess lives Harriet and I can marry. Avery looks perplexed.
Avery says "maybe you should talk to them".. Who baby.. Avery: "mama the people and the government.. you should talk to them." Oh sweetheart.. I have written my congressman, and signed petitions. I and many other's have talked and are talking to the government.
Avery chimes in "Maybe I should You and Harriet are nice and I love you... "
My heart beams with pride. Not for the ideal that Avery is standing up for the right to Marry. But that she sees something that she disagrees with and feels that she should speak to someone about it to make it right. It's courageous. It's thoughtful and I am so proud.
We love you too Ittie.
Really when it comes down to it.. It's that simple isn't it. If she gets it in kindergarten the straight forwardness of love, equality. That people can have different beliefs and celebrations of God but that rights go to all.. Why can't we as adults? I am perplexed by the very same issues as Avery.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Just not Having what it Takes.
In my childhood I remember one of the hardest moments for both myself and Mrs. Rhul was the moment I was cut from the Middle School Volleyball Team. I played basketball, softball, took golf lessons, swam at the local quarry, ran middle school track (hurdles and relay), belonged to the bowling league on Saturday mornings.. I was a little jockette.. Sport I loved it.. Gym was one of my favorite activities in Middle school (except for the interpretive dance and tumbling).
So here we stood in the hallway that I used to get to the stage for band practice.. the big age of 12. My mentor, 6th grade basketball coach standing before. Binney.. I .. (she stammered a bit) I have to cut you from the team. We both teared up a bit. I was the only girl being cut. My coordination and skills weren't there. I would have made the team weaker, and I knew it. But still rejection.. failure.. especially when coming from someone you respect and admire so much is hard.
Mrs. Rhul though had another opportunity for me.. Manager. I could be part of the team. Just in supporting role, not on the floor. I asked her if I could think about it. Next day I accepted the offer. One which taught me alot about being behind the scenes, statistics, basic first aid, and responsibility. Out of the failure and the grace of acceptance I found other opportunity. This opportunity lead to a position as Manager with the High school team and networked me in as a freshman. Again before my first day of high school I already knew upper class men, and a couple teachers.
The way Mrs. Rhul handled it was truly amazing.. Full of compassion, grace and truth. I respected her that day more then before and still carry a high level of respect 25 years later.
I wonder what has happened that we try to shelter our children from this type of valuable lesson. And on the flip side that when delivering such sensitive hard news we have turned to .. just rip the band aid off quick, so no pain. It has become about the process not the emotion or heart. Because the lesson I learned from Mrs. Rhul was about both sides of the coin. Not only about sometimes the grace and opportunity of failure or just not having what it takes.. but also about letting someone know that maybe this isn't the best fit..
H and I were talking about children sports and were we bad mom's as we agonized at the length of the game that went on and watching the kids struggle. How a walk around the bases was rewarded like a home run. That at the end of the season all the kids got trophies.. Not just the first and second place teams. Are we awful parents in the fact that we believe this is setting the kids up for false expectations in life. When I walked I was told good eye.. when I was walked home.. it was not treated like as if I had stolen second or beat the throw. There was a difference.. Yes I was told good job, a pat on the back for doing what was expected.. But the extra-ordinary was rewarded with a scruff on the head.. high fives..
Sport and play for children are to prepare them for life. These activities are suppose to help them learn lessons that they can apply later in life. What are we teaching when we don't allow them to fail? The flip side: What happens when we encourage them to congratulate others on their successes? We teach them that often in life success and failure depend on that balance of power, grace, heart, skill and teamwork.
When they succeed. Do they do it with the humility knowing that many have contributed to their success. Or do they rub it in the face of the "losers". I wonder when watching college and pro sports as players stand over other players in a warrior like stance. Did they ever have a Mrs. Rhul. Did they have a Mr. Hubenthaul that demanded 100 percent effort and heart. A Bilskie who laughed with us but pushed us to be great players and good women. All of these coaches allowed the feeling of success but also demanded respect for the other team and the effort that they put forth in the game. Where are these lessons today.. What are we setting our children up for by giving everyone the trophy.
I am OK with Avery not getting a medal. She doesn't need a trinket at the end of sport. She has the tshirt. She also has me saying you did a great job Ittie.. Or It whats up tonight .. just not into it.. because your team needs you to be here.. The lesson sometimes its about more then just you.. its about how you affect others.
I use sport and play as a reference for this.. However, I had many adults in my childhood that pushed these lessons. My teachers were truly that.. teachers not just of the subject that they were 'experts" in but in life. They pushed me when they knew I was sluffing and worked with me when I didn't get it. I was rewarded with good work when I applied myself and just a grade when I did the expected.
Maybe I am just lamenting about the good ole days.. But I believe there is some value in the essence of letting children safely fall. We as adults deal with alot of grief. Lots of bumps and bruises. Why not do our kids a favor and help them get through it verses protecting them from it.
OK Ittie.. lets get ready to get that ribbon in 4 H.. or not.. either way there is a lesson in for both of us.
So here we stood in the hallway that I used to get to the stage for band practice.. the big age of 12. My mentor, 6th grade basketball coach standing before. Binney.. I .. (she stammered a bit) I have to cut you from the team. We both teared up a bit. I was the only girl being cut. My coordination and skills weren't there. I would have made the team weaker, and I knew it. But still rejection.. failure.. especially when coming from someone you respect and admire so much is hard.
Mrs. Rhul though had another opportunity for me.. Manager. I could be part of the team. Just in supporting role, not on the floor. I asked her if I could think about it. Next day I accepted the offer. One which taught me alot about being behind the scenes, statistics, basic first aid, and responsibility. Out of the failure and the grace of acceptance I found other opportunity. This opportunity lead to a position as Manager with the High school team and networked me in as a freshman. Again before my first day of high school I already knew upper class men, and a couple teachers.
The way Mrs. Rhul handled it was truly amazing.. Full of compassion, grace and truth. I respected her that day more then before and still carry a high level of respect 25 years later.
I wonder what has happened that we try to shelter our children from this type of valuable lesson. And on the flip side that when delivering such sensitive hard news we have turned to .. just rip the band aid off quick, so no pain. It has become about the process not the emotion or heart. Because the lesson I learned from Mrs. Rhul was about both sides of the coin. Not only about sometimes the grace and opportunity of failure or just not having what it takes.. but also about letting someone know that maybe this isn't the best fit..
H and I were talking about children sports and were we bad mom's as we agonized at the length of the game that went on and watching the kids struggle. How a walk around the bases was rewarded like a home run. That at the end of the season all the kids got trophies.. Not just the first and second place teams. Are we awful parents in the fact that we believe this is setting the kids up for false expectations in life. When I walked I was told good eye.. when I was walked home.. it was not treated like as if I had stolen second or beat the throw. There was a difference.. Yes I was told good job, a pat on the back for doing what was expected.. But the extra-ordinary was rewarded with a scruff on the head.. high fives..
Sport and play for children are to prepare them for life. These activities are suppose to help them learn lessons that they can apply later in life. What are we teaching when we don't allow them to fail? The flip side: What happens when we encourage them to congratulate others on their successes? We teach them that often in life success and failure depend on that balance of power, grace, heart, skill and teamwork.
When they succeed. Do they do it with the humility knowing that many have contributed to their success. Or do they rub it in the face of the "losers". I wonder when watching college and pro sports as players stand over other players in a warrior like stance. Did they ever have a Mrs. Rhul. Did they have a Mr. Hubenthaul that demanded 100 percent effort and heart. A Bilskie who laughed with us but pushed us to be great players and good women. All of these coaches allowed the feeling of success but also demanded respect for the other team and the effort that they put forth in the game. Where are these lessons today.. What are we setting our children up for by giving everyone the trophy.
I am OK with Avery not getting a medal. She doesn't need a trinket at the end of sport. She has the tshirt. She also has me saying you did a great job Ittie.. Or It whats up tonight .. just not into it.. because your team needs you to be here.. The lesson sometimes its about more then just you.. its about how you affect others.
I use sport and play as a reference for this.. However, I had many adults in my childhood that pushed these lessons. My teachers were truly that.. teachers not just of the subject that they were 'experts" in but in life. They pushed me when they knew I was sluffing and worked with me when I didn't get it. I was rewarded with good work when I applied myself and just a grade when I did the expected.
Maybe I am just lamenting about the good ole days.. But I believe there is some value in the essence of letting children safely fall. We as adults deal with alot of grief. Lots of bumps and bruises. Why not do our kids a favor and help them get through it verses protecting them from it.
OK Ittie.. lets get ready to get that ribbon in 4 H.. or not.. either way there is a lesson in for both of us.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Love .. what's so hard about it.. oh that..
There are hundreds of songs sang about, thousands of lines and quotes, studies and theories, hours spent mulling on do you have it, is it enough, how do you get it. I believe it is more valued then gold and some believe it is as fictitious as Fairy's and Leprechauns.
Love .. I believe Love is one of those essential feelings, acts, responsibilities, commitment, values and behaviors.. Yes Love is a combination of all of the above. It can turn our cheeks red, make our knees shake, our hearts quiver. The experience I have gained over the course of time the more I know that true love.. the essence of giving, and seeing those I care for happy is the Epiphany of all. The love = Joy.. It means a bit of healthy selflessness and respect.. Sometimes it means sharing in a burden, being strong, crying with or for... A firm hug that communicates I am here, you are valued and loved. A wink, a nod.. a smile.. Sometimes the silence when the retort in your head isn't what really should come out of your mouth.. Picking up and doing what you don't necessarily want to do but doing it because its the right thing to do... Love.. for those close .. for mankind .. for the earth.. Just love.
So while thinking about the ideal of love, I find myself frustrated today by the same issues that I finally left social work for, the same issues that drive me crazy on a daily basis and I try to be a better person internally.. But I find my self asking.. "Why does one person believe that he/she is so important but the person to the right or left isn't.. I ask this when I see a baby in the back of a seat with the parents puffing away in the front. I asked the same question when dogs are left in cars on 80 plus degree days. I ask this question when the woman the other night at Ittie's school carnival.pulled her hand away from Harriet in disgust as I introduced Harriet as my partner and the "utter mutter" (Avery and Harriet's phonetic nickname for Harriet).
My left side of my smile went up into the smirk that I swear I have had since the day I joined rest of the biped world. The mischievous I am now up to the challenge.. Really throw the low inside pitch.. I dare you.. but today it was for OK I saw that.. hmm how to handle this situation:
The four little girls were surrounding us after sacred "tickets" and trying to figure out which bouncy house to go into next. What should I do. Be upset.. nah..How I react to her says everything about me and nothing about her .. think... This woman was raised this way. She probably has heard, my child who is from a split home, how Harriet and I are the essence that is destroying the foundation of our country and wanted to rid herself of that taint as quickly as possible. I decided for it to be a passive educational opportunity. I start speaking to the grandmother about what an awesome opportunity the carnival is for meeting neighbors. How this is a great way to spend a fun evening in the community supporting the school. I talk about how much Ittie has wanted to see some of her friends here and it is so nice to meet up with her granddaughter who Avery has mentioned so many times.
The girls bounced through one course.. came back.. suddenly grandma had no more tickets.. ahh.. looks like they were going to have to walk away. "Girls we have some tickets.. here is 3 tickets for each of you". I continue to go with the positive about how nice the community is, .. more tickets given.. more conversation. Picture taken of all of the girls together.. Yes we went with tolerance and kindness in the face of rejection. We went with Love. Was it the easy path .. what do you think.. Love .. whats so hard about it.. OH ya that..
I have been reading some of the blogs from Single Dad Laughing. The man is eloquent in his writings and poignant in his delivery. I appreciate his look into issues and get back to the simple truths.. Love and True Happiness and that they can only exist together.
He discusses the difference in our society between two groups of people those that build within themselves trying to make themselves a better person. And those that see it as their job to make other people better. Religious and non religious.. I am right .. you are wrong. mentality vs tolerance, love and acceptance for who we are.
I find myself almost having a religious need to say amen brother to his writings. I find myself challenged to let go more..To be more understanding even of those who are not so understanding to me.
Isn't that it.. The idea of turning the other cheek.. Love.. It isn't about the other person. It is about love and how we, I as an individual see myself in this world.
Yes I still say things I shouldn't, the thoughts of anger seep from my lips. But I am trying. And when I am at a place that I feel "mean" I try to excuse myself aka go to time out.. to get centered again. I have unfortunately for myself and the people involved and close to me spent time dwelling for a couple years in a life that was based on quick reaction. Why I am right, you are wrong.. what you should do to better yourself. An angry judgemental.. bitter place.. It was easy to go there and it was toxic..
The reality is that 99% of the time the rebuttal, the anger, the grrr.. isn't needed nor helpful.
How I react, what I do says more about me then anyone else. And now it sets the example for Ittie on how to relate to the world. I would much rather leave her with the skills of tolerance, love, acceptance and understanding, humor. These skills will allow her to forgive, move, heal.. Have joy ..
This is the world I want for myself, for Ittie for Harriet, Sam and how I want to interact with those around me. Love ya.
Love .. I believe Love is one of those essential feelings, acts, responsibilities, commitment, values and behaviors.. Yes Love is a combination of all of the above. It can turn our cheeks red, make our knees shake, our hearts quiver. The experience I have gained over the course of time the more I know that true love.. the essence of giving, and seeing those I care for happy is the Epiphany of all. The love = Joy.. It means a bit of healthy selflessness and respect.. Sometimes it means sharing in a burden, being strong, crying with or for... A firm hug that communicates I am here, you are valued and loved. A wink, a nod.. a smile.. Sometimes the silence when the retort in your head isn't what really should come out of your mouth.. Picking up and doing what you don't necessarily want to do but doing it because its the right thing to do... Love.. for those close .. for mankind .. for the earth.. Just love.
So while thinking about the ideal of love, I find myself frustrated today by the same issues that I finally left social work for, the same issues that drive me crazy on a daily basis and I try to be a better person internally.. But I find my self asking.. "Why does one person believe that he/she is so important but the person to the right or left isn't.. I ask this when I see a baby in the back of a seat with the parents puffing away in the front. I asked the same question when dogs are left in cars on 80 plus degree days. I ask this question when the woman the other night at Ittie's school carnival.pulled her hand away from Harriet in disgust as I introduced Harriet as my partner and the "utter mutter" (Avery and Harriet's phonetic nickname for Harriet).
My left side of my smile went up into the smirk that I swear I have had since the day I joined rest of the biped world. The mischievous I am now up to the challenge.. Really throw the low inside pitch.. I dare you.. but today it was for OK I saw that.. hmm how to handle this situation:
The four little girls were surrounding us after sacred "tickets" and trying to figure out which bouncy house to go into next. What should I do. Be upset.. nah..How I react to her says everything about me and nothing about her .. think... This woman was raised this way. She probably has heard, my child who is from a split home, how Harriet and I are the essence that is destroying the foundation of our country and wanted to rid herself of that taint as quickly as possible. I decided for it to be a passive educational opportunity. I start speaking to the grandmother about what an awesome opportunity the carnival is for meeting neighbors. How this is a great way to spend a fun evening in the community supporting the school. I talk about how much Ittie has wanted to see some of her friends here and it is so nice to meet up with her granddaughter who Avery has mentioned so many times.
The girls bounced through one course.. came back.. suddenly grandma had no more tickets.. ahh.. looks like they were going to have to walk away. "Girls we have some tickets.. here is 3 tickets for each of you". I continue to go with the positive about how nice the community is, .. more tickets given.. more conversation. Picture taken of all of the girls together.. Yes we went with tolerance and kindness in the face of rejection. We went with Love. Was it the easy path .. what do you think.. Love .. whats so hard about it.. OH ya that..
I have been reading some of the blogs from Single Dad Laughing. The man is eloquent in his writings and poignant in his delivery. I appreciate his look into issues and get back to the simple truths.. Love and True Happiness and that they can only exist together.
He discusses the difference in our society between two groups of people those that build within themselves trying to make themselves a better person. And those that see it as their job to make other people better. Religious and non religious.. I am right .. you are wrong. mentality vs tolerance, love and acceptance for who we are.
I find myself almost having a religious need to say amen brother to his writings. I find myself challenged to let go more..To be more understanding even of those who are not so understanding to me.
Isn't that it.. The idea of turning the other cheek.. Love.. It isn't about the other person. It is about love and how we, I as an individual see myself in this world.
Yes I still say things I shouldn't, the thoughts of anger seep from my lips. But I am trying. And when I am at a place that I feel "mean" I try to excuse myself aka go to time out.. to get centered again. I have unfortunately for myself and the people involved and close to me spent time dwelling for a couple years in a life that was based on quick reaction. Why I am right, you are wrong.. what you should do to better yourself. An angry judgemental.. bitter place.. It was easy to go there and it was toxic..
The reality is that 99% of the time the rebuttal, the anger, the grrr.. isn't needed nor helpful.
How I react, what I do says more about me then anyone else. And now it sets the example for Ittie on how to relate to the world. I would much rather leave her with the skills of tolerance, love, acceptance and understanding, humor. These skills will allow her to forgive, move, heal.. Have joy ..
This is the world I want for myself, for Ittie for Harriet, Sam and how I want to interact with those around me. Love ya.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Mingling Essence and the Passage of Cupcake.
Cupcake the gosling died today. We haven't had cupcake long. She was the tag along side kick to the ducks and the other goose Banana. They are currently residing in a water tank with heat lamp in the garage.
The loss of cupcake hurts as does the loss of the other 4 ducklings and 6 turkey chicks that the cold snap has caused. It's an interesting hard painful lesson for everyone involved.
Avery is sad when finding a dead chick. She wants to hold the dead bird as if willing it back to life. Ittie pets the lifeless body in her hands. It is hard to watch but I let it happen; I understand. I held four of the dying birds in my hands as they struggled and passed on. She asks if we can bury it like we did her hamster. It is a moment of reality .. a moment of innocence and a moment of dignity that my daughter wants to give to this life that is lost.
My answer is" baby we can not bury every animal that is going to die on this farm". So she gets a rock and then asks me to write the word DUCK on it.. "mama so we will have something to remember it by"
Yes Ittie I will write Duck on the stone. I am going to need to find a bigger stone for cupcake. Cupcake was going to be a gray goose. Avery liked to pick the gosling up and hold cupcake close. Hmm.
I have another day before Avery returns home from her fathers to tell her that cupcake is with us no longer. Look at her face. She will feel sadness but she will be OK. That's the lesson in this isn't it. To have some loss, sadness and still be OK. To still enjoy Mac and Cheese and the licks of the waggly puppy that awaits her. To miss but to move forward and continue life. It's a lesson that will be revisited time and again through out the dealings with the farm and just in life.
Maybe this is that extra piece of wisdom the farm kids had that I didn't as a growing up city kid. There was something a bit more acceptance of life and earthiness. It was a sense of being. Now I understand a sense of stark reality. Perception changes when animals move from being revered in the wild, on the nature show or as the household pet to being an investment part of your livelihood.
We are walking a line between the hard cold view of just livestock and the reality of animals purpose. The ability to let go of the guilt of the loss of the life that we took the responsibility of nurturing and raising. The letting go that every one of these animals are not pets but keeping the ethics that all of the animals on the farm deserve a good, healthy, happy safe environment. Be it family friend or barnyard foul.
This is challenging my beliefs on life, purpose, souls. Ethics truly on animals. I see all sides of discussion. But in the end in the moment when my family and I look at the animals in our charge, it comes down to us to stay true to our vision of some self sufficiency and the "small farm" and balancing our love for animals and their life.
This philosophy as it evolves will surely challenge us and pull at our heart strings. This week has proven that. It shows the flip side to the romanticism of "life on the farm." Yet at the same time is the poetic balance.
We will continue to learn and I need to look for a good place for a rock garden that can have the words duck and Cupcake.. I believe I will plant some flowers there and put in a little pond. This seems like a decent tribute to the lives of the animals that will touch us for a moment or for years. Each passing on a bit of themselves, and in every way reminding us of the balance and the ability for joy, peace, sorrow, happiness to mingle together in the daily of our lives.
The loss of cupcake hurts as does the loss of the other 4 ducklings and 6 turkey chicks that the cold snap has caused. It's an interesting hard painful lesson for everyone involved.
Avery is sad when finding a dead chick. She wants to hold the dead bird as if willing it back to life. Ittie pets the lifeless body in her hands. It is hard to watch but I let it happen; I understand. I held four of the dying birds in my hands as they struggled and passed on. She asks if we can bury it like we did her hamster. It is a moment of reality .. a moment of innocence and a moment of dignity that my daughter wants to give to this life that is lost.
My answer is" baby we can not bury every animal that is going to die on this farm". So she gets a rock and then asks me to write the word DUCK on it.. "mama so we will have something to remember it by"
Yes Ittie I will write Duck on the stone. I am going to need to find a bigger stone for cupcake. Cupcake was going to be a gray goose. Avery liked to pick the gosling up and hold cupcake close. Hmm.
I have another day before Avery returns home from her fathers to tell her that cupcake is with us no longer. Look at her face. She will feel sadness but she will be OK. That's the lesson in this isn't it. To have some loss, sadness and still be OK. To still enjoy Mac and Cheese and the licks of the waggly puppy that awaits her. To miss but to move forward and continue life. It's a lesson that will be revisited time and again through out the dealings with the farm and just in life.
Maybe this is that extra piece of wisdom the farm kids had that I didn't as a growing up city kid. There was something a bit more acceptance of life and earthiness. It was a sense of being. Now I understand a sense of stark reality. Perception changes when animals move from being revered in the wild, on the nature show or as the household pet to being an investment part of your livelihood.
We are walking a line between the hard cold view of just livestock and the reality of animals purpose. The ability to let go of the guilt of the loss of the life that we took the responsibility of nurturing and raising. The letting go that every one of these animals are not pets but keeping the ethics that all of the animals on the farm deserve a good, healthy, happy safe environment. Be it family friend or barnyard foul.
This is challenging my beliefs on life, purpose, souls. Ethics truly on animals. I see all sides of discussion. But in the end in the moment when my family and I look at the animals in our charge, it comes down to us to stay true to our vision of some self sufficiency and the "small farm" and balancing our love for animals and their life.
This philosophy as it evolves will surely challenge us and pull at our heart strings. This week has proven that. It shows the flip side to the romanticism of "life on the farm." Yet at the same time is the poetic balance.
We will continue to learn and I need to look for a good place for a rock garden that can have the words duck and Cupcake.. I believe I will plant some flowers there and put in a little pond. This seems like a decent tribute to the lives of the animals that will touch us for a moment or for years. Each passing on a bit of themselves, and in every way reminding us of the balance and the ability for joy, peace, sorrow, happiness to mingle together in the daily of our lives.
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